What type of Mormon are you
What do you call your brand
If the name is too long-winded
It will be written in shorthand
Mos. stood for Mormons
Until we were notified
The name was a trick of Satan
That Rusty Nelson rectified
Ortho-Mos. are orthodox Mormons
They believe what the prophets have said
And when the prophets do conflict
They abandon the ones who are dead
NOMs are New Order Mormons
They don’t care if the Church is wrong
They only see Mormonism as good
And so they still belong
Prog-Mos. are progressive Mormons
They still have some Church pride
They don’t like how the Church is run
But rather not be cast outside
Nu-Mos. are nuanced Mormons
But who knows what that means
Even those who adopt the label
Aren’t sure which way they lean
Buffet-Mos. are selective Mormons
They choose what they believe
Other teachings they reject
And so feel much relieved
Liberal-Mos. are an oxymoron
They do not exist
To be liberal and truly Mormon
Is too great of a conflict
Jack-Mo. once meant a non-Mormon friend
Who helped and sympathized
Now it means a lapsed member
Who does not scorn or criticize
Igno-Mos. are Mormon Saints
Active in their stake
But they are happily ignorant
About their Mormon faith
Zombie-Mos. are names on Church rolls
Of members not seen for years
They didn’t waste time, trying to resign
They just disappeared
Cultural-Mos. cling to Mormon culture
It’s imprinted upon their minds
Most were born into the covenant
But faith has been left behind
Ex-Mos. and post-Mos. are apostates
For them it may be too late
They will be in Outer Darkness
If they don’t renew their faith
Nev-Mos. are non-Mormons
Someone never baptized
They can still gain exaltation
By converting after they have died
Anti-Mos. are anti-Mormons
Mos. claim they’ll destroy your belief
Anti-Mos. just speak their truths
But that gives Mos. much grief
A prog-Mo. may become an ex-Mo.
But use jack-Mo. as a disguise
What they do depends upon
Financial and family ties
Igno-Mos. stay igno-Mos.
Belief matters not a smidgen
They’re in the Church to socialize
Not for the religion
Jack-Mos. are a Mo. toss-up
Who knows where they’ll land
Most just stay as jack-Mos.
‘Cause they don’t really give a damn
A nev-Mo. may become a Mo.
Just by being baptized
This has become less common
Since the world became digitized
Ex-Mos. are still hurt and angry
Because of the Church’s lies
Post-Mos. have moved on
To where a better future lies
Ex-Mos. may become Mos. again
By being re-baptized
Some question their sincerity
If their lives are not revised
Nev-Mos. are the lucky ones
They’ll never know Mo. guilt
And if they do something wrong
No blood has to be spilt
These are just a few of the types
Of Mormons that have been described
To list them all would take too long
For me to ever transcribe
Poem by P. Luke Firestoker
This post is by p luke firestoker.
Hi, I'm PLukeFirestoker
I write ex-Mormon poetry and parody songs and do occasional cartoons. Most have never been seen or heard, but a few are on Facebook. There is not much of a demand for these works. Such is life. I believe I am supposed to terminate this with the phrase, "I was Mormon".
