Abbreviated Mormons

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What type of Mormon are you
What do you call your brand 
If the name is too long-winded 
It will be written in shorthand 

Mos. stood for Mormons
Until we were notified
The name was a trick of Satan
That Rusty Nelson rectified 

Ortho-Mos. are orthodox Mormons 
They believe what the prophets have said
And when the prophets do conflict 
They abandon the ones who are dead 

NOMs are New Order Mormons 
They don’t care if the Church is wrong 
They only see Mormonism as good 
And so they still belong 

Prog-Mos. are progressive Mormons 
They still have some Church pride 
They don’t like how the Church is run 
But rather not be cast outside 

Nu-Mos. are nuanced Mormons 
But who knows what that means 
Even those who adopt the label 
Aren’t sure which way they lean 

Buffet-Mos. are selective Mormons 
They choose what they believe 
Other teachings they reject 
And so feel much relieved 

Liberal-Mos. are an oxymoron 
They do not exist 
To be liberal and truly Mormon 
Is too great of a conflict 

Jack-Mo. once meant a non-Mormon friend
Who helped and sympathized
Now it means a lapsed member
Who does not scorn or criticize 

Igno-Mos. are Mormon Saints
Active in their stake 
But they are happily ignorant
About their Mormon faith 

Zombie-Mos.  are names on Church rolls 
Of members not seen for years 
They didn’t waste time, trying to resign 
They just disappeared 

Cultural-Mos. cling to Mormon culture 
It’s imprinted upon their minds 
Most were born into the covenant 
But faith has been left behind 

Ex-Mos. and post-Mos. are apostates
For them it may be too late
They will be in Outer Darkness
If they don’t renew their faith 

Nev-Mos. are non-Mormons  
Someone never baptized  
They can still gain exaltation  
By converting after they have died

Anti-Mos. are anti-Mormons 
Mos. claim they’ll destroy your belief 
Anti-Mos. just speak their truths 
But that gives Mos. much grief  

A prog-Mo. may become an ex-Mo. 
But use jack-Mo. as a disguise 
What they do depends upon   
Financial and family ties 

Igno-Mos. stay igno-Mos. 
Belief matters not a smidgen 
They’re in the Church to socialize 
Not for the religion 

Jack-Mos. are a Mo. toss-up 
Who knows where they’ll land 
Most just stay as jack-Mos. 
‘Cause they don’t really give a damn 

A nev-Mo. may become a Mo. 
Just by being baptized 
This has become less common 
Since the world became digitized 

Ex-Mos. are still hurt and angry 
Because of the Church’s lies 
Post-Mos. have moved on  
To where a better future lies 

Ex-Mos. may become Mos. again 
By being re-baptized 
Some question their sincerity 
If their lives are not revised  

Nev-Mos. are the lucky ones 
They’ll never know Mo. guilt 
And if they do something wrong 
No blood has to be spilt 

These are just a few of the types  
Of Mormons that have been described 
To list them all would take too long 
For me to ever transcribe 

Poem by P. Luke Firestoker

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