Hi! I go by Byrd.
I'm transmasculine, genderqueer, generally queer, and a refugee of Trump's America. I was a mormon.
About me
I was born and raised in the suburbs of one of the largest cities in my state, which was founded by Mormons. I spent nearly twenty years holding out hope that I might actually feel the spirit in such a way that was undeniable. It never happened. I was suicidal by seven years old due to abusive parents and extensive bullying at school, and I only got baptized at eight because I hoped I'd finally be able to feel the spirit and get the guidance I so desperately needed. For my entire childhood and adolescence, I struggled with severe mental health issues, abuse, self-esteem, and keeping up in school.
At fourteen I recognized that I didn't experience sexual attraction. I found out about asexuality and realized that there was nothing wrong with this, and also started spending time in queer spaces. I had always been a feminist, and as I spent time with queer people and liberals, I fell down the TERF pipeline. They were the only people that seemed to understand how much I hated being a woman and the expectations that came with that role. Thankfully, I got out relatively quickly after seeing the way they treated trans people. I was able to recognize that queerness is an axis upon which millions are oppressed to varying degrees, from microaggressions and ignorance to hate crimes and discrimination to outright genocide. The caricatures TERFs painted were misleading, ignorant, and dangerous, so I left that behind.
At 17 or 18, I realized that I was not cisgender. I didn't realize the extent to which I was dysphoric, nor just how queer and masculine my gender actually is. I simply called myself a butch, genderqueer woman. Surely, if I could wear a dress on Sundays, and if I could allow people to use she/her pronouns for me, that would be enough. Surely it would alleviate enough dysphoria to allow me to feel more comfortable in my skin without making me trans enough to need fixing.
Neither of those were true. I was slightly happier, but it still wasn't right. I barely allowed myself to think about ways to alleviate dysphoria. A binder would only serve me for safety, convenience, and cosplay. A double mastectomy was only an option if I found out I was at high risk for breast cancer, and god did I want to test positive for the BRCA gene. Bottom surgery? Hormones? Out of the question. I would never be allowed to go that far and still be accepted as a Mormon.
When I was 19, it happened.
On my shelf
On the Mormon Spectrum
# Why I left More stories of 'Why I left' the Mormon church
Christmas week of 2021, my shelf broke. The trigger that really got the ball rolling in a way that was impossible to stop wasn't queerness, wasn't the history, wasn't the fallacies, wasn't the abuse, wasn't the racism, wasn't the sexism, wasn't anything that really mattered all that much in the grand scheme of things. It was, of all things, weed. Specifically, the policy that Mormonism held on marijuana at the time - it could only be used medicinally. Using it recreationally would be a sin.
I was turning that over in my head because, as I said, I'd had psychiatric issues for a very long time. I wanted an alternative option to proper pharmaceuticals. I was thinking about weed, and whether or not I qualified to use it medicinally. By this point, I'd learned quite a bit about the war on drugs and its impact, and I recognized that any policy that criminalizes drug use will also criminalize the most vulnerable people around. Addiction is not a moral failing, it's a physiological condition, and criminalization/stigmatization, along with everything else the war on drugs was REALLY about, has only made things worse. Way, way worse.
And I recognized that this policy was informed by the war on drugs. Not informed in the sense that it learned from the poor decisions made by the government that made things worse, informed in the sense that it was simply repeating history, perpetuating the same damn issue. This was upsetting to me. The only time Mormonism ever acknowledges that prophets are fallible is in the past tense - their bloody, violent, and abusive history is the result of human fallibility, but modern prophets are messengers of god and should not be questioned.
And as I thought about it, the absolute idiocy and ridiculousness of the situation really started to sink in. The line between recreational and medicinal marijuana use is impossible to draw perfectly for all situations, especially in the case of anything connected to psychiatric health. Recreation is a medical necessity for a healthy mind and body.
At the time, however, I figured it might be possible for an expert to do so (even in the case of psychiatric treatment), but I knew for a fact that these old white dudes were not only not experts in a single relevant field, they had probably never seen a gram of weed in their entire lives. I was also entirely unsatisfied with the idea of settling this between myself and god, because frankly, I'd never heard a word from the guy that I could confidently say was from him and not just my own brain thinking. So I decided that, y'know what? These guys have no idea what the hell they're talking about, this is a stupid-ass rule, and if weed helps me, I'm going to use it however it helps me. If god has a problem with that, he can actually talk to me in a way that I know it's him. And frankly, if he's as loving and benevolent as I've been taught, I don't think he will.
And after my brain finished processing that thought, another one hit me like a damn freight train. If THIS rule, which, let's be honest, isn't really a big deal to me, is stupid enough that I'm willing to casually defenestrate it, so to speak, then, well, there are some other rules I've been unhappy about that I should REALLY take a second look at. Suddenly, every last bit of suppressed rage and indignation at the unjust treatment of marginalized people, especially the queer community and women, hit me all at once with overwhelming force. This was not a loss of faith, mind you. This was a realization that regardless of how much of the church was true, surely this cruelty could not be a part of the doctrine. A loving god would not accept that. I refused to accept it. I came to the conclusion that not only had the past prophets made mistakes, but the current ones were simply repeating the cycle, and I would not stand for it. I would not follow someone that preached hatred, and cruelty, and exclusion. It was unacceptable. If God was real and loving as I'd been taught, the current state of Mormonism would bring him unimaginable shame, disgust, and disappointment.
So I decided that, until the church got their shit together and became the gospel of love, kindness, acceptance, inclusion, and equality/equity that I had been raised to believe it was and should have always been, I was done. I was going to take my leave and live a life free from their rules, and explore as much as I could until I deemed that they were good enough to follow again.
And as I fantasized about my newfound freedom, one of the first things that came to mind was the desire to transition. I wanted to go all the way. I wanted both surgeries and hormones and a full social transition and a new name and oh god yeah that's. that's not cisgender. It was in that moment that I recognized just how much I was suffering from dysphoria and repression.
I came out to my family almost immediately, expecting support or at the very least enough acceptance and love. This did not happen. Instead, I was faced with ignorance, microaggressions, abuse, dismissal, gaslighting, manipulation, forced isolation, neglect, and quite possibly an attempt to force me to choose to either kill myself or return to the fold. I've talked about a lot of this on my tumblr blog in the tag "byrd is an exmo" and "byrd's business". I also soon realized that I could never go back, even if they solved every ethical issue I had with them, because it's a fraudulent cult founded by a con man.
All of this came to a head about two years ago now, when things got so bad that my options were to either die or leave. I had no faith in my ability to survive without the help of my parents, but I knew for a fact that staying would be too much to bear. So I woke up at about four AM, before everyone else, and packed up as much as I could. I had to leave a lot behind, either because I couldn't carry it or because it was located somewhere too risky to attempt to access (such as a bedroom or behind a squeaky door, which could wake people up). Once I had what little I was able to bring, mostly packed in trash bags, I left a note on the fridge to buy myself as much time as possible, opened the front door as quietly as I could, and left.
For the next year and a half and change, I was homeless. It was hard, dangerous, traumatizing, and terrifying. The entire time, I was waiting for something horrible to happen, to make it clear that I had made the wrong decision, that I should go back to my family. Horrible things did happen, but as time went on... I realized that every single moment I spent out on my own - whether it was in a hospital, in a shelter, in a program, in the psych ward, in a motel, or crashing on someone's couch, no matter how people treated me - all of it, from the uncertainty to the violence and violations, was worth it. I had made the right choice in leaving, and I was devastated.
I had wanted so badly to be wrong. In the end, though, I am glad that I was right. I'm grateful that I chose to give living one last shot, because I'm now living with a woman who loves me like no relative ever has, I have a support system full of people who feel similarly, I know myself better than ever, I am more safe and loved than I have ever been. Despite the global descent into fascism, despite governments around the world trying to eradicate people like me, this is the best my life has ever been.
Questions about Mormons My Answers to Questions about Mormonism
#Link to this answer of 'Are Mormons Christian?' by Byrd Are Mormons Christian? See more answers about 'Are Mormons Christian?'
It depends on who you ask and why you're asking. Do Mormons worship Christ? Yeah, sure. Do they consider themselves Christian? 100%. Are they *true* Christians? Honestly, I have yet to meet someone who people can agree is a true Christian. People can't even decide if the damn pope is a Christian. Trying to decide that is based in the No True Scotsman fallacy, and frankly, a waste of time.
That said, I do think that, for most intents and purposes, they qualify. Culturally, they are Christian, and as such contribute to and perpetuate cultural Christianity, and ex-members will need to break down their beliefs to figure out what's real and based in truth, what came from the church and nobody outside of it believes, and what came from Christianity that they decided to keep for funsies or whatever, so that they can figure out what they want to keep and what they want to leave behind.
#Link to this answer of 'Are you happy?' by Byrd Are you happy? See more answers about 'Are you happy?'
I am happier than I have ever been. I have found safety, real and unconditional love, friends that I wouldn't trade for the world, welcoming and accepting communities, and people that are actually able to get to know me, the REAL me, without trying to fix parts of me that aren't broken. Asking "are you happy" is kind of a misleading question - nobody is happy all of the time. But in the sense of having more good days than bad, having my needs met, being loved, being accepted, being appreciated, being known, and having good mental health? 100%, absolutely. Life isn't perfect - fascism is on the rise and there are many people who would rather see me keel over dead than live a happy life - but this is still such a massive improvement.
#Link to this answer of 'Do Mormons Believe in a Loving God?' by Byrd Do Mormons Believe in a Loving God? See more answers about 'Do Mormons Believe in a Loving God?'
They say they do. And truthfully, they see their god as loving. But if you take a closer look at the origin story of Mormonism, it basically states that every single human that has ever lived, does currently live, and will ever live, along with every demon and evil spirit to ever exist, originally started out as spirit children in heaven. Then god said "hey, I have an idea - I'm gonna send y'all down to earth to suffer, learn, and grow. Some of you will not make it back to live with me, but that is a sacrifice I'm willing to make. The most important part about all of this is allowing you to get bodies and learn how to be a person."
Supposedly, everyone was overjoyed at this. Everyone except for Lucifer, who, in my opinion, made a damn good point: "Hey, man, surely there's a safer way to do this so we *don't* lose anyone to sin or temptation or whatever? Like, can you just. Come down to earth with us and walk us through it step by step? I know free will is super important to you and all, but I think we'd benefit from a little more hand-holding than just ol' Jeezy boy hopping down for one lifetime to spread the good word and then die and come back to life only to leave again? I mean, come on, I feel like you're making this way more complicated than it needs to be."
And god, our supposedly loving father, hears this, and says to him, "Nah. Now shut up and fall in line or I'll kick you out of heaven into The Fucking Void™ where you'll have to spend all of eternity miserable and alone. Capisce?"
So Lucifer storms off and shares his ideas with some of the other spirit children in heaven, and they agree that his idea is pretty good! Much safer, simpler, etc. Nobody ever said we could only do one or the other, but maybe a supervised camping trip into the wilderness might be a good idea to prepare for being chucked into the same wilderness to fend for ourselves.
Lucifer brings his small army of "followers", if you can call them that, and says to god, "hey, so, uh. I talked to some of the other kids and they agree with me that this idea is probably a better option for us. Can you please at least consider doing something a little safer?"
And god? The supposedly loving, compassionate, and rarely wrathful god? He just... follows through on his promise, kicking out a third of every soul he'd ever made.
Now, Mormons like to act all high and mighty as if god is simply so wise that his motives are beyond our understanding and therefore unquestionable. I disagree. If god knows everything, then he knows that humans are curious and curiosity leads to skepticism, and he'd know that many of us, myself included, are completely unwilling to accept that he Works In Mysterious Ways™ and is thus beyond criticism or questioning. People who don't want you to think or ask questions are NEVER your friends.
As such, I'm going to present it without all the holier-than-thou, high horse riding, superiority complex having nonsense. Imagine you are a small child. Five years old at most. You are living with your parents and several siblings. One day, your dad gathers all of you up and says to you, "Hey, kiddos. I think it's time you learned some wilderness survival skills. I'm gonna send you out into the woods, alone, a few at a time. After the first few go out and get mauled half to death or starve or whatever, Jesus, your oldest brother, is going to come out and teach you as much as he can. Then he's gonna come back, and then he's gonna go out again before coming back again. He's gonna be the only one with a walkie talkie for now, so if you have any questions, ask him. Oh, and the first few people that get sent out aren't going to have anything."
"Before Jesus comes back for the last time, he's gonna hand off the walkie talkie to someone else, but the rest of you are going to have the freedom to ignore whatever the hell I'm saying. If the guy who gets the line decides to ignore me, well, too bad so sad. Oh, and at some point it's gonna break, and then you're gonna lose communication with me for probably at least a few years. There's gonna be people that try to fix it, but it'll only get bits and pieces, so. Do with that what you will."
"Oh, and later, I'll send out Joe. I know, he's not very nice, but he'll get a new walkie-talkie, and that's what matters. Anyways, as soon as Joe comes out, you'll know that I'll be coming out to get everyone to bring them back home for a party! Doesn't that sound nice? You'll learn so much, grow, and probably get some really cool scars and stories to tell!"
"Now, you all know how much I love you. But if you do anything wrong, anything at all, and aren't willing to apologize for it and beg for forgiveness, putting yourself totally and wholly at my mercy, I'm gonna throw you into the dungeon downstairs. It's dark, there's nothing to do, and you'll never see any of your loved ones ever again."
And for some fucking reason, probably because you're all a bunch of naive kids, everyone cheers! But Lucifer, the second-oldest brother, is pretty concerned about all of this. He goes up to dear old dad afterwards and asks him to reconsider all of this. It sounds pretty dangerous, and, uh, why do we have a dungeon anyways? Please don't throw us in the dungeon. That's... kinda messed up.
And dear old dad tells him that he can either go along with this plan or end up in the dungeon. So Lucifer leaves to talk to the other kids. Some of them don't really care what he has to say. Some of them, however, listen, and realize that, y'know, putting kids in a dungeon for the rest of their lives is pretty cruel and wildly unacceptable. So they gather together, one-third of all of these kids, and go talk to god, and lay out their qualms with the plan. And god? God sics all the other kids on them, overpowers them, and throws them into the dungeon.
The plan goes on as usual. Lucifer is somehow the bad guy in all of this. The kids go out, their memories magically wiped of everything before being dropped into the wilderness, and most of them just tend to focus on keeping themselves and the people they got dropped near alive.
Does that sound like a loving parent to you?
#Link to this answer of 'Have you experienced gaslighting from the Mormon church?' by Byrd Have you experienced gaslighting from the Mormon church? See more answers about 'Have you experienced gaslighting from the Mormon church?'
Oh boy do I have an answer for you!
This is like. All they do. It's their whole fucking brand. This shit runs on gaslighting.
Not only that, but whenever I've had to deal with psychosis, I've been able to double-bookkeep my way through it with no problems. For those of you who don't know, double-bookkeeping is a skill that psychotic people can use to hold two separate and contradictory beliefs simultaneously, which can allow us to act as if both could be true and therefore both should be prepared for, and to accept that our beliefs may not reflect reality, which reduces disorientation and distress... when it works. It's not a common skill as far as I know, and it's certainly not something that works for everyone - for some people, it actually makes things worse.
Why is this relevant? Because the reason I'm so good at double-bookkeeping is because I was basically forced to do that for nearly two goddamn decades to justify being a rational person who believed in science and treating people with kindness AND being a Mormon. The kind of delusions I've dealt with are child's play in comparison to the mental gymnastics required to be Mormon and be kind at the same time.
#Link to this answer of 'What advice would you give to someone interested in joining the Mormon Church? Or for that matter, someone interested in leaving the Mormon Church?' by Byrd What advice would you give to someone interested in joining the Mormon Church? Or for that matter, someone interested in leaving the Mormon Church? See more answers about 'What advice would you give to someone interested in joining the Mormon Church? Or for that matter, someone interested in leaving the Mormon Church?'
Run. Get as far away as you can, as fast as you can. This shit ruins lives, destroys relationships, and gets some of the most vulnerable people in the world killed for no good reason. Get out and don't look back. Don't be mean to the members for being members - it'll only fuel the persecution complex. Just get out. I cannot emphasize this enough that Mormonism is NOT worth it. It's not.
#Link to this answer of 'What do you believe now?' by Byrd What do you believe now? See more answers about 'What do you believe now?'
Honestly, I'm not sure. I think I'm like... semi-agnostic? Basically, I don't know what the fuck happens after I die, nobody else knows, and we currently have no way to know. I'm open to proof that there is some higher power, but, like. Scientific. Not just "a feeling" or something that could just as easily be natural phenomena. That said, I lean pretty heavily towards pantheism. I also believe that what happens after we die doesn't really matter when it comes to what we do in this life. No amount of heavenly reward is worth giving up my human rights, allowing atrocities to be committed in the name of gospel, or any amount of unnecessary suffering.
I also kind of have beef with the inherent concept of a single, all-knowing, all-powerful, loving, benevolent, and supposedly perfect and infallible god. I don't think suffering is a virtue in and of itself, I don't think pain is the best way to learn everything, and I certainly don't approve of any more negative reinforcement than already exists by nature of the laws of physics and how the world beyond humans exists. As such, I refuse to believe that a single god that fits all of those characteristics exists - if they are all-knowing and all-powerful, then allowing this much undue suffering is unacceptable, and therefore they are not perfect or infallible, nor do I think they're likely to be loving and benevolent.
I was interested in Judaism for a while, but it's just... not for me. I do love that Judaism seems to recognize this, and not only allows but encourages questioning gd, his decisions, his reasoning, the way things are, and even encourages demanding better treatment. That's a god I could get behind.
I'm also kinda into witchcraft, but in a chill "yeah I don't know if this is real or not and frankly I don't care" kind of way. To me, the first rule of witchcraft is to have fun and be yourself.
I will also say that, while I have beef with some of the concepts inherent to Mormonism and most sects of Christianity, I don't have beef with Christians or even Mormons themselves. However, due to having previously been a Mormon, I know what they're expected to do, and who they're expected to be, so I also am much warier of them than anyone else. Christians get a little more leeway to start, especially now that I'm in a country that isn't the US (where Christians tend to be especially bold and in-your-face about trying to convert everyone they see), but I'm still wary because, well, I did grow up in the US, where many Christians are just as obsessed with converting others as Mormons are, if not more so.
#Link to this answer of 'Why don't you leave the mormon church alone?' by Byrd Why don't you leave the mormon church alone? See more answers about 'Why don't you leave the mormon church alone?'
Because Mormonism nearly got me killed. Additionally, its chokehold on the Morridor, the American people/government, and its members in general, is getting countless others killed, too. Remember the Colorado Springs Nightclub Shooting? Just over a year earlier, Jeffrey Holland gave a talk to the BYU campus known as the "musket fire" talk.
"'In a way [Church of Jesus Christ] scholars at BYU and elsewhere are a little bit like the builders of the temple in Nauvoo, who worked with a trowel in one hand and a musket in the other. Today scholars building the temple of learning must also pause on occasion to defend the kingdom. I personally think this is one of the reasons the Lord established and maintains this university. The dual role of builder and defender is unique and ongoing. I am grateful we have scholars today who can handle, as it were, both trowels and muskets.'
To this, Elder Oaks then challengingly responded, “I would like to hear a little more musket fire from this temple of learning.”13 He said this in a way that could have applied to a host of topics in various departments, but the one he specifically mentioned was the doctrine of the family and defending marriage as the union of a man and a woman."
He prattles on a bit about how sad he is about the violence enacted against "allies", and then goes on to say the following:
"My Brethren have made the case for the metaphor of musket fire, which I have endorsed yet again today."
I don't care how much you say you don't like violence. When you use metaphors of violence to describe how you would like a violently oppressed demographic to be treated, you encourage if not outright endorse violence.
The shooter was raised in the church by a devout Mormon family.
I will not stop sharing my experiences and supporting ex-mormons who tell the truth until the day that we are all free from the oppression and violence directly caused by this cult. I will never forgive the people that have caused unimaginable suffering and countless deaths and have consistently refused to take responsibility, admit fault, and offer any kind of recompense. I will never forgive the organization that motivated my family to shun and mistreat me when all I wanted was to be loved and accepted for all of who and what I am.
I do not believe in hell, nor outer darkness, nor punitive "justice", nor suffering as retribution. But I will not let this go until ALL of us are free from cult indoctrination and undue influence.
I do not care if you want to believe in the gospel of Mormonism or not. That's not my place to decide. However, the very moment that you start trying to convert others, especially those that are vulnerable (which, by the way, are often the victim of choice for indoctrination), you are my enemy and an enemy of freedom and autonomy. I will not stand by and allow this to continue.
I may only be one person, but I will not stop talking about it because all of this needs to be said.
#Link to this answer of 'Why are you sharing your story?' by Byrd Why are you sharing your story? See more answers about 'Why are you sharing your story?'
Because I'm far from the only one. There are countless other people who've gone through hell and back again because of Mormonism. Countless more simply don't make it out alive. Even staying out of the church isn't good enough to be safe from them, because they will find you at your lowest and most vulnerable to try and bring you in for that sweet sweet tithing money and political influence. If it's not that, it's the political influence outlawing your existence or just generally infringing on your rights and freedoms. If it's not that, it's encouraging violence against you and the people you love for the crime of not fitting their idea of a righteous human.
I also speak up about it because it's a major part of my past and a major source of trauma. Because of that, not only does it simply tend to come up a lot, but I find it vital to find others who've experienced similar and build solidarity with them for all of our sakes.
#Link to this answer of 'How did you feel and what did you experience as a result of your loss of faith?' by Byrd How did you feel and what did you experience as a result of your loss of faith? See more answers about 'How did you feel and what did you experience as a result of your loss of faith?'
Losing my faith was scary, because it called into question everything I'd ever believed. Some of it - such as the blatant lies Mormonism tells to justify abuse - was pretty easy to cope with and kind of expected, honestly. Some of it was more subtle and surprised me - such as the concepts of every religion being basically the same concept, just with different levels of correct and incorrect ideas. Some of it came completely out of left field and was devastating to come to terms with - like the fact that the people that had loved me had done so conditionally, and I no longer met those conditions.
I lost my entire support system as a result of leaving. I chose to stop interacting with my friends, because I knew they wouldn't understand and would do anything to bring me back. I couldn't bring myself to put us both through even more heartbreak.
So, if you grew up in Mesa, Arizona, and were friends with a young woman who seemingly dropped off the face of the earth, and then found out that she ran away from home, never to return... that was me. I'm not a woman, and I'm sorry things had to be that way. If you've since left Mormonism and you think you might've known me, please, by all means, reach out to me on my Bluesky or on my tumblr. Just send me your name and how we would've known each other and I'd love to reconnect.
Just... don't tell anyone who's still Mormon about me.