Jim Palmer, a former pastor turned spiritual critic and trauma-informed coach, outlines 16 stark observations in his piece How to Let Religion Sabotage Your Life.
Jim Palmer
- Begin with the premise that there is something hopelessly and incurably wrong with you.
- Believe that your humanity is an affront to God, an obstacle to overcome, and an evil to repress or eradicate.
- Pin your hopes on the afterlife, and don’t get too interested in the herelife.
- Mistrust what you most deeply feel.
- Give others the power and authority to determine what your beliefs, values, opinions, goals, desires, and views are.
- Fear, reject, condemn, and close yourself off from anything that doesn’t fit with what you got from the above.
- Focus on behavior modification, checklists, do’s and don’ts, obedience, and keeping the rules when it comes to living your life.
- Give up or kill off all your needs and desires as a sign of spiritual maturity and call it “dying to self.”
- Make sure everything and everyone in life is assigned a label or put into a box.
- Label science, psychology, and art as “secular,” “carnal,” or “worldly,” and stay away from it.
- Consider talk of love, unity, harmony, peace, beauty and oneness as childish, foolish, idealistic, or dangerous.
- Draw a line between “sacred” and “secular” and divide up the world accordingly.
- Divide humankind up into “us” and “them,” and stay away from “them” and judge “them” from a distance.
- Lock up and throw away the key to your sexuality and get busy focusing on something that is holy.
- Put forth a valiant effort to project and maintain an image that lines up with the expectations of your religious community, and hide the ways you don’t.
- Don’t ask questions, rock the boat, challenge authority, think for yourself, or listen to that voice inside… just keep doing or believing even if it violates something deep inside of you.
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For those deconstructing Mormonism, these steps feel less like satire and more like a checklist of lived experience:
1. Begin with the premise that there is something hopelessly and incurably wrong with you.
In Mormonism, this manifests early in the idea that we are “natural men,” inherently sinful and unworthy without divine intervention. From Primary songs about being “as the Army of Helaman” to temple recommend interviews, you’re taught that your worth is not intrinsic but conditional on obedience. It becomes hard to believe you’re enough just as you are.
2. Believe that your humanity is an affront to God, an obstacle to overcome, and an evil to repress or eradicate.
Mormon teachings often label normal human experiences—doubt, anger, sexual desire—as dangerous. The “natural man” is not just a metaphor; it’s a doctrine of shame. You’re told to “put off” your nature and replace it with godliness, creating an internal war that disconnects you from yourself.
3. Pin your hopes on the afterlife, and don’t get too interested in the herelife.
Mormons are taught that this life is a “test,” a temporary proving ground. Real joy, we’re told, comes in the Celestial Kingdom. This devalues the here and now. Instead of savoring relationships, beauty, and presence, many find themselves enduring life for eternal rewards they can’t verify, with the catchphrase “Think Celestial“. The church is against bucket lists for this life, and only encourages members to endure to the end.
4. Mistrust what you most deeply feel.
“Doubt your doubts” becomes a weapon against inner truth. When gut instincts or painful questions arise, members are told to set them aside, pray more, read scripture, and avoid “contention.” You learn to silence yourself rather than trust your own voice.
The admonition to “doubt your doubts” encourages members to dismiss personal feelings and questions, potentially leading to cognitive dissonance.
5. Give others the power and authority to determine what your beliefs, values, opinions, goals, desires, and views are.
From prophets and bishops to lesson manuals and family councils, Mormonism heavily relies on hierarchical authority. Personal revelation is only acceptable if it aligns with Church leaders. You outsource your moral compass to men in Salt Lake City. The hierarchical and corporate structure of the Church places significant authority in leaders, potentially discouraging personal exploration and autonomy. We Don’t Question Anything In The Church or When Church Leaders Speak, Has Any Thinking Been Done
In the context of intuition and emotional influence, the LDS Church’s use of HeartSell®—a term coined by its for-profit arm—reveals a calculated approach to persuasion. HeartSell is described as a method of “emotional appeal that leads to action,” and while the trademark applies to marketing, the underlying philosophy permeates church culture and practices. Members are consistently taught to trust feelings—particularly warm, peaceful, or tearful emotions—as confirmation that the Church is true and that leaders speak for God. However, these feelings are often induced through carefully orchestrated experiences: sentimental music, dramatic storytelling, emotionally charged testimonies, and tightly controlled messaging that bypasses critical thought.
In effect, the Church has perfected a form of emotional manipulation that conditions members to equate these constructed emotional highs with divine revelation. This conflation of emotion with spiritual truth discourages members from trusting their own inner compass, especially if their instincts lead them to question or step away. Instead of encouraging genuine introspection or discernment, this system rewards emotional conformity and treats discomfort or doubt as spiritual failure. What feels like intuition is often a rehearsed emotional script—repeated until it drowns out one’s authentic inner voice.
6. Fear, reject, condemn, and close yourself off from anything that doesn’t fit with what you got from the above.
We’re taught that anything critical of the Church is “anti-Mormon” and should be avoided. Books, podcasts, friends, even family members who question or leave the Church are seen as threats. This limits your ability to explore and grow.
7. Focus on behavior modification, checklists, do’s and don’ts, obedience, and keeping the rules when it comes to living your life.
The “gospel” in practice often boils down to rules: no coffee, dress modestly, attend meetings, do your ministering, pay tithing. You’re judged on outward compliance more than inner transformation. It’s virtue signaling and performative righteousness over love.
8. Give up or kill off all your needs and desires as a sign of spiritual maturity and call it “dying to self.”
Missionaries give up dating and hobbies. Mothers sacrifice careers. LGBTQ members are told to choose celibacy over love. You’re expected to erase personal ambition in the name of sacrifice, holiness, or callings. The urging to question “Would You Die For The Church?” delves into this expectation.
9. Make sure everything and everyone in life is assigned a label or put into a box.
Mormon culture loves labels: active/inactive, faithful/apostate, worthy/unworthy, elder/sister, member/non-member. It creates a binary worldview that makes people easier to judge—and harder to understand.
10. Label science, psychology, and art as “secular,” “carnal,” or “worldly,” and stay away from it.
Church members are often wary of secular knowledge, especially when it contradicts doctrine—whether that’s evolution, therapy, or feminist critique. Mormonism encourages education, but only within certain confines. Independent thought is discouraged and policed.
The church, especially in fields like archeology and history, wants members to avoid anything that might counter the church’s claims. One must ignore all the anachronisms and issues with translation in the Book of Mormon or the translation flaws in the Book of Abraham. The study of archeology from an LDS perspective looks more like apologetics, or looking for any shred of proof within archeology findings while keeping their preconceived conclusions intact. Sadly, this isn’t how the scientific method works.
11. Consider talk of love, unity, harmony, peace, beauty and oneness as childish, foolish, idealistic, or dangerous.
Though “love” is preached, it’s conditional. Love is often a tool for conversion (“love them into the gospel”) rather than a space of unconditional belonging. Anything not leading to conversion or control is dismissed as fluff or weakness.
12. Draw a line between “sacred” and “secular” and divide up the world accordingly.
The “world” is to be feared. Missionaries are warned not to listen to secular music. Youth are told to avoid dating before 16 or rated-R movies. Sundays are for church only. The world is seen as fallen, while the Church is elevated, regardless of any harm it causes.
13. Divide humankind up into “us” and “them,” and stay away from “them” and judge “them” from a distance.
Mormonism has a deep “us vs. them” mentality: members vs. non-members, the elect vs. the lost. Even within the Church, worthiness divides people. This tribalism breeds judgment, limits empathy, and erodes genuine connection.
14. Lock up and throw away the key to your sexuality and get busy focusing on something that is holy.
Sexual purity is idolized (even though it’s not exemplified). Youth are taught that sexuality is dangerous, especially for girls. Masturbation is condemned. Queerness is erased or treated as a burden. Marriages are rushed, and shame is pervasive, leading to repression, trauma, and confusion.
15. Put forth a valiant effort to project and maintain an image that lines up with the expectations of your religious community, and hide the ways you don’t.
Appearances are everything. People smile through pain, bear testimonies they don’t believe, and dress the part while falling apart. The cost of authenticity is often exclusion, so many choose the mask over the mess.
16. Don’t ask questions, rock the boat, challenge authority, think for yourself, or listen to that voice inside… just keep doing or believing even if it violates something deep inside of you.
This is the heart of spiritual sabotage. The inner voice—the one calling for truth, justice, freedom—is labeled the adversary. You’re told obedience matters more than integrity. But for many of us, listening to that voice is what saved our lives.
In the Mormon context, the admonition to avoid doubt, don’t ask questions or rock the boat, don’t challenge authority, think for yourself, or listen to your own inner voice is reinforced both culturally and doctrinally. Members are frequently taught that questioning Church leaders is tantamount to questioning God, based on teachings like “whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same” (D&C 1:38) and are told the leadership cannot lead them astray.
This creates the environment where critical thinking is discouraged, and obedience is elevated as the highest virtue. Leaders have explicitly warned members against consuming “anti-Mormon literature” or even seeking answers outside official channels, yet quietly acknowledge the anti-Mormon lies as fact and spin them into faith-promoting half-truths. The phrase “doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith,” famously spoken by Elder Uchtdorf, encapsulates this ethos: trust the institution, not your inner voice. For many, this leads to a suppression of personal intuition and a denial of cognitive dissonance, fostering an identity built on compliance rather than authenticity. Those who begin to question may find themselves ostracized or shamed, making the simple act of thinking for oneself a deeply risky endeavor.
In Mormonism, the metaphor of “the boat” is often used to represent the Church itself, with repeated exhortations from leaders to “stay in the boat” as a matter of spiritual survival. President Russell M. Nelson and Elder M. Russell Ballard have both used variations of this metaphor in General Conference talks, urging members to cling tightly to the gospel as taught by the Church and warning that safety, truth, and salvation exist only within its structure. Those who question the condition of the boat—its course, its leadership, or its construction—are often portrayed as prideful, spiritually immature, or lacking faith. To express concern about the boat’s integrity is to risk being seen as ungrateful or even dangerous to the collective. The implication is that anyone who leaves the boat is adrift in perilous waters, with no hope of return unless they humbly re-board. This metaphor functions as a control mechanism—framing doubt or dissent not as valid or thoughtful, but as a threat to salvation. It dismisses the experiences of those who leave as misguided and marginalizes the sincere motivations behind their departure.
The church teaches members how to deal with doubts and other controversial opinions, the short answer, ignore them and hope they go away.
Deconstructing
Deconstructing Mormonism is, in many ways, the process of reversing these 16 steps. It’s not just about rejecting harmful theology; it’s about reclaiming your own humanity. When emerging from a high-demand, controlling religion like Mormonism, deconstruction is not an act of rebellion or weakness, but an essential step toward psychological and emotional well-being. Systems like Mormonism often impose rigid frameworks that suppress individuality, critical thinking, and authentic self-expression. Rejecting the 16 sabotaging patterns Jim Palmer outlines is a courageous reclaiming of one’s humanity. It means learning to trust your own voice, honoring your intuition, embracing your desires, and finding meaning in the here and now, not just in promised rewards of the afterlife. Deconstruction allows space for nuance, self-compassion, and genuine spiritual growth outside the confines of institutional control. It’s a process of healing—shedding shame, fear, and imposed identity—to step into freedom, wholeness, and joy. Far from a loss of faith, it’s the beginning of a deeper, more integrated life rooted in authenticity and personal truth.
You are not broken. Your body is not evil. Your questions are sacred. Your life matters—right here, right now. Leaving religion doesn’t mean leaving behind all meaning. It means learning to build meaning from within. Choose connection over control. Curiosity over compliance. Wholeness over holiness.
If you recognize yourself in any of these steps—or if rejecting them has been part of your own journey—we invite you to share your thoughts in the comments. Deconstruction is deeply personal, but you’re not alone. Others are navigating the same questions, confronting the same pressures, and choosing to step into freedom and self-trust. If you’re ready to go deeper, consider sharing your own story of faith transition or deconstruction at wasmormon.org. Your voice could be the encouragement someone else needs to begin their journey too.
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I never had a date. It was taboo because I’m neurodivergent. Sexual impuurties are a fear based teaching they use.. and it’s predatory. I hope President Russel M. Nelson goes to prison. I was shut off by my family. they think I’m a product of sexual immorality and the step husband though not Mormon, was a bully, con man, and the step husband is always an egotistical asshole just like Russel M. Nelson. Most old men in that cult are egotistical.