Trust Us—We Don’t Know: Dallin H. Oaks, Polygamy, and the Promise of Mormon Heaven

In a 2019 talk, Dallin H. Oaks—apostle and current First Counselor in the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints—responded to a question that hits at the heart of the legacy peculiar Mormon doctrine of plural marriage, especially for women today: If a woman marries a widower sealed to his first wife, will she have to share a celestial home with him and the first wife in the afterlife?

His answer? “Trust in the Lord,” i.e., “Trust Me” and a simultaneous “I don’t know,” or at least an “I don’t want to tell you.”

A letter I received some time ago introduces the subject of my talk. The writer was contemplating a temple marriage to a man whose eternal companion had died. She would be a second wife. She asked this question: would she be able to have her own house in the next life, or would she have to live with her husband and his first wife? I just told her to trust the Lord.

I continue with an experience I heard from a valued associate, which I share with his permission. After the death of his beloved wife and the mother of his children, a father remarried. Some grown children strongly objected to the remarriage and sought the counsel of a close relative who was a respected Church leader. After hearing the reasons for their objections, which focused on conditions and relationships in the spirit world or in the kingdoms of glory that follow the Final Judgment, this leader said: “You are worried about the wrong things. You should be worried about whether you will get to those places. Concentrate on that. If you get there, all of it will be more wonderful than you can imagine.”

What a comforting teaching! Trust in the Lord!

Dallin H. Oaks, Trust in the Lord, October 2019 General Conference
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/10/17oaks

At first glance, this may seem like a humble, faith-filled response. But this seemingly comforting reply is more revealing than Oaks likely intended. Behind the question is a deeper anxiety rooted in Mormonism’s history of plural marriage—a practice the Church publicly abandoned in 1890, yet continues to support doctrinally through its scripture and sealing policies.

Let’s be clear: this question didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s based on current LDS doctrine. Section 132 of the Doctrine and Covenants—still canonized as scripture—outlines celestial marriage and explicitly teaches the necessity and eternal nature of polygamy. Men, even today, can be sealed to more than one wife “for time and all eternity.” In fact, Dallin H. Oaks himself is sealed to two women. His late first wife, June, passed away in July 1998, and he married his current wife, Kristen, just 2 years later in August 2000 (she was 52 and he was 68). According to Mormon theology, this makes him a future and eternal celestial polygamist.

So when a woman asks whether she’ll have to live in the next life as a “second wife,” Oaks is answering a question that hits close to home—literally. But instead of addressing the implications of LDS doctrine directly, which he must have considered, he diverts the question entirely. He gives a non-answer.

So, what about a question like I mentioned earlier about where spirits live? If that question seems strange or trivial to you, consider many of your own questions, or even those you have been tempted to answer on the basis of something you heard from another person sometime in the past. For all questions about the spirit world, I suggest two answers. First, remember that God loves His children and will surely do what is best for each of us. Second, remember this familiar Bible teaching, which has been most helpful to me on a multitude of unanswered questions: “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths” (Proverbs 3:5–6). Similarly, Nephi concluded his great psalm with these words: “O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh” (2 Nephi 4:34).

We can all wonder privately about circumstances in the spirit world or even discuss these or other unanswered questions in family or other intimate settings. But let us not teach or use as official doctrine what does not meet the standards of official doctrine. To do so does not further the work of the Lord and may even discourage individuals from seeking their own comfort or edification through the personal revelation the Lord’s plan provides for each of us. Excessive reliance on personal teachings or speculations may even draw us aside from concentrating on learning and efforts that will further our understanding and help us go forward on the covenant path.

Trust in the Lord is a familiar and true teaching in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. That was Joseph Smith’s teaching when the early Saints experienced severe persecutions and seemingly insurmountable obstacles. That is still the best principle we can use when our efforts to learn or our attempts to find comfort encounter obstacles in matters not yet revealed or not adopted as the official doctrine of the Church.

That same principle applies to unanswered questions about sealings in the next life or desired readjustments because of events or transgressions in mortality. There is so much we do not know that our only sure reliance is to trust in the Lord and His love for His children.

Dallin H. Oaks, Trust in the Lord, October 2019 General Conference
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2019/10/17oaks

This response reframes concern as disobedience and curiosity as distraction. It does not clarify doctrine—it shames the questioner. This rhetorical sleight-of-hand is common in Mormon leadership: if members ask difficult questions, they’re told they’re not faithful enough, not humble enough, or not focusing on what matters. It’s a form of spiritual gaslighting.

But who sets the standards of official doctrine? It’s not the individual members. It’s Church leaders. And yet these leaders claim they don’t know the answers. They plead ignorance while asking for absolute loyalty and trust. It’s a paradox. We are told to “trust in the Lord,” but in practice, that means trusting them—even when they admit they don’t have answers.

So why maintain leaders who offer no clear doctrine, who admit they don’t know God’s will on essential topics, and who shut down sincere questions by telling people to “just have faith”? If they don’t know, how and why are they leading the church?

Oaks says, “Trust in the Lord” is what Joseph Smith taught. That’s ironic, because Joseph Smith used this very logic to manipulate women into plural marriages. He claimed that God would destroy him—and them—if they didn’t accept his proposals. He offered eternal salvation for them and their families if they married him, secretly, behind the backs of their families and his own wife.

He justified it all by invoking divine authority—authority which conveniently couldn’t be verified in this life but came with promises of eternal glory. Oaks is doing the same thing here: dangling carrots of eternal rewards in front of people, while refusing to give straight answers, and urging them to sacrifice their concerns in the name of faith.

This is the essence of the Mormon system: comply now, sacrifice now, pay now—for blessings you can only cash in after you die. And if you ask questions about the fine print? You’re the problem. You just need to trust more.

What kind of trust is that? When leadership claims to be prophets, seers, and revelators—yet deflects, dismisses, and dodges questions—maybe the problem isn’t the questioner. Maybe it’s the system that asks for total obedience in exchange for eternal mysteries it refuses to clarify.

So yes, Sister “Second Wife,” your question matters. You deserve a real answer, not a celestial bait-and-switch. If the Church insists on maintaining Section 132 and sealing men to multiple women, it owes women the truth about what that means. Until then, all the “trust in the Lord” in the world won’t fix the doctrinal doublethink and newspeak, the manipulative deflections, or the theological house of cards the Church continues to prop up.

If you’ve wrestled with these kinds of questions—about plural marriage, eternal families, or the unsettling silence from leaders who claim divine authority—you’re not alone. Many have felt confused, dismissed, or spiritually manipulated by the Church’s vague answers and shifting doctrines. At wasmormon.org, we believe your story matters. Sharing your experience can bring clarity to others who are questioning and healing. If you’ve struggled with the Church’s teachings on polygamy or felt brushed aside by the “just trust” approach, we invite you to add your voice and tell your story. Help others see they’re not the only ones asking hard questions and being sidelined

• Dallin H. Oaks, Trust in the Lord, October 2019 General Conference
• A Fig For Polygamy?