Hello, I'm lizcastro61!

I'm so new at disassociating myself, I have become quite lonely. My whole life revolved around church and church activities. Without the church, my "friends" are no longer interested in me - except the ones assigned to me by the church. So, I'm trying to cultivate new relationships, but it is really hard. I have friendly connections with my neighbors, but I'd hardly call them true friends. I am retired, so I no longer have work associates. My family is all active and while loving, doesn't want me to discuss my thoughts, concerns or ideas. My husband is anti-social. I'm looking for new connections and hopefully activities with similar minded people in my area.

I have hope that there is a happy life after Mormonism. I have feelings of anger and betrayal that I have given 65 years to an organization that isn't what it claimed to be. I feel anger at myself for taking so long to make a change in disassociating myself with an organization that doesn't love me, has no interest in truth, and hordes the money my ancestors and I have sacrificed to give to the "building of the kingdom". When I have asked questions or challenged history, I have received answers like, "you're on the high road to apostasy", "you need to stop thinking so much" or "those are all lies. Stop reading anti-Mormon literature." When I would reply that the information came from "History of the Church" or scholarly works, I would hear that just because it was printed doesn't make it true. That logic only applied when the words written didn't jive with the words printed by their authorities and what they currently wanted to believe. When I told my brother I was stepping back, he replied, "Well, you've always been rebellious." Other than completely turning off my brain and following whatever he or other male "leaders" tell me to do without question; I wonder what rebellious thing I ever did.

How do I find "my people" from here? My life-style hasn't changed except I don't pay tithing, I don't go to church, and I freely think through political and moral questions that I didn't dare to before. As a sinner goes, I haven't been very successful. I still give generously to those who need my help, I don't drink or smoke (as if that was ever really important), and I'm still faithful to my marriage. I hope to find others who are similar and open to honest relationships.

For me, the answer is yes. That is why I have not determined atheism is the answer. I can't throw out the baby with the bathwater. I feel certain that there is a god, although I have no idea what he/she/it wants from me, if anything at all. I don't believe God has spoken to any human, ever, to describe what he/she/it wants us to believe about the nature of God, the purpose of life, or the organization of heaven. I do think God comforts and communicates with individuals in times of hardship. Communication like "your children have not been forgotten by me" or "you will not be asked to live a principle you object to" or "keep going, you are on the right path" are real and I have experience all these and more. I believe that if it is God's will, he/she/it can affect lifesaving circumstances - although I don't claim to understand why one person is "saved" while another isn't or what God wants from the person whose life has been extended. However, getting answers from the Devine like, "The church is true", "The Prophet is my spokesperson on earth" or any communication that deals with an individual who is now supposed to tell the world what to, isn't from God. It might be mental illness, and the person saying it may not be lying - because they believe it their own delusion. Most people are implementing a con job for the purpose of manipulation others to further the claimant's own position, resulting in power and wealth. I have come to believe that about the Bible, Book of Mormon, Church leadership, and the whole spectrum of people claiming God's power (Jim Jones, David Korsh etc. etc.)

If man could invent Alexia, who answers factual questions clearly and immediately, I would think God could create a system of communication that doesn't require us to believe a third party who is likely conning us. Then we are taught to pat ourselves on the back for not questioning (like any number of Christians and Mormons - think of Doubting Thomas in the Bible - "Blessed are they who believe and have not seen").