Mary

Castle Rock CO is where I grew up.  Mormon Mary was my identity.  I was president of everything (in young women’s and at the stake level-seminary council etc.).  I couldn’t find my people in high school because- thanks to my religion- I was better than all those party people who honestly did a lot of drugs.  I went to EFY when I was 16 and saw tall righteous good looking men and knew that was where I would go to college.  It was the only place I applied.  BYU or bust.  I had a 4.0 after all.  My mom made more money than my dad and was not given callings because she worked a lot.  She said that their marriage was fairly patriarchal until she started making money and then the power shifted in her marriage.  I went to byu knowing my family didn’t do life in the ideal way and so my brain was wide open to learn how to do it right.  I declared my major engineering and started college.  I listened to every devotional, religion teacher and general conference talk and quickly learned my place.  I was to be a wife and a mother.   I switched majors to family money management in the mfhd department and started my search for a man who could support the large family I was to have as a devoted member and a builder of the kingdom.  Derrick (the man of my dreams) fit the list.  Returned missionary righteous priesthood holder and of course number one on my list- tall.  We had similar goals and got engaged

Our engagement was traumatic.  We were so in love and were all over each other.  We were apart for 2 months and then when we got together we accidentally had oral sex.  Which was amazing but also terrible because we broke the law of chastity.  Being the extremely righteous people we were we ran to our bishop and tried to repent. Several traumatic things followed.

1. Derricks parents wanted us to tell his 5 younger siblings why we couldn’t get married in the temple anymore.  His little brother walked away and said “ I used to look up to you…”. Than we spent the night in the hospital because the stress caused me to get food stuck in my throat.  They were able to push it down with a scope in the emergency room.  
2. Derrick lost his favorite job teaching at the mtc.  Fortunately we did not get kicked out of byu as we were both almost finished.  
3. Disciplinary council for Derrick.  Castle rock bishop said go ahead and get married you repentant people, but byu bishop trumped him by saying that Derrick is under my stewardship.  So ensued the beating of Derrick for his sinful ways.  Council, no sacrament, no prayers, no callings etc.  you need to feel bad bad bad- god is so mad and sad at your behavior. In fact maybe Mary should have been a better gatekeeper- is she even wife material?  Someone who would do such an ungodly thing.  
4. The wedding itself was very stressful.  Derricks mom was very concerned that we were lying because invitations had gone out with the temple on them.  She suggested we call everyone and tell them we actually weren’t getting married in the temple after all.  We refused to do that, but it was awkward at our reception when loved ones asked how the temple was.  We were ashamed and embarrassed as we had lived our best righteous lives and had deeply hoped to be married in the temple.

Next we got pregnant on our 1 year anniversary which we interpreted as god rewarding us for being sealed in the temple.  Derrick went to dental school in Aurora and we bit off way more than we could chew, kid after kid after kid and callings galore.  We served our hearts out and made some great friends along the way.  However looking back to that time we both have major ptsd.  We did too much especially for church.

We moved to castle rock and continued to work hard and serve hard and have lots of babies.  My sister passed away in 2010 and we adopted her daughter along with having a baby.  We had her sealed in the temple which was followed by a bunch of weird comments about how she now belonged to us for eternity.  

I met Molly.  Molly was questioning the church and her desire to leave was growing.  She was the primary chorister and was trying to increase female representation in the songs being taught which I greatly respected and admired.  She helped me to start thinking more critically. Because of Molly I started opening my mind which was very rigid and devout.  Watching her in the primary room teaching on her last Sunday was heartbreaking- why were all the best people leaving?? And did we really want to know the answer?  Many of derricks home teaching people left.  We were so confused- how could they leave god and his church.  

Baby Charlotte dies of cancer.  2017- Derrick’s brother’s baby dies of cancer.  The family doesn’t want me or the kids to come to the funeral and uninvites us.  Derrick has major crisis of self and marriage crisis.  We find Jennifer Finlaysen fife and start the therapy needed to undo superiority, patriarchy, family enmeshment,  validation seeking, toxic positivity, purity culture, modesty etc.  We take a time out from derricks family and try to fix our marriage.  In the process we become differentiated.  We grow ourselves up and learn how to self manage.  We realize many sources of trouble with our kids and Marriage are coming from our rigid belief system.  This actually takes several years and a few more bad experiences with church.  

Trek- we were given an assignment to be ma and pa at trek.  My oldest daughter’s did not want to come especially because they didn’t want to dress up In pantaloons and dresses to hike in.  They said they would come if they could wear pants.  So I raised my hand in a training meeting and asked if there was any flexibility with the women’s dress code.  They called me that week and it was a hard no.  So I wrote a letter and met with President Lindsay.  I appealed to his inclusive side to make room for kids who did not fit in the checklist box.  Turns out he cared less about inclusion and more about sustaining him as the stake president.  He said that if women wore pants chaos would ensue.  I asked if there was anything I could do to change his mind.  He said he would only change the policy if an Angel came.  So I told him I would pray for an angel.  He ended up taking my letter to a meeting in southern co with 10 stake presidents.  1/2 thought mandate dress code, 1/2 thought encourage dress code.  He changed the policy, and the kids were able to choose pants, but if I wanted to go I had to wear a dress to show my support for dictator I mean president Lindsey.  He then came to my house for one more special meeting (keep in mind that I was very happy about the change). He told me that if I wanted to attend trek I needed to apologize publicly in front of all the leadership in the stake for derailing trek.  I was astonished and blackmailed but was willing to do anything as I had poured my heart into this change and had kids who I wanted to experience trek.  I told him to tell me exactly what he wanted me to say.  When I stood in front of that group of leaders, my voice wouldn’t work because I was self-betraying.  I barely got through it, but left quickly afterward because my heart was breaking and my tears were flowing.  I was learning that my voice did not count and did not have power in this patriarchal system.  Religion makes good people do bad things like treat dissenting opinions especially from women like heresy.  He burned me at the stake in front of our stake as a witch for influencing this positive change.  I was amazed at this experience.  He did not like my passion or tone or volume or body language although I thought I was respectful.  I don’t know if he’d ever met a woman who would challenge his authority in this way. 

I began to realize that I had internalized sexism homophobia and racism.  I started listening to podcasts galore to undo these infectious diseases inside of myself.  

I like who I am as an ex Mormon.  I can love people better because I love myself better.  I have more compassion for myself and others.  I have changed how I orient to the “spirit”. I see my earnestness to do good and be good in the world as I used to see myself following promptings.  I have discovered that all the miracles I was part of came from my own power and inner goodness or maybe even my inner god and amazing things continue to happen.  I don’t have an answer for every man that asketh anymore, and I am okay with that.  

My family and Derricks family disapprove and only see immodesty.  We have been told that we are deceived by satan, that I am selfish for not staying and fighting, that we are ruining things for our kids and that we get our information from the wrong sources.  

Parenting without religion as the guide is 100% improved.  We spend our time with each other and our children.  They get more of us than they would have because church took so much time.  No more therapy after church, no more arguing about seminary no more judging our kids outfits.  We even started swearing which I enjoy.

At the end of each day I check in with myself to see if i respect who I was that day.  If the answer is yes,  I rest peacefully in my best efforts and try again the next day.