Ally is a brave young woman navigating the difficult path of deconstructing her faith while still within her devout Mormon family. Diagnosed with severe anxiety at twelve, Ally’s struggles were compounded by the pressures of her religious upbringing. At thirteen, she began questioning the beliefs she’d been taught, and her journey led her to a painful but empowering realization about her own identity and the dark side of the church. Now, at fifteen, she remains physically in the church but mentally free, finding solace in the support of non-Mormon friends and ex-Mormon communities. Ally’s courage in facing her doubts, and her determination to live authentically, set her on a path toward reclaiming her life and eventually departing from the church when it is safe to do so.
I was raised in a multigenerational traditional Mormon family. My ancestor was one of Joseph Smith’s wives. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety at age twelve, which was, in part, because of Mormonism. I was a Mormon.
I had doubts about the church even as a kid. Things just didn’t seem to line up sometimes, but I still trusted and followed with blind faith. I didn’t know anything different.
When I was thirteen, it all came crashing down. Over a year or so, I realized that I was queer and started doing some research about the Mormon church. What I found shocked me.
I remember this awful hollow feeling in my chest. If the church really wasn’t true, then who was I? What would happen to me? I am fifteen. My family doesn’t know. I am hiding. I have been PIMO (physically in, mentally out) for close to two years.
I cried in my room for hours and hours one night, praying and pleading desperately for God to give me something, some sign that it was all true. There was nothing. No answer. I was alone. On that night my “shelf” had broken at only thirteen, and ever since then I have been researching the history of Mormonism and contemplating how I will escape the church once I am eighteen.
It has been a year and a half since I fully deconstructed the church. It will be three more years until I can leave, and yeah, it gets pretty shitty sometimes pretending to be someone I’m not. But I have found a support system with my non-Mormon friends and with other Ex-Mormons online.
Right now, it is not safe to come out as exmormon. When I do, I will be the first in my family to leave. However, my hope is to not be the last. By exposing the hypocrisies and harm done by the church, I might be able to put some weight on the figurative “shelves” of my parents, sibling, and extended family.
In the meantime, I am pretending. I attend church and Young Women’s activities, and try to stay quiet and compliant. In secret, I sneak out to drink coffee and joke with friends. I will make it out of this cult eventually, and I will take my life back.
Ally
This is a spotlight on a profile shared at wasmormon.org. These are just the highlights, so please find the full story at https://wasmormon.org/profile/exmo-in-flames/. There are stories of Mormon faith journeys contributed by hundreds of users like you. Come check them out and consider sharing your own story at wasmormon.org!
When creating a profile, contributors select a privacy level they are comfortable with. There are options to publicly display a profile in the directory and receive a spotlight, opt out of social media attention, remain private and only viewable by other site members, or be completely unlisted. wasmormorg.org is for you to share your story however you can – never to dox you.