I was riddled with guilt and shame every single day. My self-respect was trashed by that guilt. I invested countless hours serving in the church, working harder and harder at my career, in the community, in my home, all to be an example of the joy of being a Mormon.
In January 2018, I reached a breaking point that nearly killed me. Being broken down to my weakest point allowed me to ask the questions that I had been too busy to ask.
The answers to those questions led me to leave Mormonism, a decision that I don't regret.
It controlled it. Everything in life revolved around the mormon worldview. My prescribed goals were centered around the church. It was too much. Each week after being involved in passing the sacrament, I felt guilty because I felt like I had lied to the congregation. I took it on personally, and that affected me deeply. I realize now that I was just part of the system, but that was how I felt for years.