Hello!
I was a mormon until very recently!
About me
I grew up in the church and was always told it was true and was taught from birth to believe it and that I would serve a mission and get married in the temple. I was never asked what I wanted. I very distinctly remember being told many times that "no matter what, the church is still true." I even remember when I "got my own testimony." It was in an outdoor activity that also aligned with how I connect spiritually in grounding exercises. For the longest time, I fully believed this was my testimony and that it meant that everything was true. This idea is aligned with doctrine I heard from profits and local leaders at multiple times in my life, of "If the book of mormon is true, it is all true." If you want to get an answer, keep praying until you get it. If you don't get an answer, there must be something in your life that is out of tune with the teachings and you are probably not keeping the commandments.
I served a mission in Brazil and it was both good and bad. It was hard and I also felt spiritual many times throughout. It was also the only time in my life that I have ever had any suicidal ideations. I remember thinking about stepping in front of a bus and later joking about it with another missionary I knew in the MTC. (Interesting that he went home from his mission after about a year). I got home from my mission and married in the temple 6 months later to my now wife and the girl I had dated briefly before my mission. Throughout my nearly 40 years, I have done as many things "right" as I could do (outside of some "sins" that I have felt same and guilt about for many years.) For many years, I have been in the idea of "scrupulosity" and really have struggled to feel good enough.
I was a counselor in the bishopric before being released about 2 years ago. I have felt less and less spiritual over the past few years when in Mormon chapels and temples. So much so that when I was sitting in a temple dedication earlier this year, I didn't feel anything spiritual and was surprised about that. This lead me to questioning how much I actually feel the "spirit" in church settings rather than the incredible amounts of spirituality that I feel in so many other areas of my life. I love connecting with nature, time with my wife and children, biking, and even in my career as a therapist. It would be disingenuous of me to stay in the church at this point due to my struggles and feeling manipulated and controlled now that my eyes have opened.
I am sick of the church's culture, it's convoluted past, the drama bullshit that is so prevalent, and the constant striving to be seen as _______. I feel healthier mentally outside of the church and really I think this all proves out in why I have been comfortable when I feel like the black sheep in situations.
My wife has told me that so many times, she has looked at me in various church situations, the temple, and even on the stand as a bishop's counselor and seen me looking disinterested, annoyed, or even mad. I think I have been on my way out for a long time and I just didn't admit it to myself.
On my shelf
On the Mormon Spectrum
# Why I left More stories of 'Why I left' the Mormon church
I stopped "doubting my doubts" and actually started trying to get real answers, both spiritual and through different sources, both in and out of the church. This led me to explore how, when, and where I feel positive spiritual confirmations, validations, and actual self love. It also led me to explore some of what I have been taught is "evil" in the "anti-mormon" literature and my eyes have been even further opened to the problems in church history, treatment of people in various spheres, and the patterns of manipulation that I encourage my clients to work through every day.
I am not ready to put my name out there yet. I hope I feel comfortable soon. I did want to write this all down and explore at least writing it out. Thank you and God bless!
Questions about Mormons My Answers to Questions about Mormonism
#Link to this answer of 'Are you happy?' by My Journey Are you happy? See more answers about 'Are you happy?'
I feel like a veil has been lifted and I feel happier about this than I have felt in many years while in the church. I even studied happiness and have looked into the highs and lows in human functioning. I feel like my baseline has increased as a result of the journey I am on.
#Link to this answer of 'Can you describe the type of faith you had prior to your loss of faith?' by My Journey Can you describe the type of faith you had prior to your loss of faith? See more answers about 'Can you describe the type of faith you had prior to your loss of faith?'
I believe I had the faith that I was trained to have. I stated before that I was told on many occasions "No matter what, the church is still true." I feel like this narrative was further intensified when my oldest brother left the church when I was in my early teens.
#Link to this answer of 'Did you want to sin? Is that why you left?' by My Journey Did you want to sin? Is that why you left? See more answers about 'Did you want to sin? Is that why you left?'
I feel less guilt than I ever have in my life with the concept of "sin." I have lived in a state of shame for my whole life any time I mess up and I think that I am accepting myself more than I ever have. I left to find myself and I am excited for the journey without being bogged down by guilt and shame for "sins."
#Link to this answer of 'Do you believe the Book of Mormon is true?' by My Journey Do you believe the Book of Mormon is true? See more answers about 'Do you believe the Book of Mormon is true?'
No. Crazy amount of issues with the book of mormon. The thing that really put it over the top for me to question the book of mormon is finding out the change in the introduction about the "principle" ancestors of the American Indians to "among" the ancestors of the American Indians. This opened the flood gate for me where I started exploring issues and I stopped doubting my doubts.
#Link to this answer of 'Has the church been dishonest with its own history?' by My Journey Has the church been dishonest with its own history? See more answers about 'Has the church been dishonest with its own history?'
Absolutely. Blew my mind to find out that the church was willing to send members to prison to continue practicing polygamy after the manifesto. Made me realize how quickly I would choose my family before any organization that would ask me to go to prison for them.
#Link to this answer of 'Have you experienced gaslighting from the Mormon church?' by My Journey Have you experienced gaslighting from the Mormon church? See more answers about 'Have you experienced gaslighting from the Mormon church?'
I think that gaslighting is built into the church from a young age. I was not evil for having "impure" natural developmental thoughts as a young teenager. I was never at any point "not righteous enough" that it affected me receiving personal revelation or feeling the spirit.
#Link to this answer of 'Have you had any profound spiritual moments in your life?' by My Journey Have you had any profound spiritual moments in your life? See more answers about 'Have you had any profound spiritual moments in your life?'
I have spiritual moments on a regular basis. I am grateful for those moments and especially because they have helped me realize that my life needs to be separate from the mormon church.
#Link to this answer of 'How did being Mormon affect your daily life?' by My Journey How did being Mormon affect your daily life? See more answers about 'How did being Mormon affect your daily life?'
It really could have been more encompassing of my entire life if I would have let it. When in the bishopric and on my mission it was fully encompassing but outside of those times, I really have been exploring myself and my ideas for many years and not being fully dominated by the church.