Meet Ian, a talented musician, devoted friend, and courageous soldier. Raised in a loving Mormon family, Ian navigated the complexities of faith and personal identity with remarkable resilience. Ian’s faith began to waver after his parents’ divorce, leading him to question church teachings and seek answers that never came. His doubts intensified as he encountered contradictions in the scriptures and church doctrine. The tipping point was discovering the CES Letter, which challenged everything he had been taught. His journey, marked by profound questioning and a steadfast pursuit of truth, led him to embrace atheism and continue to support his loved ones with unwavering loyalty. Ian’s courage in confronting difficult truths and his commitment to those he cares about exemplify his strength of character and dedication to living authentically.
I am a musician and a friend to many. I was born and raised in the church to loving parents, that I can’t deny and never would. I am a Soldier. I am the atheist in the foxhole they claim doesn’t exist. I was a Mormon.
I had the standard Mormon life: church, Boy Scouts, growing and young family. However, at age 9 my parents decided to get a divorce and to this day I do not know all of the reasons, but I know part of it was my mom’s disillusionment with the Church. She left the church very soon after the divorce, and mine and my 3 siblings lives were thrown into turmoil. Growing up with two homes to live between, especially as the oldest, was difficult.
At times I feel I matured quickly, though I know I probably didn’t, as I had to be a rock for my siblings. Eventually we settled into our new life, and we grew up as normally as we could. I had taken up music as a Cellist just after the divorce and it proved to be an outlet I needed, and continues to be to this day. Years passed and at the age of 19, partially to avoid going on a mission and avoid repercussions from recently leaving the church, but mostly because I always wanted to, I joined the United States Army as an infantryman, and nearly 4 years later I still am.
Initially, my struggles with the church started with the divorce. I blamed myself for it, even though I know I had no part in it, but even still it hurt me. I prayed every day and night asking for my family to be fixed and for Him to forgive me for whatever I’d done to make this happen. Years and years passed and I had no answers and only more questions had joined the fray. Why can I not drink coffee? Why can’t I have sex until I’m married? Simple questions a preteen would have with a growing mind.
However, soon enough these questions grew to larger questions. Why can’t I see you God? Why haven’t you spoken to me? Why do you allow suffering? I delved into the scriptures, desperately looking for answers, but what I found was more troubling. Contradicting teachings everywhere I looked, strange beliefs and statements. This couldn’t be right, so I watched Conference talks as much as I could. But something stuck with me from one, he said to “doubt your doubts,” look not to the world but only church approved teachings. This struck me as strange, why should I avoid the worldly teachings if they’re so obviously false? Besides, if I couldn’t find answers within the church, where else would I look but outside of it?
That’s when I found the CES Letter. It flipped everything I knew upside down and tore it to shreds. For those who have read it, I’m sure you know why. So many falsehoods and lies the church taught me since childhood, I couldn’t believe it. I had to find more. And so I did. My shelf crumbled at the age of 16 or 17 and I stayed a closeted atheist for nearly that whole time, waiting for the right time to announce my unbelief to the world. The right time would come soon, though.
During this time, my younger brother had delved deeper into the scripture as well, becoming even more devout than ever. He studied and made notes every night, prayed and discussed with my grandpa, who was in the bishopric. He was the star Mormon teenage boy. And then suddenly he publicly announced he was an atheist and despised the church and all it stood for. This took me by complete surprise, and what surprised me even more was the reaction of those we knew. The responses he got were vile, telling him he’d burn forever, saying he was possessed by the spirit of the devil, saying he had no right to make that choice as he was still a minor. He became depressed and withdrew from all of us. This was the time, I felt.
Less than two months later, I announced my own atheism, and my subsequent leaving of the church. The response was the same. I lost many friends in an instant. But I chose that time to show my brother he was not alone, that I’d had the same thoughts and conclusions he had. I wanted him to know it, and this was my way of showing him. I’m now closer to him than ever. Six months later, I shipped off to basic training, avoiding much of the fallout of my falling away, which took a lot of the flak off of my brothers back. Now, 4 years later on, all of my siblings have stated to me their disillusionment with the church and their desire to abandon it.
Surprisingly, my aunt and uncle and their 4 children have also left the church. I only found this out recently, and it blindsided me as my aunt especially was so deeply involved in the church, but she couldn’t look past the skeletons in the church’s closet. It makes me happy to know they’ve come to their senses. I only hope that more of my family will do the same and leave this destructive cult.
Ian
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