When members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints leave the church, they are often met with oversimplified explanations from those who remain. The common refrain is that people leave for one of three reasons: they were offended, they wanted to sin, or they were simply lazy. This narrative is pervasive among both members and leaders. Elder David A. Bednar, for instance, fuels this assumption with his statement: “It ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me… To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.”
“A thing, an event or an expression may be offensive, but you and I can choose not to be offended,” said Elder Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve.
The newest apostle related that when he was a stake president he would visit less-active members with their bishops. During hundreds of such visits, he detected a common theme — “I was offended by ….”
“The bishop and I would listen intently and sincerely. One of us might next ask about their conversion to and testimony of the restored gospel. As we talked, eyes often were moist with tears as these good people recalled the confirming witness of the Holy Ghost and their prior spiritual experiences.”
Elder Bednar said he would then gently point out that because someone at Church offended them, they were denying themselves the sacrament, the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, the priesthood ordinances and the Holy Temple, “and you are leaving barriers that will impede the spiritual progress of your children, your children’s children and the generations that will follow.”
Church News, Taking offense is a matter of choice, Choosing to be offended deprives members of blessings of the gospel, 7 Oct 2006
https://www.thechurchnews.com/2006/10/7/23234180/taking-offense-is-a-matter-of-choice
David A. Bednar talks about being offended as a choice we make. He sets the stage that one of the main reasons an individual might leave the church is because they have been offended by someone else in their ward or congregation. The other popularly believed reasons someone would leave the church are because they are lazy, or they wanted to sin. While these reasons may be used in some cases, they are oversimplified reasons used to guilt struggling members into staying rather than to honestly and better understand those who leave.
I made hundreds and hundreds of such visits. Each individual, each family, each home, and each answer was different. Over the years, however, I detected a common theme in many of the answers to my questions… the recurring theme was: “I was offended by …”
I would say something like this. “Let me make sure I understand what has happened to you. Because someone at church offended you, you have not been blessed by the ordinance of the sacrament. You have withdrawn yourself from the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. Because someone at church offended you, you have cut yourself off from priesthood ordinances and the holy temple. You have discontinued your opportunity to serve others and to learn and grow. And you are leaving barriers that will impede the spiritual progress of your children, your children’s children, and the generations that will follow.” Many times people would think for a moment and then respond: “I have never thought about it that way.”
The bishop and I would then extend an invitation: “Dear friend, we are here today to counsel you that the time to stop being offended is now. Not only do we need you, but you need the blessings of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. Please come back—now.”
When we believe or say we have been offended, we usually mean we feel insulted, mistreated, snubbed, or disrespected. And certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean-spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.
Endowed with agency, you and I are agents, and we primarily are to act and not just be acted upon. To believe that someone or something can make us feel offended, angry, hurt, or bitter diminishes our moral agency and transforms us into objects to be acted upon. As agents, however, you and I have the power to act and to choose how we will respond to an offensive or hurtful situation.
In many instances, choosing to be offended is a symptom of a much deeper and more serious spiritual malady…
Thomas B. Marsh, the first President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles in this dispensation, elected to take offense over an issue as inconsequential as milk strippings…
You and I cannot control the intentions or behavior of other people. However, we do determine how we will act. Please remember that you and I are agents endowed with moral agency, and we can choose not to be offended.
One of the greatest indicators of our own spiritual maturity is revealed in how we respond to the weaknesses, the inexperience, and the potentially offensive actions of others. A thing, an event, or an expression may be offensive, but you and I can choose not to be offended.
Many of the individuals and families who most need to hear this message about choosing not to be offended are probably not participating with us in conference today. I suspect all of us are acquainted with members who are staying away from church because they have chosen to take offense—and who would be blessed by coming back.
Elder David A. Bednar, And Nothing Shall Offend Them, October 2006 General Conference
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2006/10/and-nothing-shall-offend-them?lang=eng
The reality of why people leave the church is much more complex. These reductive assumptions not only misrepresent why people leave the church, they also insulate members from understanding the real issues that cause someone to walk away. Instead of trying to empathize with the nuanced and often painful experiences that lead to faith deconstruction, many members fall back on these simple explanations, dismissing any deeper exploration. This mindset gives an easy out: they don’t have to grapple with difficult questions or offer compassion to those grieving the loss of their faith.
Sure, we’ve all been offended at times because people are human and make mistakes. But to assume that someone who genuinely believed in the gospel and eternal exaltation would simply stop worshipping God because they were “offended” is small-minded. It allows members to bypass the hard work of empathy, to avoid even trying to understand why someone might be struggling with their faith.
Many who leave are sent Elder Bednar’s talk by well-meaning members. But instead of helping, it causes more pain. We must understand the difference between being offended and being deeply wounded, and refusing to do so is choosing not to have empathy.
Please do not send this talk to struggling friends or family members. They’re trying their best. They aren’t “choosing” to be offended. Reinforcing this message only kicks people when they’re already down, and makes them feel like they’ve failed at one more thing. It’s just another burden to carry at a time when they need support, not judgment.
Elder Bednar’s statements focus on the idea that offense is entirely a matter of personal choice, a stance that raises several critical issues. While it’s true that we have agency in how we respond to situations, Bednar’s assertion that “it is impossible for another person to offend you” oversimplifies human emotions and relationships. People don’t exist in emotional isolation; we live in social environments where interactions with others can deeply affect us. Dismissing offense as merely a choice ignores the complex nature of emotional harm, especially when it comes from trusted individuals or institutions. This approach lacks empathy for those who may be legitimately hurt by others’ actions, words, or systemic injustices.
His claim that “choosing to be offended” is a sign of spiritual immaturity is particularly problematic. It creates a spiritual hierarchy where those who feel hurt or betrayed by others’ actions are viewed as weak or less developed. This view shifts responsibility away from those who cause harm, placing it squarely on the victim’s shoulders. It suggests that hurt feelings or emotional wounds are signs of personal failure rather than natural human responses to harm. In doing so, it invalidates the real pain people experience and stigmatizes those who feel offended as spiritually inferior.
The idea that “choosing to be offended” reflects a “spiritual malady” adds another layer of judgment. It implies that emotional hurt is not only a personal flaw but also a spiritual deficiency. Such rhetoric can be damaging to those already struggling with difficult experiences, as it labels them not only as emotionally weak but also spiritually sick. This mindset can discourage open discussion of valid concerns or grievances within the church, as members may fear being seen as spiritually lacking if they voice their hurt.
These statements also overlook the fact that not all offenses are trivial or easily dismissed. For many who leave the church or struggle with their faith, their concerns are not petty grievances but deeply rooted in theological, historical, or personal issues. To frame those experiences as mere “offense” reduces complex struggles to simple, dismissive terms. Should members not be offended when they discover that the church they believed in has manipulated them and lied to them? This is beyond offense!
While the idea of not letting offense dictate our lives is helpful in some contexts, Bednar’s framing minimizes legitimate emotional responses and shifts the burden of responsibility from those who offend to those who feel hurt. It fosters a culture where empathy and accountability are sidelined in favor of maintaining a superficial sense of spiritual maturity.
Were you offended? Have you left the church? Is that why you left the church? There aren’t any “wrong” reasons to leave the church, but they do tend to want to simplify these situations. It insulates the members from having to think about the real reasons someone leaves and is an effort to keep the real issues from spreading to others. What were your real reasons? Consider sharing your own “I was a Mormon” story, and tell about your faith crisis and deconstructing your testimony at wasmormon.org today!
More reading:
- https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2006/10/and-nothing-shall-offend-them
- https://www.thechurchnews.com/2006/10/7/23234180/taking-offense-is-a-matter-of-choice
- https://thirdhour.org/blog/life/being-offended-is-a-choice-as-cop-out/
- https://bycommonconsent.com/2023/09/23/were-you-offended-or-were-you-injured/
- https://www.reddit.com/r/latterdaysaints/comments/mpv2xy/to_be_offended_is_a_choice_we_make_it_is_not_a/