Spencer Was a Mormon, an Ex-Mormon Profile Spotlight

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Spencer grew up immersed in the Mormon faith, surrounded by the teachings and traditions that defined his childhood. Born into an intensely religious family in Michigan, he was the quintessential believer—faithful, devoted, and utterly convinced of the church’s truth. For him, the church was perfect, unchangeable, and divinely guided. He couldn’t imagine leaving.

But life has a way of challenging even the strongest convictions. A seemingly minor update to the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet—changing strict rules into mere recommendations—sparked his first questions. What was once enforced as unchangeable suddenly felt arbitrary. This initial doubt set Spencer on a path of deeper inquiry, leading to decisions that would ultimately change everything.

Today, Spencer is on the other side of that journey. His story is one of courage, loss, and discovery as he transitioned from a life of absolute certainty to one filled with freedom and possibility. Spencer’s reflections on faith, family, and the search for truth invite us to consider the beauty of questioning and the transformative power of embracing uncertainty.

"I was born into an extremely Mormon family and attended a small branch in Michigan for the first 17 years of my life. I didn’t have many friends who were Mormon but that didn’t stop me from believing as strongly as I could that this church was God’s perfect church. I was the last person you’d expect to leave the church. I blessed the sacrament every week. I genuinely enjoyed doing missionary work and tried to get my friends to come to activities. There was literally nothing more I could have done to believe harder. I said on multiple occasions, “I couldn’t leave the church even if I wanted to”. I was a Mormon." - Spencer's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/spendiggity144/
"My parents were very strict about the “no dating until 16” rule that was, at the time, clearly spelled out in the For the Strength of Youth Pamphlet. The first time I had a single doubt about whether or not the Mormon church was true was when the new For the Strength of Youth Pamphlet came out. In this new edition, they redid several sections completely. They now only “recommend” that you wait until 16 to start dating. So then what was it before? Was it doctrine? If I remember correctly you cannot change doctrine, and if this rule was not doctrine then what was it and why was it enforced? This led me to think about other things. Why is coffee off-limits? Why is swearing wrong? These things seem like small issues, and they are, but there were just too many tiny contradictions and loopholes that I decided to start researching the big things." - Spencer's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/spendiggity144/
"I finally realized that the difference between doctrine and policy is completely arbitrary and the General Authorities can really just say whatever they want with no consequences. So I kept investigating. The gospel topics essays are honestly what really forced me out. One thing that I’ve heard repeated so many times during my time in the church is the phrase, “Beyond our comprehension”. The church abuses this phrase. It is often used to cover up various pieces of history. Whenever there is a hole in the story it's just easily covered up by, “we don’t know”. There are core doctrines that are believed with absolutely no verification at all. All these people going up to give a testimony saying they “know for a certainty” that the church is true are just straight-up lying to themselves. We just don’t know, and there is no way for us to know. I personally choose to be comfortable with that uncertainty." - Spencer's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/spendiggity144/
"The central foundation of almost every believing member’s testimony is feeling the holy ghost. To be quite blunt about it, you aren't special. Everyone on the planet experiences this feeling. It’s some sort of feeling of cosmic ecstasy that everyone feels for some reason, or for no reason at all. I still feel it after I left the church. All of it, whatever it is, is purely psychological. It is only because of the culture that we interpret these experiences differently. The LDS church uses something not unique to the LDS church as proof that the LDS church is the one and only true church. I live the best life I can and I hope to be favored in whatever happens after this life. If I strive to be the best person I can be outside of the church and God punishes me for that, then that’s not a god I want to be worshiping anyway. If what the Mormons say about God is all true, then I hate the guy. God would never treat his children this way. If he did, then he is not the generous forgiving perfect god that I was taught he was. If God is real, I think I’m doing just fine." - Spencer's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/spendiggity144/
"I had been finding things out about the church and I was really struggling with my faith. I wanted so desperately to believe. The thought of living without the church left me feeling helpless and I would have given anything for it to be true. I got a strange feeling. You know the feeling when you are in a bad situation and the holy ghost tells you to avoid that and get out? Well, that’s the exact feeling that I got, against the church. The feeling didn’t go away. I couldn’t even pray without getting this unnerving feeling that something was seriously wrong with this religion. As soon as I began to consider, “What if I’m wrong”, it became so obvious. I had to get out. A few days later I told my parents what I was feeling. They were clearly upset but eventually decided that I was old enough to make my own decision and that they would treat me like an adult. That took a huge toll on the relationship with everyone in my family, and due to that, life became so hard for a few months after this big decision. The relationship with my family has since recovered. I know deep down they want me to come back, and deep down I wish that they would be able to see the world through my eyes. Life is so much more beautiful once you are out, and I wish there was a better way to communicate that to the people who are still stuck inside." - Spencer's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/spendiggity144/
"“Never take counsel from those who don’t believe” - Russel M. Nelson. This is actually a major reason for why I questioned the church so much. The treatment towards ex-Mormons is insane. The church dehumanizes you so much. Addressing the above quote from Nelson, how terrible is that? He claims that nothing we say can be trusted because we have seen information that didn’t come from the church. My own family has been advised against trusting me. That’s enough evidence right there that they are getting worried about keeping members. I would argue the exact opposite. Seek out the counsel of people who are against what you believe especially, so that way you actually are educated enough to make your own choice. Ah yes, a choice. There is no choice. They give you the illusion that there is one, but it's either you choose to believe and stay in the church, or you are wrong and you are a terrible person. Because of my different beliefs, I am not trusted. It’s dangerous to be spending time around me if you are Mormon because clearly my sole purpose in life is to drag people away from the church and ruin their lives." - Spencer's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/spendiggity144/
"Leaving the church is so unbelievably hard. I had my first existential crisis in my senior year. My family treated me differently. I didn’t have anyone to talk to either. I was the most alone I had ever felt in my life. I was so stressed about figuring out my future that I almost gave up on it completely. The months following my departure were the hardest in my life and I wish there was a way to make active members understand that. Instead, I’m just told that I’m a lazy learner and that all I needed to do was try harder, then I would still be in church. New converts rarely last more than a year. They’ll find out that the Disney version they were taught in the 3 weeks before their baptism wasn’t everything. As the world and internet grows, it gets harder and harder to hide the truth from the members. I have hope that one day everyone will leave. Then everyone will finally be free." - Spencer's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/spendiggity144/
"I’m still the same person I was when I was a member. I can’t help but tell people what I believe to be true. Life has so much more meaning once you leave. I don’t really know how, but knowing less makes what you do know, seem even better. The only thing I know for sure is this life, and I plan on using it to its full potential. I don’t know what comes next and yeah, it’s scary, yet more powerful than anything I experienced in the church. I’ve discovered that, by using philosophy alone, any religious claim can be argued back into ambiguity where it belongs. I’m not an atheist. If anything I’m Agnostic. There’s just as much of a chance that there’s nothing as there is that we just don’t know what it is. I choose to acknowledge that there may not be any meaning at all. Yet it doesn’t matter in the slightest. I like trees, rivers, mountains, animals and rocks. Those are cool. Trampolines are fun. There are those moments when it's been cold and cloudy for a while, then you walk outside on a 60-degree day and the warm sunlight hits your face and it’s the greatest feeling ever. Music is the single greatest human creation. Really any sort of art is amazing. People are fantastic. It’s fucking brilliant really. This is what I live for." - Spencer's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/spendiggity144/
"There are so many things we just don’t understand about this world and what’s beyond it. Not only do we not know, we can’t know. Something as abstract as an afterlife is not possible for the human mind to fully understand. There is no denying that we truly do not know anything. All that religion is doing is taking a guess. I respect that. We as humans have an innate desire to make sense of everything. Religion is just a way of fulfilling that desire. What I’m not okay with is a religion stating that they are the one and only truth and everyone else in the world is deceived. I would make the decision to leave millions of times again if given the chance because it’s one of the few choices I don’t regret making. I don’t need a god to tell me if something is good or not. Even if he’s real, I can see the beauty of life. I may not have a clear purpose in my life anymore and that thought was scary at first. If I left the church, where would I go? The answer: Anywhere. Everywhere even. I am not limited to anything now and I have the choice to experience it all. I can finally learn and live and see the world as it really is. An ethereal mystery, and it’s fucking beautiful." - Spencer's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/spendiggity144/
This is a spotlight on a profile shared at wasmormon.org. These are just the highlights, so please find the full story at https://wasmormon.org/profile/spendiggity144/. There are stories of Mormon faith journeys contributed by hundreds of users like you. Come check them out and consider sharing your own story at wasmormon.org!
“I had been finding things out about the church and I was really struggling with my faith. I wanted so desperately to believe. The thought of living without the church left me feeling helpless, but as soon as I began to consider, ‘What if I’m wrong,’ it became so obvious. I had to get out.” – Spencer

I was born into an extremely Mormon family and attended a small branch in Michigan for the first 17 years of my life. I didn’t have many friends who were Mormon but that didn’t stop me from believing as strongly as I could that this church was God’s perfect church. I was the last person you’d expect to leave the church. I blessed the sacrament every week. I genuinely enjoyed doing missionary work and tried to get my friends to come to activities. There was literally nothing more I could have done to believe harder. I said on multiple occasions, “I couldn’t leave the church even if I wanted to”. I was a Mormon.

My parents were very strict about the “no dating until 16” rule that was, at the time, clearly spelled out in the For the Strength of Youth Pamphlet. The first time I had a single doubt about whether or not the Mormon church was true was when the new For the Strength of Youth Pamphlet came out. In this new edition, they redid several sections completely. They now only “recommend” that you wait until 16 to start dating. So then what was it before? Was it doctrine? If I remember correctly you cannot change doctrine, and if this rule was not doctrine then what was it and why was it enforced? This led me to think about other things. Why is coffee off-limits? Why is swearing wrong? These things seem like small issues, and they are, but there were just too many tiny contradictions and loopholes that I decided to start researching the big things.

I finally realized that the difference between doctrine and policy is completely arbitrary and the General Authorities can really just say whatever they want with no consequences. So I kept investigating. The gospel topics essays are honestly what really forced me out. One thing that I’ve heard repeated so many times during my time in the church is the phrase, “Beyond our comprehension”. The church abuses this phrase. It is often used to cover up various pieces of history. Whenever there is a hole in the story it’s just easily covered up by, “we don’t know”. There are core doctrines that are believed with absolutely no verification at all. All these people going up to give a testimony saying they “know for a certainty” that the church is true are just straight-up lying to themselves. We just don’t know, and there is no way for us to know. I personally choose to be comfortable with that uncertainty.

The central foundation of almost every believing member’s testimony is feeling the holy ghost. To be quite blunt about it, you aren’t special. Everyone on the planet experiences this feeling. It’s some sort of feeling of cosmic ecstasy that everyone feels for some reason, or for no reason at all. I still feel it after I left the church. All of it, whatever it is, is purely psychological. It is only because of the culture that we interpret these experiences differently. The LDS church uses something not unique to the LDS church as proof that the LDS church is the one and only true church. I live the best life I can and I hope to be favored in whatever happens after this life. If I strive to be the best person I can be outside of the church and God punishes me for that, then that’s not a god I want to be worshiping anyway. If what the Mormons say about God is all true, then I hate the guy. God would never treat his children this way. If he did, then he is not the generous forgiving perfect god that I was taught he was. If God is real, I think I’m doing just fine.

I had been finding things out about the church and I was really struggling with my faith. I wanted so desperately to believe. The thought of living without the church left me feeling helpless and I would have given anything for it to be true. I got a strange feeling. You know the feeling when you are in a bad situation and the holy ghost tells you to avoid that and get out? Well, that’s the exact feeling that I got, against the church. The feeling didn’t go away. I couldn’t even pray without getting this unnerving feeling that something was seriously wrong with this religion. As soon as I began to consider, “What if I’m wrong”, it became so obvious. I had to get out. A few days later I told my parents what I was feeling. They were clearly upset but eventually decided that I was old enough to make my own decision and that they would treat me like an adult. That took a huge toll on the relationship with everyone in my family, and due to that, life became so hard for a few months after this big decision. The relationship with my family has since recovered. I know deep down they want me to come back, and deep down I wish that they would be able to see the world through my eyes. Life is so much more beautiful once you are out, and I wish there was a better way to communicate that to the people who are still stuck inside.

“Never take counsel from those who don’t believe” – Russel M. Nelson. This is actually a major reason for why I questioned the church so much. The treatment towards ex-Mormons is insane. The church dehumanizes you so much. Addressing the above quote from Nelson, how terrible is that? He claims that nothing we say can be trusted because we have seen information that didn’t come from the church. My own family has been advised against trusting me. That’s enough evidence right there that they are getting worried about keeping members. I would argue the exact opposite. Seek out the counsel of people who are against what you believe especially, so that way you actually are educated enough to make your own choice. Ah yes, a choice. There is no choice. They give you the illusion that there is one, but it’s either you choose to believe and stay in the church, or you are wrong and you are a terrible person. Because of my different beliefs, I am not trusted. It’s dangerous to be spending time around me if you are Mormon because clearly my sole purpose in life is to drag people away from the church and ruin their lives.

Leaving the church is so unbelievably hard. I had my first existential crisis in my senior year. My family treated me differently. I didn’t have anyone to talk to either. I was the most alone I had ever felt in my life. I was so stressed about figuring out my future that I almost gave up on it completely. The months following my departure were the hardest in my life and I wish there was a way to make active members understand that. Instead, I’m just told that I’m a lazy learner and that all I needed to do was try harder, then I would still be in church. New converts rarely last more than a year. They’ll find out that the Disney version they were taught in the 3 weeks before their baptism wasn’t everything. As the world and internet grows, it gets harder and harder to hide the truth from the members. I have hope that one day everyone will leave. Then everyone will finally be free.

I’m still the same person I was when I was a member. I can’t help but tell people what I believe to be true. Life has so much more meaning once you leave. I don’t really know how, but knowing less makes what you do know, seem even better. The only thing I know for sure is this life, and I plan on using it to its full potential. I don’t know what comes next and yeah, it’s scary, yet more powerful than anything I experienced in the church. I’ve discovered that, by using philosophy alone, any religious claim can be argued back into ambiguity where it belongs. I’m not an atheist. If anything I’m Agnostic. There’s just as much of a chance that there’s nothing as there is that we just don’t know what it is. I choose to acknowledge that there may not be any meaning at all. Yet it doesn’t matter in the slightest. I like trees, rivers, mountains, animals and rocks. Those are cool. Trampolines are fun. There are those moments when it’s been cold and cloudy for a while, then you walk outside on a 60-degree day and the warm sunlight hits your face and it’s the greatest feeling ever. Music is the single greatest human creation. Really any sort of art is amazing. People are fantastic. It’s fucking brilliant really. This is what I live for.

There are so many things we just don’t understand about this world and what’s beyond it. Not only do we not know, we can’t know. Something as abstract as an afterlife is not possible for the human mind to fully understand. There is no denying that we truly do not know anything. All that religion is doing is taking a guess. I respect that. We as humans have an innate desire to make sense of everything. Religion is just a way of fulfilling that desire. What I’m not okay with is a religion stating that they are the one and only truth and everyone else in the world is deceived. I would make the decision to leave millions of times again if given the chance because it’s one of the few choices I don’t regret making. I don’t need a god to tell me if something is good or not. Even if he’s real, I can see the beauty of life. I may not have a clear purpose in my life anymore and that thought was scary at first. If I left the church, where would I go? The answer: Anywhere. Everywhere even. I am not limited to anything now and I have the choice to experience it all. I can finally learn and live and see the world as it really is. An ethereal mystery, and it’s fucking beautiful.

Spencer

This is a spotlight on a profile shared at wasmormon.org. These are just the highlights, so please find the full story at https://wasmormon.org/profile/spendiggity144/. There are stories of Mormon faith journeys contributed by hundreds of users like you. Come check them out and consider sharing your own story at wasmormon.org!

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