I'm Bennet!
I work with dogs, I am a trans man married to a fellow trans man, and I was a mormon.
About me
I grew up with a lifelong LDS mom and a convert dad-- she came from generations of Mormons and he converted because of drug and alcohol recovery in his youth. It was a very strict upbringing-- I was at the church doing something almost every day of the week. Despite always being in the house of the Lord, I never felt His presence.
On my shelf
On the Mormon Spectrum
# Why I left More stories of 'Why I left' the Mormon church
I left because I had tried to kill myself.
It was almost an every day thing; I would take my shower in the morning, fill the tub up with water, and lay face down. It never worked, but each morning I gained a little more determination to do something more drastic, more real.
Leading up to this period of my life, I realized I was bisexual. A year later, I heard the word "transgender" for the first time. It changed everything. Secretly finding out the password to our family computer, I snuck on in the middle of the night and Googled "transgender", "transgender man", "can you be transgender without a surgery", "if i'm a girl can i be a transgender man", for hours I was locked onto the computer screen, reading people explain feelings I had pushed away as the devil speaking to me for ages. It all clicked. I cleared the browsing history, logged out, and went back to bed. The next morning at school, I told two of my closest friends I thought I was trans.
That really was the beginning of the end. Instinctively, I knew I couldn't tell anyone at church or anyone in my family. I kept it a secret for a long time. I was trying desperately to reconcile my faith with my newfound identity-- I was a firm believer in God, in Joseph Smith's righteousness, in my duty to spread the good word. I did everything to remain a devout follower and prove to myself it wasn't a sin to be Mormon AND trans.
When I was 15, a girl who was a member of my ward and who went to my school, a girl I thought was my friend, had found out from someone else that I was trans and that I was dating a girl. She waited until a day I was sick and not at church and told my parents everything.
My home life got significantly worse afterwards.
Eventually, it got to the point where I was passively ready to die at any moment. I was slowly losing my faith, sneaking onto the internet at night and doing research into church policies, exmormom accounts, history. Sometimes it got to be too much and I would log off and try to repent, but that never stopped the "what ifs" and the "whys" running through my head. I was miserable, I was suffering. Why was God doing this to me?
One day, I finally had the courage to committ the more drastic action. Obviously I survived, but it DID kill the remaining belief in the church. No matter how hard I tried, I could no longer summon up a testimony, could no longer pretend to pray, could no longer act the part of the good Mormon girl. I had to give in to who I knew I really was. And that meant leaving.
Questions about Mormons My Answers to Questions about Mormonism
#Link to this answer of 'How did being Mormon affect your daily life?' by bennjh How did being Mormon affect your daily life? See more answers about 'How did being Mormon affect your daily life?'
I was riddled with anxiety every waking moment since well before I was baptized. Being Mormon taught me that even thinking bad thoughts was a sin-- as young as 6 or 7, if I had an unkind thought or I accidentally saw something my mom would disapprove of, I would panic and try to erase it as fast as I could before God found out. My anxieties only grew with age: when I was told that I was apart of the "chosen generation" or that we would see the second coming in our lifetime, I would panic about the end of the world. I wasn't ready to die or leave my life behind! I hadn't even gotten a chance to grow up! I would panic about every little action out in public, worried that passerby might think I wasn't Mormon. I would panic alone at night, because I thought a little too much about how pretty my non-Mormon friends at school were and was that a sin? Was that too gay? Was it a sin to have a best friend who watched a show with a gay character??
Basically, my life was one constant anxiety attack. I lived in a blur, too caught up in my own head to take notice of what was going on around me. To this day, I can hardly remember what elementary, middle, or high school was like, but I can remember exact anxieties I would have.
#Link to this answer of 'What church callings did you serve in?' by bennjh What church callings did you serve in? See more answers about 'What church callings did you serve in?'
Funnily enough, when I was struggling with my attraction to both men and women, I was called to be the Mia Maids president. While others might have seen this as an opportunity to throw themselves into their calling and forget their worldly troubles, I saw it as proof the leaders were not divinely inspired. Didn't they know how sinful and dirty I was?
#Link to this answer of 'What do you feel or know about tithing?' by bennjh What do you feel or know about tithing? See more answers about 'What do you feel or know about tithing?'
I know 10% of someone's income is a tremendous ask. I make about 35k a year. If I was still a tithe-paying member, 3.5k of my money would be going to the church. Of every $1200 paycheck, $120 would be the church's. We already struggle to pay our bills, why on earth would I give up more of that money to a church who doesn't give anything back except empty prosperity gospel? I saw this with my parents; my dad was the only working parent, and there were 5 of us kids. All 7 of us lived in a 3 bedroom house at one point, becuase that's all they could afford. My parents paid extra tithing every month, along with fast offerings and donations to the missionaries. We were taught over and over that paying your tithing would bring blessings upon blessings, but all it did was put a strain on our finances. Being as poor as we were meant that while we were giving all this money to the church, we had no other choice but to rely on church members and resources to help us out during times of hardship. It's a cycle meant to keep you in the community, to make it harder to leave. I stopped paying tithing when I was around 16, because I figured I could skip out on whatever blessings God had in store for me if it meant this $20 of birthday money could buy me lunch right when I was hungry, instead of later when I was starving as a "thank you" for being faithful.
#Link to this answer of 'How has your leaving Mormonism affected your family relationships, friendships, job, neighbor relationships, social life, etc.?' by bennjh How has your leaving Mormonism affected your family relationships, friendships, job, neighbor relationships, social life, etc.? See more answers about 'How has your leaving Mormonism affected your family relationships, friendships, job, neighbor relationships, social life, etc.?'
When I was Mormon, I had very few friends. I wasn't allowed to spend time at friends' houses if they weren't Mormon, and if I had those friends at all I was supposed to try and convert them. Within the church, I wasn't put-together enough for the other girls to take much of an interest in me. I had a lonely childhood, preoccupied with not giving in to worldly temptations rather than going outside and playing with the neighbors. After leaving, I've cultivated a group of friends that are kind, loving, giving, and just a little weird. Their experiences have broadened my world view, and their caring natures have made me a nicer person in turn. I'm far more social, even with strangers, and I'm much more comfortable in public settings and unfamiliar situations. Being of the world has made me more equipped to be in the world, despite whatever silly teachings they tried to drill into my head in young women's.
#Link to this answer of 'Does the church encourage leader worship?' by bennjh Does the church encourage leader worship? See more answers about 'Does the church encourage leader worship?'
Absolutely. Not even a question. They focus more heavily on the teachings of the prophets than on the teachings of Jesus himself. The whole religion is built on some guy claiming HE and he alone had more knowledge than everyone else, and he was gonna write a book about it! This lead to a culture of worshipping Joseph Smith rather than worshipping God and His son. They scrub the stories of the prophets' lives, then teach them to impressionable children so they grow up seeing these figures as heroes. Joseph Smith was a manipulative creep, Brigham Young had 50+ wives, plenty of the prophets are recorded saying racist things, etc.
#Link to this answer of 'Are you happy?' by bennjh Are you happy? See more answers about 'Are you happy?'
Yes. I am so much happier in the life I live now than the life I might have pressured myself into if I had stayed. I wouldn't have started my transition, I might have married a man I didn't love, we might have had children, I wouldn't be working in the field I am now. I live on my own terms, I love my husband dearly, I like my job and I like working on Sundays, and I like not having kids. I am exploring my mental health issues, healing, and becoming a better person every day.