Brooklyn’s Mormon story is one of awakening, self-discovery, and courage. Growing up in a small ward in St. Louis and later navigating the tightly knit Mormon culture at BYU and beyond, she experienced the deeply ingrained patterns of self-criticism that the Church often encourages. These patterns, cloaked in the guise of humility and self-improvement, led her to question the very foundation of her faith. Through her journey of learning to love herself unconditionally, Brooklyn found the space to critically evaluate the teachings and culture of the Church. Encounters with difficult truths about the Church’s history and responses to abuse brought clarity to what had long lingered on the fringes of her awareness. Leaving was not just about losing faith in Mormonism; it was about the harder work of untangling its grip on her identity and life.
I grew up in St Louis in a relatively small ward. So I didn’t really have members in my school. All of my ward experience after childhood has been a series of singles wards at BYU then in Orem. I knew I was ignorant of what Mormonism was. Then I decided it was time to learn. I was a Mormon.
My deconstruction started in college when I realized every week so much of what people said was the same self-hatred coded in self-righteousness. People always found something to dislike about themselves to share with the class. And I did the same thing — praying every day to be better and always feeling I was coming up short.
I decided that would be the end of that and to love myself unconditionally. Funny thing is, when you do that, you give yourself room to disagree with everything that doesn’t fit with that message. So I was frequently hearing things at church and THINKING. A dangerous pastime, I know.
I recognized there were things about the Mormon Church that I heard on the fringes but didn’t want to digest. Things that I knew that if I knew them, I’d have to act. I’d have to decide if this was all hogwash or not. Then came the Arizona abuse case.
I watched a Mormon Stories of Tim Kosnoff, and I was so repulsed by what he shared, I decided it was time. That fortuitously coincided with LDS Discussions series on Mormon Stories, and a month later, I was out.
What a lovely thing being out is. I kept going to church for 9 months after losing my faith just to observe. It was fascinating — well, it was at best boring and at worst disturbing. So many people internalize the most horrid things from this church. Why does Relief Society always devolve into trauma sharing hour?
Losing faith in Mormonism was easy. Having the courage to fully detangle all the pieces of it in my life was hard.
Brooklyn
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