Losing one’s testimony is a tragedy. This phrase has a double meaning. It is said by faithful members who mourn for the loss of a fellow member. The so-called defeat or weakness of someone else who will now be discarded as chaff from the wheat. It also means the experience of the individual losing the testimony is hard. It’s true more so for the individual than for the organization or the others.
A testimony is a personal thing. It is someone’s own deeply held beliefs. They put faith and trust in an organization. One does not easily leave the church, it is deeply embedded into every facet of life and thinking and personal identity. Our personal identity and value can even be tied to our faithfulness.
There is a level of grief we all suffer when reconciling the loss of a testimony. The individual experiences it as well as their loved ones and friends in the community. This grief has been studied by psychologists and we now have an understanding of these “stages of grief.”
Stages of Grief
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (1926–2004) was a Swiss-American psychiatrist, best known for her groundbreaking work on grief and loss. She introduced the Five Stages of Grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, which revolutionized how we understand and process loss. Her research was originally focused on terminally ill patients but has since been widely applied to various forms of grief, including the loss of faith, relationships, and identity. Kübler-Ross’s work helped normalize conversations about death and grief, shaping modern hospice care and psychology.
While the stages of grief were originally intended to describe how people process the death of a loved one, grief is not limited to physical loss—it can also apply to any deep, personal loss, including the loss of a cherished belief system. For those leaving Mormonism, the loss can feel profound. It’s not just about changing beliefs—it’s about losing certainty, community, identity, and sometimes even relationships. This is why many who leave the church experience the same emotional cycles as those mourning a death. Recognizing this grief as a natural response to loss can be validating. Just like with other losses, healing takes time, and it’s okay to revisit different stages before reaching acceptance and peace.
Losing one’s faith can be a deeply emotional and transformative experience, often mirroring the Stages of Grief as originally outlined by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Here’s how these stages may manifest in a faith crisis or deconstruction:
- Denial – “This can’t be true.”
- You resist troubling information about your faith, dismissing it as anti-religious lies or misunderstanding.
- You double down on belief, hoping doubts will fade.
- Anger – “How could they deceive me?”
- Frustration at church leaders, doctrine, or loved ones who reinforced beliefs you now question.
- Anger at yourself for not seeing the issues sooner.
- Bargaining – “Maybe I can make this work.”
- Trying to reinterpret beliefs to make them fit new information.
- Attempting to stay in the church in a nuanced way or looking for alternative explanations.
- Depression – “Everything I believed was a lie. What now?”
- A deep sense of loss, mourning the faith, identity, and community that once provided security.
- Fear of losing relationships with believing family and friends.
- Acceptance – “I don’t need certainty to find meaning.”
- Finding peace in a new identity outside of your former faith.
- Exploring personal values, spirituality, or a secular worldview with newfound freedom.
Some also experience an additional stage of Growth—using their faith transition as a catalyst for personal development, deeper relationships, and greater empathy for others in similar journeys. Those who feel this may even consider their grief to be a gift now.
The Stages Are Messy
This process isn’t linear, and many revisit stages before fully healing. But, with time, leaving faith behind can lead to an empowered, authentic life.
Grief is different for every person, so you may begin coping with loss in the bargaining stage and find yourself in anger or denial next. You may remain for months in one of the five stages but skip others entirely.
Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s famous five stages of grief may help us to name our feelings and experiences inside of grief, but they were never meant to be a step-by-step prescription for how to move forward. The “stages” originated from Dr. Ross’ observations of the experiences of terminally ill patients. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance reflect how people tend to cope with the reality of death and dying. They were never intended to offer a roadmap for grief.
“There are really only two stages of grief, … who you were before and who you are after.” – Ted Rynearson
Speaking Grief, Documentary – Understanding Grief
https://speakinggrief.org/get-better-at-grief/understanding-grief/no-step-by-step-process
Though understanding the concept of these stages helps, we must remember that the stages are not a roadmap, and everyone’s experience will vary. Everyone is in a different situation and has unique thoughts and issues they face when their testimony shatters. Leaving the church often means more than just a shift in personal beliefs—it can deeply impact family relationships, social identity, and even a sense of purpose. Because of the strong enmeshment in Mormon families, where faith is intertwined with nearly every aspect of life, many who leave find themselves cycling through these stages multiple times.
Unlike a singular event like the death of a loved one, faith transition in a high-demand religion is often an ongoing process. Family gatherings, ward interactions, or even simple conversations can repeatedly bring unresolved emotions back to the surface.
- Denial might resurface when loved ones insist that you’ll return to the fold.
- Anger can flare up when family members bear testimony at you or dismiss your concerns.
- Bargaining may return when trying to maintain peace by setting boundaries that are constantly tested by well-meaning TBM family members.
- Depression can be rekindled by feelings of isolation, guilt, or longing for past community ties.
- Acceptance might come and go as new challenges arise—such as raising children outside the faith or navigating family relationships.
Because Mormonism is not just a belief system but a defining culture, reminders of what was lost (or what is still at stake) can continually reopen wounds. This is why many ex-Mormons find that grief over their faith transition is not linear—it’s cyclical, with emotions resurfacing whenever relationships, traditions, or identity conflicts bring old struggles back into focus.
Ironically, the church manual offers guidance to Bishops and others in how to minister people through grief and loss. If only the church could see the similarities between a loss of faith and the loss they discuss here.
Those who mourn need time to grieve their losses, and they need supportive friends and family to be with them through that experience. The amount of time needed for grief to run its natural, healthy course varies from person to person, depending on several factors. Was the loss sudden or agonizingly anticipated? In the case of death, how emotionally close was the mourner to the deceased? How much did the person depend on who or what was lost? These and other elements increase our understanding of how to help someone who is grieving.
Some people might need to avoid things that remind them of their loss, while others might find comfort in memories. Some might need time away before they feel able to socialize or attend church meetings and activities, while others might crave social connection immediately. Everyone is different, and individual paths forward will vary…
Most people pass through five emotional stages when they grieve: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and adjustment. These can occur in any order, and some may be skipped or may be repeated more than once. Each stage in the grieving process may require a different approach by those who minister…
Remember to be sensitive. Some well-intended statements may not be perceived as empathetic to those who are grieving… Help the person get professional help if necessary. Grief can be a complicated emotion, and someone who is grieving may need help from a professional.
LDS Church: Handbooks: Counseling Resources: Grief and Loss
https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/counseling-resources/grief-and-loss
What would it be like if church members recognized the grief those suffering a faith crisis faced? They could respond with empathy rather than assuming they are simply lazy, just want to sin, or were offended.
Acceptance, Integration, and Growth After Leaving Mormonism
Reaching acceptance in the faith transition process doesn’t mean the pain or grief disappears—it means finding a way to integrate your past beliefs and experiences into a new, authentic life. It’s about moving beyond loss and reclaiming your personal identity, values, and sense of purpose.
What Does Acceptance Look Like
- Feeling at peace with your decision, even if challenges arise.
- No longer needing external validation or feeling the urge to defend your choices.
- Releasing resentment and shifting focus from what was lost to what has been gained.
- Redefining relationships on your terms, setting healthy boundaries, and embracing mutual respect where possible.
- Finding meaning and joy in personal growth, new experiences, and self-discovery.
How to Move Forward and Find Peace
- Redefine Your Identity
- Without the LDS framework dictating your life’s purpose, explore who you are beyond the church.
- Ask yourself: What do I truly believe? What brings me fulfillment? What kind of life do I want to build?
- Seek Community and Connection
- Find like-minded people who understand your journey (Ex-Mormon groups, secular communities, interfaith discussions).
- Reconnect with old friends or family outside the church or build new social circles.
- Heal and Reframe Your Past
- Instead of seeing your Mormon past as wasted time, recognize that it shaped who you are—and you have the power to carry forward what was good and leave the rest.
- Therapy, journaling, or support groups can help untangle the emotions tied to your past.
- Develop a New Sense of Spirituality (or Not)
- Some find fulfillment in meditation, nature, philosophy, or secular humanism. Others embrace different spiritual paths. There’s no “one right way” forward—only what resonates with you.
- Let Go of Resentment
- It’s natural to feel anger, but holding onto bitterness can keep you emotionally tied to the church.
- Shifting focus to building the life you want rather than dwelling on what was lost leads to greater peace.
- Set Boundaries Without Guilt
- It’s okay to say no to guilt-trips, testimonies, or expectations that don’t align with your values.
- Healthy boundaries help preserve relationships without sacrificing your well-being.
- Find Joy in the Freedom to Choose
- Explore hobbies, travel, pursue education, or embrace new traditions that bring meaning on your terms.
- Celebrate the small victories of living authentically.
Acceptance is not the end of the journey—it’s the beginning of a new, self-directed life where you are free to create your own meaning, forge genuine connections, and embrace personal growth.
You’re Not Alone—Share Your Story
As you navigate this journey, remember that you are not alone. Many have walked this path before you, and many will come after. One of the most powerful ways to heal and grow is through sharing your story. Find a supportive community of others who have gone through similar experiences.
Sharing is healing
Putting your experience into words helps you process your journey, release pain, and reclaim your narrative. It also fosters understanding and connection, breaking the silence that often surrounds faith transitions. Telling your story is not just for you—it’s for others who are also searching, questioning, and struggling with the same doubts and fears you once had. Your voice can be a beacon of hope and validation for someone who feels lost or alone.
If you’re ready, consider adding your story to wasmormon.org and joining a growing community of people who have chosen honesty, authenticity, and personal growth. Your journey matters—and it deserves to be heard.
More reading:
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elisabeth_K%C3%BCbler-Ross
- https://www.ekrfoundation.org/5-stages-of-grief/change-curve/
- https://speakinggrief.org/get-better-at-grief/understanding-grief/no-step-by-step-process
- https://www.mormonstories.org/anthony-miller-growing-beyond-grief/
- https://faithaftermormonism.org/six-stages-of-grief-in-transition/
- https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/bggpby/what_role_has_the_stages_of_grief_played_in_your/
- https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/counseling-resources/grief-and-loss