Hi, I'm Murphy
I am a mother, a historical sites hunter, a writer, and I was a mormon.
About me
I was born and raised in Salt Lake City, Utah, as a 7th generation Mormon on my father's side, and the daughter of my convert mother. I was a Laurel President. I refused to date until I was 16. I went to a BYU, and served an LDS mission in Toronto Canada.
On my shelf
On the Mormon Spectrum
# Why I left More stories of 'Why I left' the Mormon church
I was a rigid, rigid judgmental bitch. And I was SO angry.
I've always been a strong, opinionated personality, intent on changing the world. I am ready to move mountains single-handedly if necessary. Being Mormon somehow managed to make that energy a bad thing. As a woman, I was "supposed" to be kind, sweet, and loving. I was supposed to make babies and be a homemaker, and I was "supposed" to be happy doing just that. Only that. And that was infuriating.
I grew up being told regularly that God didn't want me as I was, but as something I knew I could never be - MEEK. I felt that God wanted me to shortchange myself at every turn, and when it was said to me in a soothing voice, I believed it. I would never be good enough.
So, this rigid, angry bitch got married, and started having children.
Multiple children later, I realized I resented my husband. He had done nothing wrong, but he also had zero religious "ambition." He didn't want to be an apostle or anything! And subsequently, that meant I would never move mountains for my God, which was the most important thing I could ever be asked to do. As his wife, I would never have that opportunity.
I started an even deeper dive into gender inequality in the church - polygamy, priesthood, abuse, lies, betrayal, etc, etc, ETC, ETC.
The doctrine of a Heavenly Mother broke my heart, though it didn't make me leave. I realized that not only did the Church recognize we had a Mother, they simultaneously commanded us not to talk to her, talk ABOUT her, or even tell us more about her. I realized my own divine destiny was like Her own - doomed to silence and playing eternal second fiddle.
It took me years to stop being "angry" and accept that just LEAVING the church already might actually give me freedom and joy. It was scary.
Finally, after years of grumping about EVERYTHING, I discovered I was pregnant with a little girl.
My entire family resigned the following week.
Somehow I had been able to justify and juggle the thought of raising sons in the church, but discovering that I would have a daughter made me see that future as impossible.
My daughter deserved more than I had received. My daughter deserved to see herself as capable of anything. My daughter deserved to have happiness and feel confident and beautiful in all her dreams and ambitions. She deserved to see herself as a force for good. She deserved to see herself as incredibly strong, solely capable, and a leader if she wanted to.
She wasn't inherently a temptation, or a "mother" before she'd even had a chance to become a woman.
Obviously, leaving Mormonism involved SO MUCH MORE, but for me, it was being damned for being female.
Mormonism is damnation to women.
Questions about Mormons My Answers to Questions about Mormonism
#Link to this answer of 'Are you happy?' by murphy Are you happy? See more answers about 'Are you happy?'
I cannot stress enough, that YES. Oh my gosh, YES.
Frankly, that shouldn't be the litmus test alone, because leaving a cult can be traumatizing as people lose everything they have and know, but I, fortunately, am VERY happy.
I view myself as a human. I'm capable of great good and great stupidity simultaneously, and nobody gets credit for my actions but me, and me alone. The good I do isn't God. It's me. The crap I do isn't Satan. It's the basic human condition, which is beautiful in its variability. Mistakes are not damning. Mistakes are just that, and they're easy to let go of.
I no longer walk through a world of strangers, but a world of equals. I didn't know how scared I was of people outside the church until I wasn't afraid anymore, until I saw myself for what I was - truly one of them. The world is full of amazing, AMAZING good people who are happy and free.
#Link to this answer of 'Has the church been dishonest with its own history?' by murphy Has the church been dishonest with its own history? See more answers about 'Has the church been dishonest with its own history?'
1000 times, yes.
In studying the history of the church, I found so many stories, so many alternate tellings, so many differences from FAITHFUL members, that I realized I had been deliberately misled.
It's knowing that there were other First Vision accounts that varied SIGNIFICANTLY from the one traditionally taught. (You can't tell me you'd see God the Father AND Jesus Christ and forget to mention it on more than one occasion.) The fact that alternate accounts were literally hidden away in a safe by the prophet says they knew they were hiding something faith-shaking.
It was in learning about Joseph's MANY adulterous encounters. It was realizing that Joseph being tarred and feathered was only because the doctor had a change of heart last minute and didn't castrate him, for his alleged crimes against another man's sister. It was reading the first-hand accounts from WOMEN who told of their encounters with the prophet, and their introduction to polygamy. It became apparent, to this ex-social worker, that Joseph Smith was a sexual predator, in MANY disturbing cases.
It was in looking at the succession crisis following the martyrdom - the suspicious death of Joseph's younger brother Samuel - Brigham Young's political plays to get the apostles greater power by ordaining people to certain callings.
For me it was also reading family history records - seeing how my ancestors were AVID treasure diggers, and how they adored Joseph Smith for his work with them - sacrificing the black dog for its blood, etc, in treasure rituals.
It's in Wilford Woodruff's 267 wives - most of which he "received" for his LITERAL BIRTHDAY - dead women sealed to him against their will. It was looking at the murders that took place in Missouri, and recognizing that the Mormons were NOT the victims. It was in looking at the murders that happened in Utah, and empathizing with the women who were brought there under the illusion that polygamy didn't actually take place - only to catch them in the practice through their manipulations.
I could go ON. I was misled from my earliest childhood to see the Mormons as completely innocent victims. None of those things were true.
#Link to this answer of 'Have you had any profound spiritual moments in your life?' by murphy Have you had any profound spiritual moments in your life? See more answers about 'Have you had any profound spiritual moments in your life?'
Yes.
Oh, that feels like a rare, unpopular thing for ex-mormons, but I fully accept that I had spiritual moments in my life. I'm happily agnostic/humanist at this time. But I have experienced things I cannot explain in any other way than some greater consciousness outside of my own.
I am someone who has had visions - I saw my son's eyes, and felt his presence several times before I was even pregnant with him. I served a mission, and had multiple experiences of praying over streets, praying over people, and trying to find answers or directions of where to go or what to do. I FOUND people. I found people at the ends of their ropes who just needed a "sign." I even felt a dark "discouraging" spirit at one point.
Unrelated to Mormonism, I've had experiences with ghosts, etc.
Now that I'm not Mormon, I don't need answers for what causes these things, and why. I'm happy not knowing, and just receiving those things when they come.
#Link to this answer of 'How has your leaving Mormonism affected your family relationships, friendships, job, neighbor relationships, social life, etc.?' by murphy How has your leaving Mormonism affected your family relationships, friendships, job, neighbor relationships, social life, etc.? See more answers about 'How has your leaving Mormonism affected your family relationships, friendships, job, neighbor relationships, social life, etc.?'
I've had periods of silence with family members that lasted literal years. When I've tried to be a support person or help within my family, I've been avoided, I'm certain, because I'm "not a faithful person." I've lost all ability to be of service or even a source of comfort or knowledge, in my family.
Not all family members feel this way, but enough that it makes being around them difficult. It's grief and loss, primarily, but also anger and frustration at being judged harshly for doing something that for me, was so personally positive and necessary. I felt like I followed the truth, and my family would have preferred I stayed, dishonestly, in the lie. It's disappointing to see your family as not having the bravery to be people of integrity and honesty, too.
I'm not a perfect person, by any means, but the alienation I have received has no explanation other than my leaving the church.
#Link to this answer of 'How long was your struggle?' by murphy How long was your struggle? See more answers about 'How long was your struggle?'
I was a raging feminist who complained about YM/YW activity inconsistencies and attitudes from the beginning.
When I went to University I complained about sexism again, and realized how useless I felt as a woman in the church.
When I went on a mission, I saw the church as cruel in the way they treated their missionaries and viewed their investigators as numbers.
When I got married, I realized God was sexist.
It took me YEARS to accept that Mormon God was sexist. Eventually I just convinced myself that that was the church, and it would catch up someday.
It took me a couple years of reading history, and knowing the dark truths about Joseph Smith to realize I didn't believe in him, and that being a part of the Mormon community wasn't worth sacrificing my integrity for.
It took YEARS.
And then it took about one minute.