Learning to trust myself has been a remarkable and unexpected blessing. I didn’t realize my ability to rely on my own feelings, intuition and opinions was always overshadowed by what the church taught I should do, feel or think.
I am finally getting to know the real me and I love her. I am learning to love myself so well, my trauma doesn't need to hide.
Peace of Mind
To what else have I gone? The greatest gift I’ve received from my decision to leave the church is the endless opportunities for discovery. The entire world is open to me to experience. Before, I would shy away from reading certain texts or going to certain places or spending time with certain people, worried that something I’d read or see would continue to chip away at my faith. Now, truth is something for me to define, something that is adaptable. The entire world is open for experience, to learn and grow from. There is always a new place to go, a new person to meet, and new beauty to enjoy.
It can be scary wondering what now when you deconstruct the faith you grew up in and/or had your identity tied to. For me and my family, we are happier. We live more abundantly. Outside the Church we can love each other and other humans more fully. We welcome diversity and differences. We have learned what makes us different is way more real than what makes us the same. People are broken but such is not bad. Outside the Church we have been able to be more vulnerable. More authentic. More real. And we make safe space for others to do the same. We show up. We lean in. And we try to be present each and every moment.
I was mentally out for three years before I resigned, and I have found amazing things since I've been out. I've found life, love, and happiness. I drink caffeine, I have a tattoo and a piercing. I don't worry so much about what others think, I don't have the herd mentality anymore. I do what I do for my benefit. It's easy to be a good person outside of the church: just be a good person because it feels good, that's all there is to it. I feel freed from the chains of the church and I am so much happier now than when I was in the church. It was a night and day difference.