Meet Brian, an engineer and pianist with a realist’s perspective on life. Despite his early involvement in the church, Brian always felt like he didn’t belong. Brian’s faith wavered when he discovered inconsistencies and historical issues within Mormonism. His belief in Occam’s Razor led him to question the origins of the Book of Mormon, ultimately breaking his faith. This crisis, though painful, transformed his outlook on life and strengthened his critical thinking. Now an agnostic-atheist, Brian values self-love and authenticity. Despite the loneliness that sometimes accompanies leaving the church, he remains committed to helping others, especially those still within the faith.
I like playing the piano and making music. I’m an engineer and a realist. My parents split up when I was quite young. Searching for a father figure for me, my mom converted to the church when I was 6. I was a Mormon.
A single mother and her only child stand out in a church full of nuclear families with multiple kids. At the same time, our mormon status distanced us from our fellow Filipinos. I had a year or two to look forward to being baptized, and went on to receive the Aaronic and Melchezidek Priesthoods. I planned to go on a mission and later attend university at BYU, but neither of those panned out due to financial troubles. I never felt like I truly belonged anywhere.
I was always a shitty mormon; told the Bishop I didn’t masturbate even though I did. Didn’t attend the Boy Scouts. Never went on any treks, never visited the temple, never got my patriarchal blessing. I suppose it was this juvenile feeling of not having a place to belong that made discovering the CESLetter such an easy thing for me. I’ve always believed in Occam’s Razor; the simplest answer is likely the correct one.
Did Joseph Smith really divinely receive and translate the Book of Mormon, or did he get the idea from elsewhere? In particular, finding out the similarities between Book of Mormon place names and modern New England place names, and also discovering the View of the Hebrews, cemented the idea in my mind that the Book of Mormon isn’t original. Of all things, it was the discovery of the small African island nation of Comoros (formerly Camorah) and its capital city of Moroni that broke my shelf.
Having a faith crisis has also completely changed how I view all things that enter my life. I doubt everything, and critically consider any new opportunities that arise. Having something whose truth I held so strongly be destroyed was one of the most painful things I’ve ever had to go through, and I highly recommend it to everyone.
I hated myself a lot more back when I was mormon. I had many self-esteem issues thanks to my feelings of inadequacy when it came to spiritual matters. I’ve come to terms with the church’s affect on my formative years, and consider myself to be “post-mormon” now. I’ve learned to love myself, but the lack of a mormon “tribe” to be there and help out, combined with a rather small family has made an already lonely life harder, but I wouldn’t take it back for anything.
Why don’t I leave the mormon church alone? Because there are people I love still in it. I watch them spend their free time and money on what I consider a greedy corporation, pursuing ordinances that I’m convinced are meaningless and I want to free them from the shackles they don’t even know they have on.
I’m an agnostic-atheist now. I don’t know whether or not there is some “intelligence” that’s responsible for the creation of the universe, but I’m not convinced by any of the creation theories put out by any religions. Whatever this intelligence may be, I don’t think it made the human race in its image, nor do I think it cares about whether I drink tea.
Brian
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