Mary Kathryn’s journey out of Mormonism is one of transformation, resilience, and self-discovery. A devoted believer, she followed the prescribed path—attending BYU, marrying young, and having eight children by age 35. She dedicated herself fully to the faith, shaping her identity around the church’s teachings on womanhood, family, and service. However, as life unfolded—with personal struggles, family crises, and moments of cognitive dissonance—she began to question the rigid belief system that had defined her existence.
Her faith crisis was not a single moment but a series of awakenings: seeing close friends leave the church, recognizing the toxic influence of purity culture and patriarchy, and clashing with church leadership over seemingly minor issues like allowing young women to wear pants on a pioneer reenactment trek. When her voice was dismissed, her concerns minimized, and her self-worth diminished by the system she had served so faithfully, she realized that her devotion had come at great personal cost.
Mary Kathryn’s story is one of courage—of reclaiming her voice, shedding harmful beliefs, and embracing a new way of being. Free from the expectations and pressures of Mormonism, she has found deeper compassion for herself and others. Though her departure was met with disapproval from believing family members, she stands firm in her truth, choosing authenticity over conformity. She has redefined spirituality, rediscovered her personal power, and cultivated a family life rooted in love rather than obligation.
I graduated from BYU, got married had 8 kids by 35 years old, and became disillusioned with the church at 40. I went to EFY when I was 16 and saw righteous good looking men and knew that was where I would go to college. It was the only place I applied. BYU or bust. I declared my major engineering and started college. I listened to every devotional, religion teacher and general conference talk and quickly learned my place. I was to be a wife and a mother. I switched majors to family money management and started my search for a man who could support the large family I was to have as a devoted member and a builder of the kingdom. I was a Mormon.
Derrick fit the list: returned missionary righteous priesthood holder. We had similar goals and got engaged. Our engagement was traumatic. We were so in love and were all over each other. We accidentally had oral sex. Which was amazing, but also terrible because we broke the law of chastity. Being the extremely righteous people we were we ran to our bishop and tried to repent. Several traumatic things followed. Derrick’s parents wanted us to tell his 5 younger siblings why we couldn’t get married in the temple. We spent the night in the hospital because the stress caused me to get food stuck in my throat. Derrick lost his favorite job teaching at the MTC. Fortunately we did not get kicked out of BYU as we were both almost finished. 3. Disciplinary council for Derrick. BYU Bishop ensued the council to feel bad bad bad-god is so mad and sad at your behavior. In fact maybe Mary should have been a better gatekeeper-is she even wife material?
The wedding itself was very stressful. Derrick’s mom suggested we call everyone and tell them we actually weren’t getting married in the temple. We refused to do that, but it was awkward at our reception when loved ones asked how the temple was. We were ashamed and embarrassed. We got pregnant on our 1 year anniversary which we interpreted as god rewarding us for being sealed in the temple. Derrick went to dental school and we bit off way more than we could chew, kid after kid after kid and callings galore. We served our hearts out and made some great friends along the way. Looking back to that time we both have major PTSD. We did too much, especially for church. We continued to work hard and serve hard and have lots of babies. My sister passed away in 2010 and we adopted her daughter along with having a baby. We had her sealed in the temple which was followed by a bunch of weird comments about how she now belonged to us for eternity.
I met Molly. Molly was questioning the church and her desire to leave was growing. She was the primary chorister and was trying to increase female representation in the songs being taught which I greatly respected and admired. She helped me to start thinking more critically. Because of Molly I started opening my mind which was very rigid and devout. Watching her in the primary room teaching on her last Sunday was heartbreaking- why were all the best people leaving?? And did we really want to know the answer? Many of Derrick’s home teaching people left. We were so confused- how could they leave god and his church.
Derrick’s brother’s baby Charlotte dies of cancer. The family doesn’t want me or the kids to come to the funeral and uninvites us. Derrick has major crisis of self and marriage crisis. We find Jennifer Finlaysen-Fife and start the therapy needed to undo superiority, patriarchy, family enmeshment, validation seeking, toxic positivity, purity culture, modesty etc. We take a time out from Derrick’s family and try to fix our marriage. In the process we become differentiated. We grow ourselves up and learn how to self manage. We realize many sources of trouble with our kids and marriage are coming from our rigid belief system. This actually takes several years and a few more bad experiences with church.
We were given an assignment to be Ma and Pa at trek. My daughters did not want to come especially because they didn’t want to dress up in pantaloons and dresses to hike in. They said they would come if they could wear pants. So I raised my hand in a training meeting and asked if there was any flexibility with the women’s dress code. Hard no. So I wrote a letter and met with President Lindsay. I appealed to his inclusive side to make room for kids who did not fit in the box. Turns out he cared less about inclusion and more about me sustaining him as the stake president. He said that if women wore pants chaos would ensue. I asked if there was anything I could do to change his mind. He said he would only change the policy if an Angel came. So I told him I would pray for an angel. He took my letter to a meeting with 10 stake presidents. Then he changed the policy, and the kids were able to choose pants.
But if I wanted to go, I had to wear a dress to show my support for dictator, I mean, President Lindsey. He told me that I also needed to apologize publicly in front of all the leadership in the stake for derailing trek. I was astonished but willing to do anything as I had poured my heart into this change and had kids who I wanted to experience trek. I barely got through it, because my heart was breaking and my tears were flowing. I was learning that my voice did not count and did not have power in this patriarchal system. Religion makes good people do bad things like treat dissenting opinions especially from women like heresy. He burned me at the stake in front of our stake as a witch for influencing this positive change. I was amazed at this experience. He did not like my passion or tone or volume or body language although I thought I was respectful. I don’t know if he’d ever met a woman who would challenge his authority in this way. I began to realize that I had internalized sexism homophobia and racism. I started listening to podcasts galore to undo these infectious diseases inside of myself.
I like who I am as an ex-Mormon. I can love people better because I love myself better. I have more compassion for myself and others. I have changed how I orient to the “spirit”. I see my earnestness to do good and be good in the world as I used to see myself following promptings. I have discovered that all the miracles I was part of came from my own power and inner goodness or maybe even my inner god and amazing things continue to happen. Our families disapprove. We have been told that we are deceived by satan, that I am selfish for not staying and fighting, that we are ruining things for our kids and that we get our information from the wrong sources.
Parenting without religion as the guide is 100% improved. We spend our time with each other and our children. They get more of us than they would have because church took so much time. No more therapy after church, no more arguing about seminary no more judging our kids outfits. We even started swearing which I enjoy. At the end of each day I check in with myself to see if i respect who I was that day. If the answer is yes, I rest peacefully in my best efforts and try again the next day.
Mary
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