Teddi chipped away on her Mormon checklist, repented when guilt and shame told her she needed to, and thought that without the rules and teachings of the church, she wouldn’t be happy. Over time she found herself disillusioned from the church, and still happy. She recognizes there is still healing on the other side, but also that she now has inner peace she always sought, but never found in the faith. She’s happy to be living according to her own values rather than living the script she was handed as a Mormon.
As most members of the mormon church, I participated in ‘volunteer’ positions since I was a teenager. I taught Sunday School, Relief Society, and Young Women, and I particularly liked teaching Gospel Doctrine classes. When I was 20, I went on a mission. I year later, I married in the Payson Temple. I almost made it through the mormon life checklist!
I sincerely believed the Mormon theology. I had experiences that made me feel I knew it was true. I did all the ‘should’s’ and avoided the ‘shouldn’t’s’. If I did a shouldn’t, I felt guilt and shame and would repent.
Today, my life is worlds different than I dreamed it could be (in the best ways). I wouldn’t have been able to dream up a marriage and life outside the “temple marriage” structure I saw my whole life. I thought if I stopped living the teachings and rules, my life would fall apart, and I’d never be happy again.
Becoming disillusioned was painful. I consider myself extraordinarily lucky to have my spouse and my family be with me through the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Healing is ongoing, and yet, I have the peace I yearned for that faith never afforded me.
The world is big and new. Somedays, it can be a little scary out of the mormon bubble- but I am so glad to be living life according to the dictates of my conscience. I’m so glad I can act and live congruent with my values.
Teddi
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