Hi, I'm Maewyn (not real name)
I'm a practicing Pagan witch, I like to hike, soaking in hot springs, spending time with friends, I am a veterinary technician, Love my husband. Cat mom of 2. Hater of the false Mormon church and seeker of the origins of certain social behaviors. I was a mormon.
About me
I am a woman in my early 30s. I fully turned my back on the church when I was about 27, but I didn’t fully leave until I was 29, when I had my spiritual awakening and began walking down the path of pagan witchery.
I was born into the church to convert parents. My life in the church was mostly uneventful. My parents did their best to raise their family as devoted, reliable Mormons. In fact, they were so reliable that they developed the habit of unplugging the phones Saturday night/Sunday morning to avoid being called by teachers asking them to teach a class. At one point, they had 7-9 callings between them at the same time.
As for my own involvement in the church, I helped out with my parents’ callings when they were called to be Boy Scout, Cub Scout, Young Women leaders, camp leaders, and coordinators. I really enjoyed these roles because they were active and outdoors, and I got out of doing the more traditional "lady activities" like sewing and personal progress. When I was just barely 18 (my birthday is in December), I left Young Women early to join Relief Society. Shortly after that, I was called to be a nursery worker (typical, right?). I never went on a mission. I spend a few months to possibly a few years thinking about it. eventually, I concluded that for a mission to be successful, for the field and my own life. I would need to devote everything I am to the cause. That was something that I wasn't able to provide. A few years after graduating high school, I met my husband, who was a return missionary. Because of my parent own marriage and the horror stories I have heard I had no intention of marrying. I was convinced that my husband was looking for the stereotypical tradition housewife. but every interaction I had with him proved that that's not what he was interested in. he didn't mind my firey words or wild personality. time and time again he proved my assumptions wrong. then finally after 3 years we got married at the palmyra temple.
For a while, I honestly tried to be a good Mormon on my own, but it’s hard to stay devoted to something you never really believed in.
On my shelf
On the Mormon Spectrum
# Why I left More stories of 'Why I left' the Mormon church
There are many reasons I left the church, but if I had to boil it down, it would be these key points:
I learned that a lot of what they taught were lies. The biggest one? "If you live a devoted Mormon life, your life will be perfect." I never saw any blessings in my life or my family’s life. In fact, the more devoted I was, the more trials I seemed to face.
I was born into the church, but I was never happy in it. In fact, after each Sunday, I’d come home angry—certainly not the "calm and renewed spirit" the church promised.
Some of the messages I received didn’t come from a place of love, but from fear and authoritarian control. I was constantly taught that I had to obey or else I’d be lost, and that kind of pressure only fostered shame and fear, not faith or love.
These were just the basics. Below are some of my personal experiences.
I’ve always had a rebellious spirit, especially when it came to the church. I hated being told what to do, and the answers to my questions never made enough sense to stop me from asking them. I hated Achievement Days and Young Women’s. This might not have been the church’s fault, but my experience in those classes was awful. My sister and I were bullied constantly by the older girls—those perfect, beautiful, vain girls who made us feel less than. I remember my first ever Young Women’s camping experience. My sister and I were singled out, abandoned, left alone, always picked last, laughed at for the slightest mistake, and given weird looks when we tried to talk to them. My sister and I were constantly bullied by the older girls—the perfect, beautiful, vain ones who made us feel small, invisible, and insignificant. I’ll never forget my first-ever Young Women’s camping trip. It should’ve been a fun, bonding experience, but instead, my sister and I were singled out, abandoned, and left alone. We were always picked last, laughed at for the smallest mistakes, and given judgmental looks whenever we tried to engage. The experience left me feeling more isolated than ever. It was a place I was told was full of love and sisterhood, but in reality, it was a toxic environment where cruelty was disguised as camaraderie.
I can’t help but wonder how many other young girls, like me, felt the sting of rejection in a space that was supposed to nurture and uplift. For me, the church became a place of exclusion, not inclusion.
Not only did I have a rebellious spirit, but I never felt or experienced the church the same way others have (or so I was told/read in the Ensign). You know those stories about families who visit a temple once, and it changes their lives forever? I never had that.
I was part of the Hill Cumorah pageant one year, one of the more spiritually uplifting events in New York. I felt nothing. And if I ever had an uplifting experience, it never lasted. I remember before I was baptized, I was told about the clean slate and the light, loving feeling of being baptized, how wonderful it would be. I was so excited to feel Christ’s love in that way. But when I was pulled out of the water, I felt... nothing. Just wet, cold, and confused. I thought maybe I needed the Holy Ghost to feel those emotions, so I got dried off, dressed, and received my blessing. But still, nothing. I didn’t feel any different. Maybe 8-year-old me was expecting a revelation—something dramatic, like the heavens opening, angels singing, and the Holy Ghost introducing themselves to me. But none of that happened. I don’t know, it was so long ago.
For many years, I wondered what happened. What did I do wrong? What was wrong with me? After I left, I concluded that my mind and body didn’t believe long before I realized it myself. For a person to leave, there has to be a turning point. I remember my very first one. When I was 4 years old, I adopted a stray cat. She was my best friend and the best cat you could ever ask for. She came when I cried, she played with me when I was lonely, she protected the family—she once thought my sister was an intruder and attacked her, and she even killed a spider for me because I was terrified of them and crying. Then, when I was about 7-9 years old, she got sick. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but now that I’m a vet tech, I’ve learned she had CHF (congestive heart failure). I remember she was in the hospital for about three days, and my mother encouraged me to pray that she would pull through. So, both my mom and I prayed for her. A few weeks later, she had a heart attack that fatally injured her, and we decided to humanely put her down. After she passed, I kept asking myself, "What went wrong? What did I do wrong? Did I pray with enough faith? Did I make God angry, and is this my punishment?" I was told that God loved and cared enough about me, and as long as I prayed in faith, my prayer would be answered (lies). But it wasn’t. It didn’t take me long to conclude I didn’t do anything wrong—He let me down. One could say I didn't have enough faith. I was a child, I had nothing but faith.
My dad is an abusive man. There have been plenty of times I prayed that his heart would soften or that he would change his mind and not beat us for being rowdy kids in public. We still got beaten. I would pray that my parents would stop fighting and love each other. I paid my tithing in hopes that my parents would be blessed enough to love each other, but they started fighting more. No blessings, no benefits for my family or me.
As for being a woman in the church, I was taught that my ONLY "worthy" purpose in life was to have babies and serve my husband. This never sat right with me. My worth is more than just my ability or desire to have children. I never liked being told I was basically a walking sin. I was nothing more than a servant. People always told me that motherhood is the highest honor in the eyes of the church, but I never believed that. I always believed women were so much more than the church expected. I remember when I went through the temple for my endowments and marriage, there was the vow that women would submit to their husbands as their husbands submit to God. I honestly tried to take the vow, but the words were stuck in my throat. I just couldn’t do it. To me, it felt like a verbal contract for enslavement. I love and trust my husband, but if he expected me to do something I didn’t agree with, I wouldn’t do it. I would fight him if that’s what it took.
After my marriage, everyone expected children within the first 9 months. I did the logical thing and told people I was going to wait 2 years before having kids. My mom, particularly, didn’t like that, but what could she do? Well, 2 years came and went, and I was still quite hesitant—no, fearful—of getting pregnant. It wasn’t something I had ever thought of before. In the church, I was taught simple truths (not) that you’re born, you get married, you have kids, and then you die. That’s just how it was. I was told that this is what all women want. So again, I thought, "What’s wrong with me?"
Now, I’m 4 years into my marriage, and my family is bugging me about kids and asking when the first one is coming. Finally, I sat myself down and asked myself the taboo question: "Do I even want kids?" My immediate answer was, "No!" And that was it. I don’t want kids. It’s that simple. I felt such relief—relief I had never felt before. I was so scared that this would be a deal-breaker for my Mormon husband. I loved him so much, I didn’t want to lose him. But I can’t allow myself to get pregnant. My god, what a solace it was when he told me he didn’t care if we had kids. My lack of desire to have children is genuine. But I also think a huge part of it is because of the church. If I did the most feminine thing in the world in the eyes of the church—having babies—they won. I will never let them win over me ever again
Those are some of the experiences I had, but the driving force that made me turn away was the church’s response to Proposition 8. The policy and then the revision. The original policy horribly backfired—families were breaking apart, members were leaving, and some were even taking their own lives. After a few weeks, they came back with a new policy. When I read it, it was presented with the explanation that it came after "much prayer, fasting, and counseling with the Lord." To me, it sounded like they had to beg God to change the policy. Why would God—our all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God—screw it up so badly the first time? Why did His prophet and apostles have to BEG Him to change the policy? To me, it was either that God isn’t as loving, powerful, or knowing as they claim, or, more likely, a bunch of businessmen took a gamble and lost.
Turning away from the church wasn’t an overnight decision—it took years of finding cracks in the foundation, of discovering turning points that chipped away at my belief. For many years I have tried to be the Mormon my parents could be proud of. But this one final act from the church—this dishonesty, this manipulation—was the moment it all came crumbling down. It was the tipping point, the thing I couldn’t overlook anymore. It was the last straw that made everything I had doubted, questioned, and feared undeniable.
Questions about Mormons My Answers to Questions about Mormonism
#Link to this answer of 'Are you happy?' by Maewyn Are you happy? See more answers about 'Are you happy?'
Yes! Ever since I fully left the church, I have never been happier. The church will fear-monger you into staying. It’s scary to leave, but when you leave one group, you are surrounded by many like-minded people who will love and understand you far better than the members of the church ever will. One of my brothers has somewhat left, but he still loves the church. He says his life has gotten worse since he left. In my observation, he only feels that way because he still has one foot in the door.
#Link to this answer of 'Are you lazy? Is that why you left?' by Maewyn Are you lazy? Is that why you left? See more answers about 'Are you lazy? Is that why you left?'
No, the church, to me, was like being in an abusive marriage. Your spouse says they love you unconditionally, but then feeds you bread and water when you disobey. They say you can ask them anything, but then turn it around and make you the problem. I refuse to be a victim. The church was not good for me, and when something isn’t good for you, you cut it out like a cancer.
#Link to this answer of 'Are Mormons Christian?' by Maewyn Are Mormons Christian? See more answers about 'Are Mormons Christian?'
That is a loaded question, and nowadays, it's more a matter of opinion than fact. When I left the church, I did a lot of research, and in my opinion, the church is Christian to an extent. They are Christian enough to receive the tax breaks and prestige, but they are not fully Christian. The church claims to be Christian because they "believe in Christ," but other, more orthodox Christian churches—i.e., the ones that were there from the beginning—are so much more. I would recommend doing your own research and coming to your own conclusions. I suggest starting with the Council of Nicaea.
#Link to this answer of 'Any suggestions about how to deal with my still-Mormon family?' by Maewyn Any suggestions about how to deal with my still-Mormon family? See more answers about 'Any suggestions about how to deal with my still-Mormon family?'
A few members of my family are still VERY Mormon. These suggestions have worked for me and my family, but they may not work for everyone else:
Be respectful and polite.
Set reasonable boundaries and enforce them (e.g., "No, I will not say prayer or read scriptures").
Be patient; they don’t know any better and they don’t understand what you’ve been through.
Be slow to anger, but don’t be a pushover.
Be honest.
Know when to compromise.
Don’t try to talk them out of the church or force them to see things from your point of view. If they’re not willing to listen and learn, you’re just going to hit a wall.
Find your tribe. Surround yourself with people who support your views. I have my husband, who is my biggest cheerleader, and I learn from my never-Mormon friends every day about what’s normal and what’s not.
Have confidence in yourself. They may say things to tear you down or pressure you to come back, but you KNOW the truth. You have no regrets about your decision.
Remember, they are acting in accordance with their programming—they don’t know any better.
Don’t fight with them, but educate them.
Be yourself as much as you can manage.
"You’re just an angel who goes along with heaven as far as he can."
— Crowley, Good Omens
#Link to this answer of 'Can Mormons Drink Coffee?' by Maewyn Can Mormons Drink Coffee? See more answers about 'Can Mormons Drink Coffee?'
Free will says yes, you can do what you want. But the church hates it when you use your agency in ways they don’t deem appropriate. Personally, I believe your salvation isn’t tied to how you dress, how you talk, or what you consume. Those things are more like a uniform that represents a brand, not actual doctrine.
#Link to this answer of 'Can you describe the type of faith you had prior to your loss of faith?' by Maewyn Can you describe the type of faith you had prior to your loss of faith? See more answers about 'Can you describe the type of faith you had prior to your loss of faith?'
My faith was strong, though my testimony would ebb and flow. For me, your testimony is the foundation of your faith. My testimony would ebb, but I had faith that things would get better. But when my testimony shattered, my faith fell as well.
#Link to this answer of 'Did you receive a patriarchal blessing? What did the experience mean to you?' by Maewyn Did you receive a patriarchal blessing? What did the experience mean to you? See more answers about 'Did you receive a patriarchal blessing? What did the experience mean to you?'
No, as it was taught to me, a Patriarchal Blessing (PB) was essentially a telling of your future. I didn’t see how being told my future could be considered a blessing—I didn’t see the point of it. At the time, I was very much against getting married and having children, and honestly, the main reason I didn’t want a PB was because I was afraid it would tell me I had to. Also, getting a PB didn’t change your fate, so what was the point?
#Link to this answer of 'Did you want to sin? Is that why you left?' by Maewyn Did you want to sin? Is that why you left? See more answers about 'Did you want to sin? Is that why you left?'
No, I left because of the lies and betrayal I felt within the church. When I fully left, I learned that none of it was true—like, NONE of what the church is or teaches is true. This realization made it a lot easier to "sin." What the church considers sin isn’t actually sin, and that applies to all Abrahamic religions.
#Link to this answer of 'Do Mormons Believe in a Loving God?' by Maewyn Do Mormons Believe in a Loving God? See more answers about 'Do Mormons Believe in a Loving God?'
yes,
What they don’t see is that God’s love really is conditional. If you don’t obey 100%, you lose certain “blessings.” I have a Mormon coworker who can’t get sealed to her husband because she couldn’t pay her tithing (she has no extra money to give). What kind of loving God denies His children the opportunity to be with Him in heaven for all eternity just because they couldn’t pay their membership fee?
#Link to this answer of 'Do you believe the Book of Mormon is true?' by Maewyn Do you believe the Book of Mormon is true? See more answers about 'Do you believe the Book of Mormon is true?'
No.
The book is 100% fabricated. If you want further evidence, read the C.E.S. Letters and watch the South Park episode. They explain it better than I can.
#Link to this answer of 'Do you consider yourself a Christian?' by Maewyn Do you consider yourself a Christian? See more answers about 'Do you consider yourself a Christian?'
No,
I will never associate myself with Christians or any other Christian organization again. It also doesn’t help that I became a pagan witch about two years after I left.
#Link to this answer of 'Do you hang out with other ex-Mormons?' by Maewyn Do you hang out with other ex-Mormons? See more answers about 'Do you hang out with other ex-Mormons?'
Surprisingly, no. I just haven't found any, except for one recently, but it was a one-time thing. It was so nice to speak to someone who shares the same views, and we basically trauma-dumped together.
#Link to this answer of 'Has the church been dishonest with its own history?' by Maewyn Has the church been dishonest with its own history? See more answers about 'Has the church been dishonest with its own history?'
Yes, the C.E.S. Letters are a great source to learn from. I also recommend the Mormon Stories podcast and Alyssa Greenfield.
#Link to this answer of 'Does the Mormon church protect sexual predators?' by Maewyn Does the Mormon church protect sexual predators? See more answers about 'Does the Mormon church protect sexual predators?'
Yes, though I have never experienced SA myself, there are so many stories from all over the world. How can they all be lies?
#Link to this answer of 'Has your struggle improved since you left?' by Maewyn Has your struggle improved since you left? See more answers about 'Has your struggle improved since you left?'
YES, TREMENDOUSLY!! I've always noticed that the more devout you are, the more trials you face. Since leaving, my quality of life has improved so much. Life gets better when you live for your life and not for your death.
#Link to this answer of 'Have you had any profound spiritual moments in your life?' by Maewyn Have you had any profound spiritual moments in your life? See more answers about 'Have you had any profound spiritual moments in your life?'
Yes, both inside and outside of the church, but the more powerful and influential experiences have been from outside. Being a witch is my flavor of spirituality. Without the limitations of the church, my spiritual experiences are more profound and have helped me heal and become a better person.
#Link to this answer of 'How did you come to be Mormon? Were you raised in the church?' by Maewyn How did you come to be Mormon? Were you raised in the church? See more answers about 'How did you come to be Mormon? Were you raised in the church?'
I was born into it. My parents where converts.
#Link to this answer of 'How did you feel and what did you experience as a result of your loss of faith?' by Maewyn How did you feel and what did you experience as a result of your loss of faith? See more answers about 'How did you feel and what did you experience as a result of your loss of faith?'
I felt angry and was easily triggered whenever the church was brought up. I cried a lot and I couldn't figure out why I had these strong feelings for a church, even though I didn't associate myself with it anymore. At my most desperate I had a revelation. I was in mourning. I may have felt resentment toward the church for most of my time in it. But I did believe in the church once upon a time. Once I recognized that, I was finally able to let go, move away from the church, and heal.
#Link to this answer of 'How do you currently feel about the church?' by Maewyn How do you currently feel about the church? See more answers about 'How do you currently feel about the church?'
I hate it, and I enjoy watching it bring itself down with its own hubris. It’s a church of lies, and it needs to go away. If the church is going to survive this hemorrhage of members, they will have to drastically downsize from a religious organization to a society, like the Masons or Shriners.
#Link to this answer of 'How do you now explain the spiritual experiences that you had as an Orthodox Mormon?' by Maewyn How do you now explain the spiritual experiences that you had as an Orthodox Mormon? See more answers about 'How do you now explain the spiritual experiences that you had as an Orthodox Mormon?'
They are legit. You don't need a religion or God to have a spiritual experience. A good meditation session can be just as spiritual as a temple ceremony.
#Link to this answer of 'How has your leaving Mormonism affected your family relationships, friendships, job, neighbor relationships, social life, etc.?' by Maewyn How has your leaving Mormonism affected your family relationships, friendships, job, neighbor relationships, social life, etc.? See more answers about 'How has your leaving Mormonism affected your family relationships, friendships, job, neighbor relationships, social life, etc.?'
I'm still in contact with my family. I'm lucky to have a family that chose me over the church, but the relationship is strained. I have to hold back a bit because it makes them uncomfortable, and I don’t want to offend them so much that I’m banished. They have their thoughts on what is right, and I have mine, and sometimes they clash.
everyone else outside my family knows I'm an exmo and have some "strong feelings" towards it. but for the most part. they don't care
#Link to this answer of 'How long was your struggle?' by Maewyn How long was your struggle? See more answers about 'How long was your struggle?'
29 years
#Link to this answer of 'What advice would you give to someone interested in joining the Mormon Church? Or for that matter, someone interested in leaving the Mormon Church?' by Maewyn What advice would you give to someone interested in joining the Mormon Church? Or for that matter, someone interested in leaving the Mormon Church? See more answers about 'What advice would you give to someone interested in joining the Mormon Church? Or for that matter, someone interested in leaving the Mormon Church?'
To someone joining the church: Honestly, you’re better off without it. I’d rather you be a Catholic, but if you want to investigate this, then research EVERYTHING and question EVERYTHING. Have a healthy level of skepticism around it. If you can learn everything about the church and still want to join, then the church is meant for you.
To someone leaving: I’d give them a high five and express how glorious their journey will be. It’s going to be hard. It’s going to suck. But when you get through it, it will be for the better. Life outside is SO much better than inside.
#Link to this answer of 'What do you call yourself now that you aren't mormon?' by Maewyn What do you call yourself now that you aren't mormon? See more answers about 'What do you call yourself now that you aren't mormon?'
An eclectic pagan witch
#Link to this answer of 'what would you say to someone who says they would stay in the church even if it was proven to be false?' by Maewyn what would you say to someone who says they would stay in the church even if it was proven to be false? See more answers about 'what would you say to someone who says they would stay in the church even if it was proven to be false?'
They're cowards with no self-respect.
#Link to this answer of 'Why are you sharing your story?' by Maewyn Why are you sharing your story? See more answers about 'Why are you sharing your story?'
The people need to know the truth. People need to be saved from the hardship that comes from a faith like this. It is also empowering and cathartic. It gives a voice to those who may not find the words to express it. Sharing stories is also a way to let them know that they are not alone.
#Link to this answer of 'Why don't you leave the mormon church alone?' by Maewyn Why don't you leave the mormon church alone? See more answers about 'Why don't you leave the mormon church alone?'
Because it's something harmful, I won’t just sit back and ignore it. I spent years in it, and now I’m speaking up. If they can push their beliefs on everyone, I can sure as hell share my truth. If the church didn’t want us speaking out, they shouldn’t have taught us to be persistent missionaries.
#Link to this answer of 'What do you feel or know about the Book of Mormon and DNA Studies?' by Maewyn What do you feel or know about the Book of Mormon and DNA Studies? See more answers about 'What do you feel or know about the Book of Mormon and DNA Studies?'
DNA studies show no genetic link between Native Americans and ancient Jewish populations, which contradicts the Book of Mormon’s claim that Native Americans are descended from Lamanites, ancient Jews. When I heard this, I wasn’t frustrated—I just laughed. Of course, more lies. The church’s attempt to explain away these findings by adjusting narratives to fit the scientific evidence only deepens my distrust. It confirmed what I already knew: it’s all fabricated. If this doesn’t make someone question their faith or leave, I honestly don’t know what will. People are so devoted they are blind to the obvious truth
#Link to this answer of 'Which version of the First Vision do you prefer?' by Maewyn Which version of the First Vision do you prefer? See more answers about 'Which version of the First Vision do you prefer?'
I think being visited by a raging fire tornado would be pretty cool. Feels quite biblical. Like Moses and the burning bush.
#Link to this answer of 'How did your spouse react when you left/ became inactive/ were disfellowshipped/ were excommunicated?' by Maewyn How did your spouse react when you left/ became inactive/ were disfellowshipped/ were excommunicated? See more answers about 'How did your spouse react when you left/ became inactive/ were disfellowshipped/ were excommunicated?'
My husband is a man of unwavering love, He loves me for who I am—completely and without condition. From the very beginning, he understood that I had never truly had the chance to discover myself. He gave me the space to grow, the freedom to be. As long as I’m being true to myself, as long as I’m smart and safe, he doesn’t need me to be anything other than who I am.
I often tell people that if God's love is even half of the love my husband has for me, we’ll all be incredibly lucky. He stands by me, not because I am perfect or because I fit into some ideal, but because he simply wants me to be me.
Many times I thought, that this would be the end of us. When I told him I was a pagan witch, I was certain he would walk away. I believed, deep in my heart, that one day he would wake up and say, ‘This isn’t what I signed up for,’ and that would be the end of it. I feared that as I shed the skin of who I was in the church—smoking, drinking, dressing in ways that would have once made him cringe—he would leave.
But no. Even as I went through my metamorphosis, even when I became someone new, he stayed. He stayed and he loved me, offering support, counsel, and unconditional love, without ever asking me to be anyone but the woman I’ve become.
#Link to this answer of 'What did and do you feel about the Mormon Temple Ceremony?' by Maewyn What did and do you feel about the Mormon Temple Ceremony? See more answers about 'What did and do you feel about the Mormon Temple Ceremony?'
I honestly can't remember. I was PIMO (Physically In, Mentally Out). I did what I had to do to marry my husband—he’s the best thing that ever came out of my time in the church, and it was totally worth it