After I realized I no longer believed the church was true, I spent several years fighting my faith transition, because I was afraid to admit it.
Accepting my disillusionment was heartbreaking. The culture of fear and judgement the church instilled in me was so powerful and I slipped into a double life where I conducted my life outside church standards with some people and put on a façade of faithfulness with others. Neither version of myself was authentic but I was so afraid to be honest with myself and my community. I was too scared to admit what I believed for fear of judgement, fear of hurting people, and the fear of not knowing how to live my life fully outside Mormonism.