Hi, I'm Maewyn (not real name)
I'm a practicing Pagan witch, I like to hike, soak in hot springs, spend time with friends, fostering cats I am a veterinary technician. Cat mom of 2. Hater of the false Mormon church and seeker of the origins. I was a Mormon.
About me
I am a woman in my 30s. I fully turned my back on the church when I was about 27, but I didn’t fully leave until I was 29 when I had my spiritual awakening and began walking down the path of pagan witchery.
I was born into the church to my converted parents. My life in the church was mostly uneventful. My parents did their best to raise their family as devoted Mormons. My dad was military so we moved around a lot and have been a part of several different wards.
As for my involvement in the church, I would describe it as vanilla. I went to church because I had to. I participated in achievement days and YW because I had to, But honestly I couldn't care less what they had to teach. I wasn't interested in learning to be a traditional woman. sometimes I would help out with my parents’ callings when they were called to be Boy Scouts, Cub Scouts, Young Women leaders, camp leaders, and coordinators. I enjoyed these roles because they were active and outdoors, and I got out of doing the more traditional "lady activities" like sewing and personal progress. When I was 17, I left Young Women early to join the Relief Society. Shortly after that, I was called to be a nursery worker (typical, right?). I never went on a mission because I didn't want to. A few years after graduating high school, I met my husband, who was a return missionary. Because of my parents' Toxic marriage and the horror stories I have heard I had no intention of marrying. I was convinced that my husband was looking for the stereotypical traditional housewife. but every interaction I had with him proved that that's not what he was interested in. he didn't mind my firey words or wild personality. time and time again he proved my assumptions wrong. then finally after 3 years, we got married at the Palmyra temple.
For a while, I honestly tried to be a good Mormon on my own, but it’s hard to stay devoted to something you never really believed in.
On my shelf
On the Mormon Spectrum
# Why I left More stories of 'Why I left' the Mormon church
There are a lot of reasons I left the church, but if I had to sum it up, it would be these main points:
First off, I realized that a lot of what I was taught wasn’t true. The biggest thing? The idea is that if you live a devoted Mormon life, your life will be perfect. But honestly, I never saw any blessings in my life or my family’s life. The more devoted I was, the harder things seemed to get.
I was born into the church, but I never felt at peace there. Every Sunday, I’d come home angry not the “calm and renewed spirit” the church promised.
I started to see that the messages I was getting weren’t coming from a place of love. Instead, they were driven by fear and control. I was constantly told I had to obey or I’d be lost, and that pressure only led to feelings of shame, not faith or love.
These were just the basics. Here are some personal experiences that stuck with me:
One of the earliest turning points for me was when I was about 7 or 8 years old. I had a cat that was my best friend—she was there for me when I was upset, played with me when I was lonely, and even protected my family. But when she got sick, my mom encouraged me to pray for her recovery. I prayed, but a few weeks later, my cat passed away. I kept asking myself, “What did I do wrong? Did I not pray with enough faith?” I was told that He loved me enough to care for the little things. If I prayed with faith, God would answer. But He didn’t. That's when It all started.
I’ve always been a bit of a rebel, especially when it came to the church. I hated being told what to do, and no matter how much I asked questions, I never felt like I got answers that satisfied me. I hated Achievement Days and Young Women’s. I’m not sure if this was the church’s fault or just how it played out for me, but my time in those classes was awful. My sister and I were constantly bullied by the older girls—the ones who were perfect, and beautiful, and made us feel small and worthless. I remember my first Young Women’s camping trip. Instead of it being a fun uplifting experience, my sister and I were singled out, abandoned, and always picked last. We were laughed at for the smallest mistakes, and when we tried to talk to the other girls, we were met with side eyes and cold shoulders. It was supposed to be a place of sisterhood and love, but instead, it was a toxic environment where cruelty was disguised as friendship.
I can’t help but think of how many other girls felt like I was—rejected and isolated in a place that was supposed to be welcoming. For me, the church became a place of exclusion, not inclusion.
I also never experienced the church the way others talked about it. You know those stories about families who go to a temple once and have their lives changed forever? I've been to multiple temples, That never happened to me.
Even when I was baptized, I was told I’d feel this amazing sense of Christ’s love and a clean slate. I was so excited about it, but when I came out of the water, I felt... wet. I thought maybe I needed the Holy Ghost to feel something, so I went through with the blessing, but still, nothing. It wasn’t some grand, spiritual moment like I was told it would be. I was just left wondering what was wrong with me.
My dad Is an abusive man, and I remember praying so many times that he would change. But nothing changed. I prayed for peace in our home, but things just kept getting worse. No blessings, no miracles.
As a woman in the church, I was taught that my “worth” was tied to having babies and serving my husband. That never sat well with me. I always believed that I had more to offer than just being a wife and a mother. I remember going through the temple and hearing the vow about women submitting to their husbands. I tried to take that vow, but the words wouldn’t come out. To me, it felt like I was signing up for enslavement. I love my husband, but I couldn’t let the church dictate my life like that.
After we got married, people started asking when we’d have kids. I told them I wanted to wait a few years, and when the time came, I wasn’t ready at all. I didn't understand why I was so hesitant about getting pregnant. This is what I was supposed to do right? I sat down and asked myself the taboo question: “Do I even want kids?” My answer was a clear, “No.” And that was it. I felt so much relief to finally figure out where my hesitation was coming from, but now I was scared it would ruin my marriage. But when I finally told my husband, he was fine with it. He said he would be ok never becoming a dad. And that was a HUGE relief. I realized that part of my fear of having kids was because of the pressure from the church. I'm not saying that's the only reason why I'm childless by choice. But it is a contributor. I was told my whole life my purpose was to be a broodmare. If I had kids they won.
But the final breaking point for me was how the church handled Proposition 8. The original policy statement that came out caused so much pain. Families split apart, people left the church, and some even took their own lives. Then, they revised it and said it came after "much prayer and fasting." But that didn’t make sense to me. Why would a loving, all-powerful God need to be begged to fix something He got wrong in the first place? It felt like a group of businessmen took a gamble, lost, and then tried to cover it up.
Leaving the church wasn’t something I decided overnight. It took years of finding cracks in the foundation and moments that chipped away at my belief. For years, I tried to be the Mormon my parents could be proud of, For years, I questioned myself. What did I do wrong? What was wrong with me? I've concluded that The church wasn't built for someone like me. Then after reading the CES letters about 1 year ago. I know in my heart the church isn't true, but false.
Questions about Mormons My Answers to Questions about Mormonism
#Link to this answer of 'Are you happy?' by Maewyn Are you happy? See more answers about 'Are you happy?'
Yes! Ever since I fully left the church, I have never been happier.
#Link to this answer of 'Are you lazy? Is that why you left?' by Maewyn Are you lazy? Is that why you left? See more answers about 'Are you lazy? Is that why you left?'
No. I didn't leave because I was lazy. I left because I did exactly what I was told and they let me down on so many levels
#Link to this answer of 'Are Mormons Christian?' by Maewyn Are Mormons Christian? See more answers about 'Are Mormons Christian?'
That is a loaded question. When I left the church, I did a lot of research, and in my opinion, the church is Christian to an extent. They are Christian enough to receive tax breaks and prestige, but they are not fully Christian. The church claims to be Christian because they "believe in Christ," but other Christian branches will tell you that there is more to it. I would recommend doing research, starting with the Council of Nicaea.
#Link to this answer of 'Any suggestions about how to deal with my still-Mormon family?' by Maewyn Any suggestions about how to deal with my still-Mormon family? See more answers about 'Any suggestions about how to deal with my still-Mormon family?'
These suggestions have worked for me and my family, but they may not work for everyone else:
Be respectful and polite.
Set reasonable boundaries and enforce them (e.g., "No, I will not say prayer or read scriptures").
Be patient; they don’t know any better and they don’t understand what you’ve been through.
Be slow to anger, but don’t be a pushover.
Be honest.
Know when to compromise.
Don’t try to talk them out of the church or force them to see things from your point of view. If they’re not willing to listen and learn, you’re just going to hit a wall. If they want to leave the church that is something they will need to do on their own. all you can do is provide guidance.
Find your tribe. Surround yourself with people who support your views. I have my husband, who is my biggest cheerleader, and I learn from my never-Mormon friends every day about what’s normal and what’s not.
Have confidence in yourself. They may say things to tear you down or pressure you to come back, but you KNOW the truth. You have no regrets about your decision.
Remember, they are acting per their programming—they don’t know any better.
Don’t fight with them, Debate and Educate.
Be yourself as much as you can manage.
"You’re just an angel who goes along with heaven as far as he can."
— Crowley, Good Omens
#Link to this answer of 'Can Mormons Drink Coffee?' by Maewyn Can Mormons Drink Coffee? See more answers about 'Can Mormons Drink Coffee?'
No. The church leaders have made it very clear that any form of coffee is prohibited. If a member were to willingly drink coffee they will lose their ability to go to the temple. To Mormons, that's a very big deal.
#Link to this answer of 'Can you describe the type of faith you had prior to your loss of faith?' by Maewyn Can you describe the type of faith you had prior to your loss of faith? See more answers about 'Can you describe the type of faith you had prior to your loss of faith?'
My faith was strong, I believed in the church and the gospel as much as I believed I was a person. though my testimony would ebb and flow. For me, your testimony is the foundation of your faith. My testimony would ebb, but I believed things would improve. But when my testimony shattered, my faith fell as well.
#Link to this answer of 'Did you receive a patriarchal blessing? What did the experience mean to you?' by Maewyn Did you receive a patriarchal blessing? What did the experience mean to you? See more answers about 'Did you receive a patriarchal blessing? What did the experience mean to you?'
No, as I was taught, a Patriarchal Blessing (PB) was essentially a telling of your future. I didn’t see how being told my future could be considered a blessing. At the time, I was very much against getting married and having children, and honestly, the main reason I didn’t want a PB was because I was afraid it would tell me I had to. Also, getting a PB doesn’t change your fate, so what was the point?
#Link to this answer of 'Did you want to sin? Is that why you left?' by Maewyn Did you want to sin? Is that why you left? See more answers about 'Did you want to sin? Is that why you left?'
No, I left because of the lies and betrayal I felt within the church. When I fully left, I learned that none of it was true—like, NONE of what the church is or teaches is true. This realization made it a lot easier to live. A lot of what the church teaches as sin is just normal living
#Link to this answer of 'Do Mormons Believe in a Loving God?' by Maewyn Do Mormons Believe in a Loving God? See more answers about 'Do Mormons Believe in a Loving God?'
yes, They believe that God's love is eternal and unconditional. they don't see that to get that love, some conditions need to be met.
#Link to this answer of 'Do you believe the Book of Mormon is true?' by Maewyn Do you believe the Book of Mormon is true? See more answers about 'Do you believe the Book of Mormon is true?'
No.
The book is 100% fabricated. If you want further evidence, read the C.E.S. Letters and watch the South Park episode. They explain it better than I can.
#Link to this answer of 'Do you consider yourself a Christian?' by Maewyn Do you consider yourself a Christian? See more answers about 'Do you consider yourself a Christian?'
No,
I will never associate myself with Christians or any other Christian organization. It also doesn’t help that I became a pagan witch about two years after I left.
#Link to this answer of 'Do you hang out with other ex-Mormons?' by Maewyn Do you hang out with other ex-Mormons? See more answers about 'Do you hang out with other ex-Mormons?'
Surprisingly, no. I just haven't found any, except for one recently, but it was a one-time thing. It was so nice to speak to someone who shares the same views, and we trauma-dumped together.
#Link to this answer of 'Has the church been dishonest with its own history?' by Maewyn Has the church been dishonest with its own history? See more answers about 'Has the church been dishonest with its own history?'
Yes, the C.E.S. Letters are a great source to learn from. I also recommend the Mormon Stories podcast and Alyssa Greenfield.
#Link to this answer of 'Does the Mormon church protect sexual predators?' by Maewyn Does the Mormon church protect sexual predators? See more answers about 'Does the Mormon church protect sexual predators?'
Yes, there are so many stories from all over the world. How can they all be lies?
#Link to this answer of 'Has your struggle improved since you left?' by Maewyn Has your struggle improved since you left? See more answers about 'Has your struggle improved since you left?'
YES, TREMENDOUSLY!! I've always noticed that the more devout you are, the more trials you face. Since leaving, my quality of life has improved so much. Life gets better when you live for your life and not for your death.
#Link to this answer of 'Have you had any profound spiritual moments in your life?' by Maewyn Have you had any profound spiritual moments in your life? See more answers about 'Have you had any profound spiritual moments in your life?'
Yes, both inside and outside of the church, but the more powerful and influential experiences have been from outside. Being a witch is my flavor of spirituality. Without the limitations of the church, my spiritual experiences are more profound and have helped me heal and become a better person.
#Link to this answer of 'How did you come to be Mormon? Were you raised in the church?' by Maewyn How did you come to be Mormon? Were you raised in the church? See more answers about 'How did you come to be Mormon? Were you raised in the church?'
I was born into it. My parents where converts.
#Link to this answer of 'How did you feel and what did you experience as a result of your loss of faith?' by Maewyn How did you feel and what did you experience as a result of your loss of faith? See more answers about 'How did you feel and what did you experience as a result of your loss of faith?'
I felt angry and was easily triggered whenever the church was brought up. I cried a lot and I couldn't figure out why I had these strong feelings for a church, even though I didn't associate myself with it anymore. At my most desperate I had a revelation. I was in mourning. I may have felt resentment toward the church for most of my time in it. But I did believe in the church once upon a time. Once I recognized that, I was finally able to let go, move away from the church, and heal.
#Link to this answer of 'How do you currently feel about the church?' by Maewyn How do you currently feel about the church? See more answers about 'How do you currently feel about the church?'
I hate it, and I enjoy watching it bring itself down with its own hubris. It’s a church of lies, and it needs to go away. If the church is going to survive this hemorrhage of members, they will have to drastically downsize from a religious organization to a society, like the Masons or Shriners.
#Link to this answer of 'How do you now explain the spiritual experiences that you had as an Orthodox Mormon?' by Maewyn How do you now explain the spiritual experiences that you had as an Orthodox Mormon? See more answers about 'How do you now explain the spiritual experiences that you had as an Orthodox Mormon?'
They are legit. You don't need a religion or God to have a spiritual experience. listening to music can be just as spiritual.
#Link to this answer of 'How has your leaving Mormonism affected your family relationships, friendships, job, neighbor relationships, social life, etc.?' by Maewyn How has your leaving Mormonism affected your family relationships, friendships, job, neighbor relationships, social life, etc.? See more answers about 'How has your leaving Mormonism affected your family relationships, friendships, job, neighbor relationships, social life, etc.?'
I'm still in contact with my family. I'm lucky to have a family that chose me over the church, but the relationship is strained. I have to hold back a bit because it makes them uncomfortable, and I don’t want to offend them so much that I’m banished. They have their thoughts on what is right, and I have mine, and sometimes they clash.
everyone else outside my family knows I'm an exmo and have some "strong feelings" towards it. but for the most part. they don't care
#Link to this answer of 'How long was your struggle?' by Maewyn How long was your struggle? See more answers about 'How long was your struggle?'
29 years
#Link to this answer of 'What advice would you give to someone interested in joining the Mormon Church? Or for that matter, someone interested in leaving the Mormon Church?' by Maewyn What advice would you give to someone interested in joining the Mormon Church? Or for that matter, someone interested in leaving the Mormon Church? See more answers about 'What advice would you give to someone interested in joining the Mormon Church? Or for that matter, someone interested in leaving the Mormon Church?'
To someone joining the church: you’re better off without it, you don't need it, but if you want to investigate this, research EVERYTHING and question EVERYTHING. Have a healthy level of skepticism around it. If you can learn everything about the church and still want to join, then the church is meant for you.
To someone leaving: I’d give them a high five and express how glorious their journey will be. It’s going to be hard. It’s going to suck. But when you get through it, it will be for the better. Life outside is SO much better than inside.
#Link to this answer of 'What do you call yourself now that you aren't mormon?' by Maewyn What do you call yourself now that you aren't mormon? See more answers about 'What do you call yourself now that you aren't mormon?'
An eclectic pagan witch
#Link to this answer of 'what would you say to someone who says they would stay in the church even if it was proven to be false?' by Maewyn what would you say to someone who says they would stay in the church even if it was proven to be false? See more answers about 'what would you say to someone who says they would stay in the church even if it was proven to be false?'
you're a coward with no self-respect.
#Link to this answer of 'Why are you sharing your story?' by Maewyn Why are you sharing your story? See more answers about 'Why are you sharing your story?'
I'm angry. I hate it. I want to share my experience. The people need to know the truth. People need to be saved from the hardship of a faith like this. It is also empowering and cathartic. It gives a voice to those who may not find the words to express it. Sharing stories is also a way to let them know that they are not alone.
#Link to this answer of 'Why don't you leave the mormon church alone?' by Maewyn Why don't you leave the mormon church alone? See more answers about 'Why don't you leave the mormon church alone?'
Because it's something harmful, I won’t just sit back and ignore it. I spent years in it, and now I’m speaking up. If they can push their beliefs on everyone, I sure as hell can share my truth. If the church didn’t want us speaking out, they shouldn’t have taught us to be persistent missionaries.
#Link to this answer of 'What do you feel or know about the Book of Mormon and DNA Studies?' by Maewyn What do you feel or know about the Book of Mormon and DNA Studies? See more answers about 'What do you feel or know about the Book of Mormon and DNA Studies?'
DNA studies show no genetic link between Native Americans and ancient Jewish populations, which contradicts the Book of Mormon’s claim that Native Americans are descended from Lamanites, ancient Jews. When I heard this, I wasn’t frustrated—I just laughed. Of course, more lies. The church’s attempt to explain away these findings by adjusting narratives to fit the scientific evidence only deepens my distrust. It confirmed what I already knew: it’s all fabricated. If this doesn’t make someone question their faith or leave, I honestly don’t know what will. People are so devoted they are blind to the obvious truth
#Link to this answer of 'Which version of the First Vision do you prefer?' by Maewyn Which version of the First Vision do you prefer? See more answers about 'Which version of the First Vision do you prefer?'
I think being visited by a raging fire tornado would be pretty cool. Feels quite biblical. Like Moses and the burning bush.
#Link to this answer of 'How did your spouse react when you left/ became inactive/ were disfellowshipped/ were excommunicated?' by Maewyn How did your spouse react when you left/ became inactive/ were disfellowshipped/ were excommunicated? See more answers about 'How did your spouse react when you left/ became inactive/ were disfellowshipped/ were excommunicated?'
My husband is a man of unwavering love, He loves me for who I am—completely and without condition. From the very beginning, he understood that I had never truly had the chance to discover myself. He gave me the space to grow, the freedom to be. As long as I’m being true to myself, smart and safe, he doesn’t need me to be anything other than who I am.
I often tell people that if God's love is even half of the love my husband has for me, we’ll all be incredibly lucky. He stands by me, not because I am perfect or because I fit into some idea, but because he simply wants me to be me.
Many times I thought, that this would be the end of us. When I told him I was a pagan witch, I was certain he would walk away. I believed, deep in my heart, that one day he would wake up and say, ‘This isn’t what I signed up for,’ and that would be the end of it. I feared that as I shed the skin of who I was in the church, he would leave.
But no. Even as I went through my metamorphosis, even when I became someone new, he stayed. He stayed and he loved me, offering support, counsel, and unconditional love, without ever asking me to be anyone but the woman I’ve become.
#Link to this answer of 'What did and do you feel about the Mormon Temple Ceremony?' by Maewyn What did and do you feel about the Mormon Temple Ceremony? See more answers about 'What did and do you feel about the Mormon Temple Ceremony?'
I remember bits and pieces. To be fair, I didn't care what was going on so I wasn't paying attention and didn't grasp the weight of the ceremonies. I got endowed the same day I got married. I do remember that part where they make women vow to obey their husbands as they obey god. I could say yes to it. not like a tried but the words stopped in my throat. but to me, it sounded like a verbal agreement to enslavement.
I do remember going through the veil and I held my husband's hand through the veil and "begged" to enter. I remember thinking that the overwhelming love I felt in my heart as I held my husband's hand and said those words would be the same one when I met Jesus and "begged" to be let in. I can't remember the words being said but I remember feeling like I was begging to be let in.