One of the most common accusations levied against those who leave the Mormon Church is that we just “can’t leave it alone.”
It’s a phrase that gets tossed around in talks, in social media, and in conversations with believing family and friends. The idea is that if someone really didn’t believe anymore, they would just walk away quietly. But here’s the question: does the church extend that same courtesy?
The truth is, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints does not leave its former members—or even just the inactive ones—alone. In fact, it has an elaborate system for tracking them down, reengaging them, and updating their records. If you stop attending church, you don’t just fade into obscurity. You’re marked as “lost” or “inactive,” and that triggers an institutional response.
The church wants dissenters, reporters, and the government to leave them alone, the Mormon church famously does not leave anyone alone. They send tens of thousands of missionaries around the world every year to proselytize and bring people into the church. They keep records of anyone who has spoken to missionaries, and follow-up. Then, if you attend church or get baptized, they’ll count you among their numbers forever. They’ll have you on the list of members to check-in on. They’ll keep coming! Years later, when they reorganize the home teaching lists, or as it’s called today in Newspeak, Ministering, brothers and sisters will visit. The primary will deliver goodies to entice the kids.
The Mormon church is like the Eagles’ song, Hotel California.
You can check out any time you like
Hotel California, The Eagles
But you can never leave
The Search for the “Lost Sheep”
To be fair, this effort can be seen, at least on the surface, as a sincere attempt to rescue the “lost sheep.” Jesus told the parable of the shepherd leaving the ninety and nine to find the one. The church applies this principle quite literally. Local leaders—especially ward clerks and membership clerks—are instructed to locate and reestablish contact with anyone who has stopped attending. But the lengths they go to raise questions about privacy, consent, and respect for individual agency.
The Church’s Handbook of Instructions—an internal guide for leaders—outlines the process in detail. Clerks are encouraged to use whatever means necessary to locate members who have stopped attending. This includes:
- Contacting family members, neighbors, friends, and former roommates
- Contact known relatives in the area
- Contact the phone company’s information service
- Send a letter, and add the words Return Service Requested to the envelope. This instructs the USPS to not forward the mail, but return it to the sender with the forwarding address attached.
- Searching social media platforms and online directories
- Checking postal forwarding addresses
- Consulting obituaries and funeral records
- Looking up divorce filings and court documents
- Wedding announcements
- Professional associations
- Checking voter registration
- Criminal records
- Property tax records
- Newspaper articles
- District, Bankruptcy, and Appeal courts
As the list goes on, it begins to feel more like a private investigator checklist, at best, or at worst, a predatory stalker checklist.
Ward leaders, ministering brothers and sisters, and clerks obtain the new addresses of members as soon as they become aware that members intend to move out of the ward. The clerk moves the records to the new ward when the members actually move. Clerks may also request the records of members moving into their ward when the records have not been sent by the previous ward.
If a clerk cannot find out where members have moved, the record is moved to the Finding Lost Members list in LCR. Elders quorum and Relief Society leaders review this report regularly and use available resources to locate these members. Other ward council members or missionaries may assist.
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/general-handbook/33-records-and-reports?lang=eng#title_number23
The official church handbook recommends contacting neighbors or known associates and consulting available government or public sources. For most people outside the church—or even for many within—it’s startling to realize just how thorough this process can be.
The church expects members, especially ward clerks, to track down “inactive” church members and get them to come back. The clerks are responsible for making the church records accurate, and once they’ve checked enough attempts off, they can transfer records to an “unknown” list to get them off the ward records. This works sometimes, but often the members show up shortly after due to the church headquarters sending records to their last known congregation.
The church even provided a special “Sleuthing Form” for ward clerks to keep track of their efforts.
When members move from a ward, the ward clerk or membership clerk is responsible for making best efforts to find where the member has moved and send the record to the new ward…
While the results of search efforts may be passed from person to person by mouth, it may prove helpful during changes in leadership and other instances to have the search results documented and kept on file in the clerks office. A form can be used for documenting the results of a search (see this sample form, which also contains suggestions on where to search)…
Don’t forget to check the member’s MLS Individual Ordinance Summary to find the names and birthdates of parents, spouses, and children. If you can locate one of them they may give you the information you need. You can use this information to find obituaries for parents, which can help you locate the member’s city and perhaps their spouse’s name.
Reverse searches using just the street name without the house number can often show you that you just had the wrong house number, or provide you with contact information for relatives or at least former neighbors or new occupants of the house. Calling these people to ask if they know where so-and-so moved to is a lot easier than visiting in person. People might not be as open as they would in person, but it’s quick. You can always follow up in person if you need to.
LDS Tech Forum: Locating members, 2019
https://web.archive.org/web/20190812065839/https://tech.churchofjesuschrist.org/wiki/Locating_members/
When “Ministering” Becomes Stalking
It’s one thing to care about someone who has stepped away from a faith community. It’s another to launch a quiet investigation to track them down across multiple public records and online platforms. At some point, it stops looking like love and starts looking like surveillance or stalking.
For an organization that teaches free agency and personal choice as divine gifts, the Church’s surveillance-like behavior toward those who leave borders on predatory. At what point does “ministering” become stalking? When someone withdraws consent by ceasing communication or attendance, continuing to pursue them through public records, social media, and third-party inquiries mirrors patterns of unhealthy obsession. It’s not just intrusive—it’s a case study in institutional stalking. When the Church can’t take “no” for an answer, it reveals more about the institution’s control dynamics than its compassion.
In many cases, people leave because the church no longer aligns with their values, beliefs, or experiences. Yet the institution insists on maintaining a connection, however unwanted, until they’ve satisfied their bureaucratic checkboxes. This creates situations where people who have tried to leave quietly are continually contacted by missionaries, visited by home teachers (now “ministering brothers”), or tracked down by clerks just trying to clear their lists.
And if you’ve ever tried to formally remove your name from the records? You know the church doesn’t make that process easy either. Until you do, you’re considered a member—and subject to their outreach.
The Irony of It All
There’s a striking irony in the church’s messaging. They accuse those who speak out after leaving of being obsessed, bitter, or rebellious. But meanwhile, they’re expending enormous institutional energy to keep tabs on anyone who walks away.
If we can’t leave it alone, perhaps it’s because they won’t leave us alone.
Leave Us Alone
There are many reasons why people leave Mormonism, and there are just as many reasons why they may continue to speak about it after they go. But one thing is clear: the church’s ongoing efforts to track down former and inactive members don’t square with its plea for former members to simply disappear quietly.
It’s spiritual gaslighting at its finest: the Church judges those who leave as lazy, easily offended, or spiritually weak—“less valiant,” as some leaders have said—while simultaneously launching full-scale efforts to track them down like missing property. They brand apostates as bitter and obsessed, yet send missionaries uninvited to their doors, repeatedly and relentlessly, especially to anyone who’s ever spoken with them before. It’s religious solicitation pushed to the brink of harassment. The Church plays the victim, decrying those who speak out after leaving, all while acting as a persistent and unwelcome presence in the lives of those it supposedly mourns. If disillusioned members are criticized for not leaving the Church alone, it’s only fair to ask: When will the Church return the favor?
If the church truly wants apostates to “leave it alone,” it should consider doing the same.
How to Actually Leave the Mormon Church
If you’ve stopped attending but still find yourself receiving visits, calls, or letters, it’s because you’re still officially on the records. To remove your name from the church’s records, they require you to formally resign. The church makes this process intentionally difficult, but it can be done through services like QuitMormon.org, which helps individuals navigate the process for free. Once your resignation is processed, you are no longer considered a member, and the contact should legally cease.
Share Your Story at wasmormon.org
Your experience matters. If you’ve left the LDS Church—whether recently or long ago—and want to share your journey, we invite you to tell your story at wasmormon.org. This platform exists to amplify the voices of those who have walked away and to show that leaving is not an end, but often the beginning of a new, more authentic chapter. You’re not alone—and your story can help others feel less alone too.
More reading:
- How To Leave the Mormon Church
- QuitMormon Offers Free Legal Assistance For Mormons Who Want To Resign
- Leave The Church Alone? Would You Allow Others to Unknowingly Drink Poison?
- The Church Leaves the Term Mormon, But Can’t Leave it Alone
- Elder Maxwell Tells ExMormons to Go Bowling and Leave the Church Alone
- When Leaving the Church, Previous Knowledge Seems Foolish
- https://web.archive.org/web/20190812065839/https://tech.churchofjesuschrist.org/wiki/Locating_members/
- https://mylifebygogogoff.com/2019/12/why-ex-mormons-cant-leave-the-church-alone.html