Hi, I'm "Quiet Courage"

I'm 61 M and a lifelong member of the Mormon church.

My parents joined the Mormon church in the early 60's in Southern California. Dad was first to in 1964 then my Mom in 1966. We did everything you would do as a Mormon family, but I did not have a testimony that I was conditioned I should have. At the time, I absolutely felt the problem was me (not the church).

When I as 18, I moved in with my Grandmother, so I could go to college. I stopped going to church the first two years I lived with her. I was incredibly lonely and I really wanted friends. After two years, I decided to take an institute class at the college I attended with the hope that I would find friends. Quite honestly finding friends was my sole purpose in attending (free parking was a nice benefit too). I met several 'friends,' and, for the first time in my life, I had a good social life. Life was good and I had a lot of fun.

I was 20 and I had not gone on a mission. These 'friends' told me I should go on a mission to gain a strong testimony of the church. I really wanted to find out for myself the church was true.

The day before I went to the MTC (1984) I went to the Temple for the first time (my parents were at this point very inactive, so I went in by myself). The first thing I saw was a row of cash registers (my first thought was money changers in the temple). The second thing I saw was a guy dressed in some strange clothes.

I don't remember much of the temple ceremony (other than it was weird). I do remember sitting in a big room in the middle of a row towards the back of the room. I remember I was incredibly uncomfortable during the session. I said to myself 'get thee behind me Satan." (I'd been taught to say that when I felt the presence of Satan.)

Keep in mind this was less than 24 hours before I was schedule to go into the MTC. The shame of backing out of my mission now would be huge. What would my parents, ward members and new 'friends' think?

My mission was a disaster, but I "Endured to the end."

When I got home, I literally never saw these 'friends' again and I stopped attending church for nearly six months.

I regularly went to church for the next 30ish years (mostly because of my respect for wife). Deep inside of me my feelings about the church grew more negative as the years went by.

When the internet emerged in the mid to late 1990's, I started to search for LDS information on the internet.
• I stumbled on an electronic copy of the Nauvoo Expositor. I read the entire newspaper. That was a real eye opener for me. I had never heard of the claims made in that paper.
• Also, while searching the internet, I lost my testimony when I was reading a talk by Mark E. Peterson given in 1954. He talked about how black people could go to the Celestial Kingdom, but only as servants. I remember the exact moment where I said to myself this church is not true (this was in the fall of 1998).
• At the time I had a wife who I loved very much and we had a small toddler and a new born. All of this was at risk if I left the church.
• I pushed my thoughts into the back of my mind. I didn't ignore them, but I just desensitized myself to these thoughts. In some ways I'm embarrassed I didn't have the courage to confront my beliefs and share the depths of my thoughts with my wife. The church conditioned me that no Mormon girl will want to marry you if you abandoned the church (that was real and profound to me). Also, I didn’t want my kids thinking I was 'less than.'

Over the next many years, I did my best to push all of my concerns onto my "shelf." At times I was better at it than others. I had two pretty serious bouts of anxiety and depression. These were triggered by work-related issues, but I can't help but think that my church-related cognitive dissonance contributed as well.

COVID provided an opportunity to stop attending church on a regular basis. I decided that I would not return to church long before the COVID lock down ended.

Since I stepped away from the church in 2020, several other things have really bothered me:
○ The Church plead guilty for securities fraud in 2023 (the fraud occurred for more than 25 years).
○ Instances where the church protected sexual predators, while shaming the victims (Arizona).
○ The church is not transparent with its finances. That's a huge issue for me.
○ The vast wealth of the church. Currently, estimates are the church is worth roughly $250 billion dollars. The church does very little to help the poor and hungry, while requiring the poor and hungry pay the church 10% of their meager earnings.
○ The church operates more like a corporation than a religious organization. The leadership is comprised of mostly businessmen, lawyers, and doctors. There are not many 'carpenters' in the bunch. Nevertheless, many of the local leaders are hardworking people with normal jobs just trying to do their best.

After I stopped attending church, I came across several really great podcasts (Mormon Stories and Sunstone Mormon History Podcast). These helped open my eyes to much more church history. They also helped me realize that I was not alone in my church experience.