Madison Was a Mormon, an Ex-Mormon Profile Spotlight

Madison found she always had questions, but was forced to them off. She told herself, that she’d “figure it out later.” She did figure it out eventually through her experiences in the church and the temple to know that the church is not true. She felt connected to diety and felt confirmation that she was loved, but that the church was not what it claimed to be.

I was born and raised in the LDS church. I was part of an active family, always held callings, went to activities and seminary, and read my scriptures. I’m a mom who loves cooking and philosophy. I was a Mormon.

There were always a few questions I had as a believing member but I put them off and just told myself I’d figure it out later.

While in my late teens my mother said some thing odd like, “Well, the Mormon church is a cult by definition, but that’s OK this is God’s plan.” I’m not even sure what was brought up to make her say that.

I had seen and read a few whispers of what the temple rituals were like but I never allowed myself to look into it deeper. Even to the point where I did not want to take the temple prep classes before getting married. I figured that it was taken out of context or fabricated “anti-mormon” content. To my uncomfortable disappointment, I discovered that it was all true: the naked anointing, the handshakes, the Adam and Eve story as fact, the Masonic clothing, the secret names – it was exactly what I feared. I never returned to the temple but I did my best to stay in the church for my family for five more years.

I was the Relief Society secretary for a while until I found out how much the presidency gossiped and withheld food orders from members simply for not liking them personally. I went to one of the church’s entrepreneur business classes but it was so rigid and focused on paying tithing I could not go back.

My activity was less and less until I had my daughter. And I knew almost instantly that I would never set foot in a Mormon church again. How could I force onto her the shame I’ve held onto my whole life? This perfect little girl was my responsibility, my body grew her, gave her life.

If there was some divine power out there it was female. I prayed to a Heavenly Mother just one time, please please help me! Is this church true or not? I have to know, I have to know now. And the feeling I got was that She said no. No it’s not true, and I’m you, I’m your daughter, and I’m love. I gave my daughter a baby blessing a few months later.


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