About me

Questions about Mormons My Answers to Questions about Mormonism

^#Link to this answer of 'Why are you sharing your story?' by bethlundgreen Why are you sharing your story? See more answers about 'Why are you sharing your story?'

I want people to understand I left the church to save my life. The church was killing me, destroying me emotionally and mentally. Anyone who is sad for me is pointing their grief in the wrong direction. 

Religious shame controlled my life. I hid my faith transition for years but have found healing in talking about my experience. There is a lot of stigma around people who choose to leave. I’m proud I found the courage to live authentically. 

^#Link to this answer of 'What parts of Mormonism were harmful to you?' by bethlundgreen What parts of Mormonism were harmful to you? See more answers about 'What parts of Mormonism were harmful to you?'

To truly understand my Mormon experience, you have to know that I was raped by an older man when I was 16 years old, a traumatic and life altering event on it's own. I never told anyone (it's complicated) but soon afterwards, I learned a prophet, Spencer W. Kimball, taught that sexual assault victims (those who don't fight off their abuser) bear some responsibility for the sin and it's better to die defending your virtue than to live having lost it. Because I believed prophets spoke for God, when I learned my virtue was more valuable than my life, I believed it. I grew up believing that I was worthless and better off dead and every lesson on chastity reinforced this belief.

From a young age, I was taught my life's work, my purpose and fulfillment would come through marriage and family. It's statistically impossible for every Mormon woman who wants a temple marriage to have one and my failure to marry and have children left me feeling like my life was meaningless, devoid of value, and that I had failed spectacularly. I blamed myself for not being worthy or righteous enough for the blessings of marriage and family. I doubled down on my efforts to be 'perfect' so I could qualify for the life I was promised, that I could finally be worthy to have a happy life and make my god and family proud. When marriage and family still eluded me well into my 30s, I was consoled with 'I could be happy and blessed when I was dead'. This reinforced what I was taught in my youth, that my life had no value, that I was worthless and better off dead.

It's no surprise that after decades of feeling worthless and falling short of God's (and the church's and my family's) expectations of me, that I became extremely depressed and suicidal. I blamed myself. I had no choice but to blame myself because God and the church are perfect. Any failure, any unfulfilled blessing was because of my lack of faith and righteousness despite the fact that I never committed a single sin that required confession.

When I stopped dating Mormons because I ran out of options, I was shamed for lacking faith and for compromising my covenants and exaltation. But my options were to die, be lonely until I die, or try to find some portion of happiness. No matter what I did, I always seemed to be doing it wrong.

The Mormon church sells a plan of happiness but provides happiness to a select few and poisons the rest. When I say I left the church to save my life, I mean it. 

^#Link to this answer of 'What was transitioning out of Mormonism (or Orthodox Mormonism) like for you? What was most painful about it? What was most healing or joyful about the transition?' by bethlundgreen What was transitioning out of Mormonism (or Orthodox Mormonism) like for you? What was most painful about it? What was most healing or joyful about the transition? See more answers about 'What was transitioning out of Mormonism (or Orthodox Mormonism) like for you? What was most painful about it? What was most healing or joyful about the transition?'

I feel I have been lied to and feel deeply betrayed and hurt by the church. I feel much of my life has been stolen from me. The church prevented me from living the life I wanted for myself and accepting the reality of that is painful. 

Confronting these emotions caused intense grief and anger. I had to mourn the loss of my former life and culture and my identity as a member. I felt awful knowing I disappointed my family and how my choices impact their belief system about the eternal family. I worried I will be judged and disrespected by the people I love.

Finally being able to release all the shame I was holding has been incredible. I had carried it for so long I didn’t realize how heavy it had become. 

^#Link to this answer of 'How long was your struggle?' by bethlundgreen How long was your struggle? See more answers about 'How long was your struggle?'

My first faith crisis happened in 2000. I stopped fully believing around 2010, and disclosed my intent to leave church in 2020. I removed my name from church records in 2022.   

^#Link to this answer of 'If you have remained active or semi-active in the church as a non-believer or semi-believer, why do you remain active?' by bethlundgreen If you have remained active or semi-active in the church as a non-believer or semi-believer, why do you remain active? See more answers about 'If you have remained active or semi-active in the church as a non-believer or semi-believer, why do you remain active?'

After I realized I no longer believed the church was true, I spent several years fighting my faith transition, because I was afraid to admit it.

Accepting my disillusionment was heartbreaking.  The culture of fear and judgement the church instilled in me was so powerful and I slipped into a double life where I conducted my life outside church standards with some people and put on a façade of faithfulness with others. Neither version of myself was authentic but I was so afraid to be honest with myself and my community. I was too scared to admit what I believed for fear of judgement, fear of hurting people, and the fear of not knowing how to live my life fully outside Mormonism.

^#Link to this answer of 'Has your struggle improved since you left?' by bethlundgreen Has your struggle improved since you left? See more answers about 'Has your struggle improved since you left?'

After I disclosed my faith transition, my struggle grew immensely more difficult as I sorted out all the difficult emotions that brought. It also meant confronting my rape trauma, which because of religious shame, went untreated for nearly three decades. It took about a year to feel stabilized and another year to settle into the new normal. It feels like each year is just getting better and better.

^#Link to this answer of 'Are you happy?' by bethlundgreen Are you happy? See more answers about 'Are you happy?'

I’m happier and more at peace now than I have been in years. I feel more authentic and true to myself.  Living my life outside of the church didn’t bring any of the unhappiness I was taught or feared it would. Leaving the church made me realize the church limits happiness and joy to this one little box but there are so many ways to live a fulfilling, happy, purposeful and joyful life. I feel like my world has expanded and there is so much potential for love and happiness. It feels like a rainbow of joy exploded.

^#Link to this answer of 'What are the blessings of your faith transition?' by bethlundgreen What are the blessings of your faith transition? See more answers about 'What are the blessings of your faith transition?'

Learning to trust myself has been a remarkable and unexpected blessing. I didn’t realize my ability to rely on my own feelings, intuition and opinions was always overshadowed by what the church taught I should do, feel or think.

I am finally getting to know the real me and I love her. I am learning to love myself so well, my trauma doesn't need to hide.

^#Link to this answer of 'What resources have helped you through the process of leaving?' by bethlundgreen What resources have helped you through the process of leaving? See more answers about 'What resources have helped you through the process of leaving?'

I was fortunate that I was able to see a therapist to help guide me through the transition. I had been semi-active or inactive for a number of years before I disclosed my faith transition to others and I was completely blindsided by the fallout. I had no idea how unstable I would feel and how many complex emotions would arise.

My post Mormon friends, online and in real life, have been invaluable. The experience of leaving is fairly universal. They helped me feel like I wasn't alone, that my grief and anger were normal, that feeling like a stranger to yourself is part of the process. They truly mourned with me, sat with me in my pain, and offered unconditional love. Their support has been a lifeline.

^#Link to this answer of 'What do you believe now?' by bethlundgreen What do you believe now? See more answers about 'What do you believe now?'

I don’t subscribe to any belief system and consider myself to be an agnostic atheist. I believe in human kindness and treating others with love and respect. Leading with compassion and empathy are the values I use to guide my interactions with others. 

^#Link to this answer of 'How has your leaving Mormonism affected your family relationships, friendships, job, neighbor relationships, social life, etc.?' by bethlundgreen How has your leaving Mormonism affected your family relationships, friendships, job, neighbor relationships, social life, etc.? See more answers about 'How has your leaving Mormonism affected your family relationships, friendships, job, neighbor relationships, social life, etc.?'

Leaving Mormonism has been the best decision I’ve ever made, and I’m happier now than I’ve ever been, but I don’t think most Mormons are truly happy for me.

I am immensely grateful I have been able to maintain relationships with my family. This was very important to me. 

I do struggle to make peace that people in my life know how much pain the church caused me but they still support and defend the church. No one has said the church was wrong, that shouldn't have happened, you shouldn’t have been treated like that. It makes me feel like I don’t matter. I don’t know how to reconcile this. 

^#Link to this answer of 'What are your thoughts about leaving the church alone?' by bethlundgreen What are your thoughts about leaving the church alone? See more answers about 'What are your thoughts about leaving the church alone?'

How can you leave something alone after it dictated the course of your entire life? The church caused me a great deal of harm and when I speak about that and am told to “leave it alone” it’s dismissive and hurtful. The church is so much a part of who I am I don't think I'll ever be able to fully leave Mormonism behind me, but I am moving forward. 

^#Link to this answer of 'Were you offended? Is that why you left?' by bethlundgreen Were you offended? Is that why you left? See more answers about 'Were you offended? Is that why you left?'

As a childless and unmarried woman, I was treated poorly, often ignored in my wards. I felt invisible and worthless; that I brought no value to the church and that I was not needed. Yes, I was offended and it was painful but I remained in the church despite that mistreatment. I left when I no longer believed the church’s truth claims.  

^#Link to this answer of 'What advice would you give folks who are transitioning?' by bethlundgreen What advice would you give folks who are transitioning? See more answers about 'What advice would you give folks who are transitioning?'

The transition is painful. There will be a lot of grief and anger but those emotions do not mean the transition is wrong. 

^#Link to this answer of 'How do you now explain the spiritual experiences that you had as an Orthodox Mormon?' by bethlundgreen How do you now explain the spiritual experiences that you had as an Orthodox Mormon? See more answers about 'How do you now explain the spiritual experiences that you had as an Orthodox Mormon?'

Confirmation bias. I wanted to believe so I interpreted my feelings to validate what I wanted to believe. I was taught how to do this from a young age. Feelings are not facts. 

^#Link to this answer of 'What broke your shelf?' by bethlundgreen What broke your shelf? See more answers about 'What broke your shelf?'

Learning the true history of Joseph Smith. It started when I read a biography about Emma Smith that my orthodox parents owned. I was horrified by what I learned in that book. The evidence is overwhelming that he was a fraud, a liar and a sexual predator. He wasn’t who he claimed to be therefore the Book of Mormon is fraudulent and the entire foundation of the church and my testimony crumbled.