Hi, I'm Savi

I left before I knew the church wasn't true. I left thinking I was causing my eternal family suffering by my departure.
I had to, if I was going to survive. I was having panic attacks going to church. The mental torture of not being perfect, not feeling worthy, not being straight, and falling in love with an atheist and wanting to be with them was a constant loop of shame and depression and longing.
I left so I could relax my mind and get away from all the pressure. I wanted to live more than I wanted to take the sacrament and the blessings that were promised to follow someday.
Stepping away opened my eyes to genuine kindness and happiness without strings attached. Even with some guilt still, I felt I finally had permission to truly ask myself what my morals and standards were and I realized most of them didn't align with the church.
I started to research and listen to the experiences of others who left. The racism in the church went so much deeper than I was taught and it disgusted me. I knew then, that the racism alone was enough for me to leave, but I kept diving in deeper.
The temple ceremonies were heartbreaking and not trauma informed or prevented. Joseph Smith and his young child brides, the sexual assaults that were hidden, tithing, sexism, same sex marriage, the erasure of Native Americans, the antisemitism, and colonization- all of it. Too much of the church didn't align with my morals or the world I wanted to live in- or could survive in.
I'm so grateful I chose myself and love and I'm so grateful for the exmormon community. I've been able to process and heal and deconstruct so much pain and harmful ideologies because of this community.
Now, I feel loved, worthy, accepted and saved. I believe in Love, justice, reparations, and Land back.