Tag Archives: I Was a Mormon

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I was a 17 year-old convert to the Church. Got married in the Washington D.C. Temple, served in leadership calling after leadership calling and at 29 years old was called to serve as a Bishop of a small mid-western ward in Ohio. I love to read books, listen to podcasts, and learn new things. I love faith development, Mormon history, my family, and being with the most awesome friends on the planet. I was a Mormon. - Bill Reel https://wasmormon.org/profile/bill-reel/
I was a 17 year-old convert to the Church. Got married in the Washington D.C. Temple, served in leadership calling after leadership calling and at 29 years old was called to serve as a Bishop of a small mid-western ward in Ohio. I love to read books, listen to podcasts, and learn new things. I love faith development, Mormon history, my family, and being with the most awesome friends on the planet. I was a Mormon. - Bill Reel https://wasmormon.org/profile/bill-reel/
"I had to come to grips that the Church shielding its members and the public generally from learning the complicated history was at least in large part intentional. This was hard. Once I dealt with that I was opened up to whether the truth claims of my beloved faith truly held up against the history and against thinking rationally and logically." - Bill Reel https://wasmormon.org/profile/bill-reel/
"I had to come to grips that the Church shielding its members and the public generally from learning the complicated history was at least in large part intentional. This was hard. Once I dealt with that I was opened up to whether the truth claims of my beloved faith truly held up against the history and against thinking rationally and logically." - Bill Reel https://wasmormon.org/profile/bill-reel/
"I slowly deconstructed my entire belief system and lost faith in Mormonism's truth claims and in Mormonism's ability to be healthy to others if those healthy interactions would damage the institutional Church. In the beginning I thought I was having a faith crisis. That wasn't true. I wanted Mormonism to be truth more than anything else. If anything maybe I cared too much. Instead the Church had a truth crisis." - Bill Reel https://wasmormon.org/profile/bill-reel/
"I slowly deconstructed my entire belief system and lost faith in Mormonism's truth claims and in Mormonism's ability to be healthy to others if those healthy interactions would damage the institutional Church. In the beginning I thought I was having a faith crisis. That wasn't true. I wanted Mormonism to be truth more than anything else. If anything maybe I cared too much. Instead the Church had a truth crisis." - Bill Reel https://wasmormon.org/profile/bill-reel/
"What makes us different is way more real than what makes us the same. People are broken but such is not bad. Outside the Church we have been able to be more vulnerable. More authentic. More real. And we make safe space for others to do the same. We show up. We lean in. And we try to be present each and every moment." - Bill Reel https://wasmormon.org/profile/bill-reel/
"What makes us different is way more real than what makes us the same. People are broken but such is not bad. Outside the Church we have been able to be more vulnerable. More authentic. More real. And we make safe space for others to do the same. We show up. We lean in. And we try to be present each and every moment." - Bill Reel https://wasmormon.org/profile/bill-reel/
"It can be scary wondering what now when you deconstruct the faith you grew up in and/or had your identity tied to. For me and my family, we are happier. We live more abundantly. Outside the Church we can love each other and other humans more fully. We welcome diversity and differences." - Bill Reel https://wasmormon.org/profile/bill-reel/
"It can be scary wondering what now when you deconstruct the faith you grew up in and/or had your identity tied to. For me and my family, we are happier. We live more abundantly. Outside the Church we can love each other and other humans more fully. We welcome diversity and differences." - Bill Reel https://wasmormon.org/profile/bill-reel/
I was born into the church, married in the temple, and remained active for 37 years. I had six kids that I homeschooled, I attended the temple monthly, faithfully paid tithing and gave generous fast offerings, served in many callings, and loved studying the gospel just for fun. I'm a direct descendant of Emma Smith. I love Crossfit, dancing, and all things outdoors. I was a mormon.
I was born into the church, married in the temple, and remained active for 37 years. I had six kids that I homeschooled, I attended the temple monthly, faithfully paid tithing and gave generous fast offerings, served in many callings, and loved studying the gospel just for fun. I'm a direct descendant of Emma Smith. I love Crossfit, dancing, and all things outdoors. I was a mormon.
I kept researching this question, trying to make it fit together, because I knew God was not a God of confusion, but I only found more and more disturbing facts in church history. And then I realized suddenly: **They are never speaking for God, they are always speaking as men.** And it suddenly ALL made sense. All at once, my entire testimony/worldview/identity crumbled. Thirty-seven years of faithful, believing membership, gone.
I kept researching this question, trying to make it fit together, because I knew God was not a God of confusion, but I only found more and more disturbing facts in church history. And then I realized suddenly: **They are never speaking for God, they are always speaking as men.** And it suddenly ALL made sense. All at once, my entire testimony/worldview/identity crumbled. Thirty-seven years of faithful, believing membership, gone.
I did find people that wanted to hear my story, and could either relate, or were fascinated by, and held space for, my experiences. I found authenticity, love, and acceptance  in new, beautiful, meaningful  relationships. These relationships are closer and more fulfilling than the relationships I had in Mormonism.  Looking back now, I realize Mormonism was never a space one could be authentic. When conformity and obedience is valued above all else; when you cannot question, criticize, research, or think outside of your belief system, there can’t be authenticity.
I did find people that wanted to hear my story, and could either relate, or were fascinated by, and held space for, my experiences. I found authenticity, love, and acceptance  in new, beautiful, meaningful  relationships. These relationships are closer and more fulfilling than the relationships I had in Mormonism.  Looking back now, I realize Mormonism was never a space one could be authentic. When conformity and obedience is valued above all else; when you cannot question, criticize, research, or think outside of your belief system, there can’t be authenticity.
This led me to research the question: How can I know when the prophets are speaking for God and when they are speaking as men? All I found were contradictions as I researched examples from church history. For instance, one prophet declares a doctrine, calls it such, and even declares it is from God, and later that doctrine is disavowed and called a policy by later prophets.
This led me to research the question: How can I know when the prophets are speaking for God and when they are speaking as men? All I found were contradictions as I researched examples from church history. For instance, one prophet declares a doctrine, calls it such, and even declares it is from God, and later that doctrine is disavowed and called a policy by later prophets.
I'm happier than I have ever been. My kids are happier too. My deconstruction of Mormonism led to the deconstruction of so many other things as well: I deconstructed patriarchy and reconstructed beautiful, badass womanhood. I deconstructed homophobia and reconstructed love and full acceptance for the lgbtq community that my beautiful children are now a part of. I deconstructed abuse from my personal relationships and reconstructed boundaries of safety and respect. Deconstruction has been the most painful and rewarding, beautiful experience of my life.
I'm happier than I have ever been. My kids are happier too. My deconstruction of Mormonism led to the deconstruction of so many other things as well: I deconstructed patriarchy and reconstructed beautiful, badass womanhood. I deconstructed homophobia and reconstructed love and full acceptance for the lgbtq community that my beautiful children are now a part of. I deconstructed abuse from my personal relationships and reconstructed boundaries of safety and respect. Deconstruction has been the most painful and rewarding, beautiful experience of my life.
Shortly after that feeling of peace and love from God in the temple, I watched General Conference and I was filled with fear about the spiritual and physical safety of my family, and frustration that my spouse gave up, and now it was all on me to keep my kids safely in the church. I was angry towards him, but then I remembered the feeling of peace and love I received from God, and I paused. I thought it was odd that the message of love/peace is what I received from God, and the message of fear is what I received from my leaders.
Shortly after that feeling of peace and love from God in the temple, I watched General Conference and I was filled with fear about the spiritual and physical safety of my family, and frustration that my spouse gave up, and now it was all on me to keep my kids safely in the church. I was angry towards him, but then I remembered the feeling of peace and love I received from God, and I paused. I thought it was odd that the message of love/peace is what I received from God, and the message of fear is what I received from my leaders.
I was excited when the new church history came out. I was surprised to hear a different version of church history than what I was raised with. I put myself in the shoes of the Saints and wondered if I were them, would I have accepted the church? To my own surprise, I admitted to myself that I probably would not have joined because it sounded a lot like a religious cult.
I was excited when the new church history came out. I was surprised to hear a different version of church history than what I was raised with. I put myself in the shoes of the Saints and wondered if I were them, would I have accepted the church? To my own surprise, I admitted to myself that I probably would not have joined because it sounded a lot like a religious cult.
Joseph Smith is my great, great, great grandfather, though these days I prefer to claim Emma because she's a badass... When I deconstructed Mormonism, I remember deconstructing Joseph Smith and all of the things I learned at once: he was dishonest, a con-man, a treasure digger, a polygamist, he coerced women and teens to marry him, and he was a narcissist. The Mormon in me was in disbelief, but the Smith in me recognized my father in Joseph Smith immediately.
Joseph Smith is my great, great, great grandfather, though these days I prefer to claim Emma because she's a badass... When I deconstructed Mormonism, I remember deconstructing Joseph Smith and all of the things I learned at once: he was dishonest, a con-man, a treasure digger, a polygamist, he coerced women and teens to marry him, and he was a narcissist. The Mormon in me was in disbelief, but the Smith in me recognized my father in Joseph Smith immediately.
"It led me to realize that the church leaders DO NOT speak for the god that I believed in at the time. I could see that god would never treat the lgbtq community the way the mormon leaders do and would never make me choose between church and my child." https://wasmormon.org/profile/queerexmo30/
"It led me to realize that the church leaders DO NOT speak for the god that I believed in at the time. I could see that god would never treat the lgbtq community the way the mormon leaders do and would never make me choose between church and my child." https://wasmormon.org/profile/queerexmo30/