BYU Counsels Divorcees to “Fill the holes that were once filled by sex”

The Covenant Intimacy Conversations discuss the challenging transition individuals may face when moving from a state of being sexually active to sexually inactive due to divorce or the death of a spouse. It states that while it may not be possible to fully replace the aspect of sexual intimacy lost through such life changes, individuals might find ways to address other aspects of their lives that were impacted by the absence of sexual activity.

“Identify the ways that you can start to fill the holes that were once filled by sex.” - BYU School of Family Life - Covenant Intimacy Conversations Website: Single After Marriage - April 14, 2021 | wasmormon.org — “Identify the ways that you can start to fill the holes that were once filled by sex.” – BYU School of Family Life – Covenant Intimacy Conversations Website: Single After Marriage – April 14, 2021

Covenant Intimacy Conversations: Single After Marriage
Transitioning from Sexually Active to Sexually Inactive
The transition from being sexually active to sexually inactive due to divorce or death of a spouse can be difficult. Although you likely won’t be able to replace sexual intimacy, you may be able to identify ways that you can start to fill the holes that were once filled by sex.
BYU School of Family Life – Covenant Intimacy Conversations Website: Single After Marriage – April 14, 2021
https://web.archive.org/web/20210414062943/https://covenantintimacyconversations.byu.edu/single-after-marriage

Innuendo

The conservative religious school is addressing the topic of filling the void left by the absence of sexual intimacy, particularly for those who are divorced. In the Mormon belief system, the importance of sexual relations being within the bounds of marriage as defined by the law of chastity is paramount. The church even interprets that any form of arousal (like masturbation) is also a sin. Breaking the law of chastity is commonly framed as a sin next to murder.

Poor word choice to get the idea across though, the concept and words to discuss the idea by saying those dealing with this circumstance can “start to fill the holes that were once filled by sex.” Filling “sex holes” outside the context of a marital relationship is inconsistent with the church’s teachings about chastity. What are these holes that were once filled by sex? What are they proposing individuals start filling these holes with? Are they proposing filling these holes for pleasure? It won’t likely replace sexual intimacy, but you may be able to identify ways to start to fill the holes.

Background

The BYU School of Family Life has created a website (covenantintimacyconversations.byu.edu) to increase healthy sexuality among members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Marriage and family therapy professor Anthony Hughes and his students created Covenant Intimacy Conversations to provide resources for those seeking to educate themselves or others on healthy sexuality within a gospel framework.
New website delivers resources on healthy sexuality in gospel context
https://universe.byu.edu/2021/04/12/new-website-delivers-resources-on-healthy-sexuality-in-gospel-context/

Kudos to the team and the mission they started the site with, to promote healthy sexuality among church members. This is commendable because as the website creators say, “In the Church, there’s a lot of negative connotations of sex.” “What’s misunderstood is it’s a really good thing within the context of marriage.” and

Married undergraduate students created the site and wrote this article. They both mention in their bios, that they enjoy time with their respective husband. One mentions that they love “combining this research with resources from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.” The students have no experience with divorce or what life is like for those living a post-marriage single life. They have plans to become marriage and family therapists, and hopefully, they do. Hopefully, by then, they learn a thing or two about innuendo though, and also learn to understand their clients a bit better before doling out the advice. They might also learn eventually that the resources from the church and healthy sexuality are mutually exclusive worlds for many.

The unintended innuendo caught fire and the page went viral (by members and ex-Mormons alike). They announced this new website on April 12th, and by the 15th, the site was taken down. It’s no surprise that the church took the whole website down after all the attention. But, it is too bad the snafu caused the church to redact the whole website rather than just fix the poorly worded innuendo. The end result hurts the mission of the site and healthy sexuality is not promoted by the church or the school. The healthy sexuality they sought to promote, is now squelched by the church, who have silenced the School of Family Life at BYU.

The full article is still available on the website as a PDF (found through Google, not through any links on the website). This article, while good, healthy, and fairly sex-positive information, still contains the phrase that was used for the description on the website. They do however end the article with better wording and state, “Although sexual intimacy may not be able to fill the gaps right now, you might be able to discover other activities that can help fill your needs in these dimensions.”

Some people may find themselves single after being married. This may be due to divorce or death of a spouse. If this is you, I’m so sorry.
Although you may be experiencing a variety of difficulties, I hope this can be a safe space for you to explore one aspect of your life that has evolved since the divorce or the death of your spouse. The aspect that I am talking about is sexuality. You are likely experiencing a transition between being sexually active to sexually inactive.
Not many people talk about sexuality in terms of how to tend to your sexuality post-divorce or death of a spouse. There hasn’t been much research on this subject either. For this reason, I hope that by reading this article, you can seek within yourself and discover what your soul is yearning for.
Why is this Transition Difficult?
In general, any transition is difficult because you leave behind comfortable familiarity and you are exposed to unfamiliar circumstances and experiences. In particular, by transitioning from being sexually active to inactive, you may feel like you have lost a part of life that was
familiar and fulfilling.
…
As you think about yourself in regards to your physical, emotional, and spiritual connections, in which of these dimensions are you lacking fulfillment? Although sexual intimacy may not be able to fill the gaps right now, you might be able to discover other activities that can help fill your needs in these dimensions.
Transitioning from Sexually Active to Sexually Inactive by Paige Gifford
https://covenantintimacyconversations.byu.edu/00000177-9395-d076-ab7f-b7d770ff0000/transitioning-from-sexually-active-pdf

Toxic Mormon Sexuality

Be this a sly or unintentional innuendo, it points out the unhealthy relationship many many Mormons and ex-Mormons alike have with sexuality. This is because the church has a toxic relationship with sex.

It’s no surprise though, because the church was founded by a sexual predator, Joseph Smith, who secretly married dozens of other women by spiritual coercion. He married and enjoyed filling holes with teenagers and married women behind the backs of his wife, the woman’s legitimate husbands, the members of the church, and the world. He publicly denied these actions, while today the church he founded admits them to be true. He excommunicated numerous friends from the church because they were forthcoming and honest about his dealings.

Then, after Joseph Smith, the church codified his promiscuous lifestyle into public doctrine and openly practiced polygamy. Many church leaders are now framed in such a way that they did not want polygamy, but those stories are hard to believe when they ended up with 50+ wives like Brigham Young. The church practiced polygamy for generations until they were forced to publicly stop. Then they continued in secret for a while, and/or fled the country to settle in Mexico and Canada. In a church run by the patriarchy who were blessing themselves with an endless supply of sex holes, while simultaneously preaching that breaking the law of chastity is a sin next to murder.

Sexual Sin Next To Murder

Many apologists will suggest that the church doesn’t really teach this atrocious idea. But look no further than the scriptures and the official and latest seminary lesson manual published in 2017. The story of Alma and his sexually deviant son Corianton, who is chastised for his wayward sexual escapade.

Know ye not, my son, that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?
Alma 39:5, Book of Mormon
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/bofm/alma/39?lang=eng&id=p4-p5#p4

This is Alma speaking to his own son Corianton. What did Corianton do that what “most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?” The official church manual teaches that “Corianton had accompanied his brother Shiblon and his father Alma to preach the gospel among the Zoramites, but he had committed serious sins.” The manual clarifies that “the word harlot in verse 3 refers to an immoral woman or prostitute.”

As recorded in verse 5 Alma was referring to sexual sins such as fornication and adultery, which involve participating in sexual relations with another person outside of marriage.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/book-of-mormon-seminary-teacher-manual-2017/introduction-to-the-book-of-alma/lesson-96-alma-39?lang=eng

The manual even instructs the teacher to “help students identify the truth that sexual sin is an abomination in the sight of the Lord.” (bold from manual). It includes a couple questions to discuss as a class such as “Why do you think sexual sin is so serious in the sight of the Lord?” and “Why do you think fornication and adultery are placed next to murder in seriousness?”

We can refer to the Religious Studies Center of BYU to answer these questions. Breaking the law of chastity is considered “next to murder” because it provokes or tampers with the procreative powers of God. They list that these powers are detailed in the infamous D&C 132 – which also details and mingles the procreative powers of God with the polygamous practices of the early church all together calling it the new and everlasting covenant.

The third most serious type of sin is sexual transgression. Although forgivable and pardonable, this is still a most serious sin, for Alma declared to Corianton: “I would to God that ye had not been guilty of so great a crime” (Alma 39:7). To understand the seriousness of sexual sins, we must comprehend the role of the procreative powers in the plan that God has given his children. A careful study of Doctrine and Covenants section 132 reveals that sacred role. Those who live worthy to pass by the gods and the angels “to their exaltation and glory in all things” will receive the glory of a “fulness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever.” They shall become “gods, because they have no end” and shall have a “continuation of the seeds” (see D&C 132:19–22). If an individual does not qualify through the marriage covenant for this exaltation, that will be the “end of his kingdom; he cannot have an increase” (D&C 131:4). The keys words—”continuation of seeds,” “continuation of the seeds,” and “increase”—all suggest the role of the continuing power of procreation. Of all the power which God possesses, this power separates him from the angels. He has granted this deifying power to men and women on this earth for this short probationary period. How we use it and the attitudes that we develop about it determine whether we will have the opportunity to possess it during the eternities. The misuse of this power can be very condemning.
BYU Religious Studies Center, The Three Most Abominable Sins, by H. Dean Garrett
https://rsc.byu.edu/book-mormon-alma-testimony-word/three-most-abominable-sins

How did this sexually unhealthy culture of shame and purity and patriarchy shape your own views of sexuality? Does the church need to do better to promote a healthy view of sexuality? Is there any surprise that there is an unhealthy mindset and culture around sexuality in a church founded by sexual predators like Joseph Smith and Brigham Young who had no qualms paring up with 30+ and 50+ wives each? How did you reconcile polygamy and the shame culture of the church? Were they issues on your shelf? Please consider sharing your deconstruction and struggles with the church’s truth claims by sharing your story on wasmormon.org today!

More reading: