Hi! I'm Debbie
I'm a crafter and an educator. I am a seeker of truth! I was a mormon.
I was born and raised in upstate New York, about two hours from Palmyra. Both of my parents were converts, my father joining as a teenager, my mother's family joining when she was seven. My parents met on my mother's mission, and were married about a year after she returned home. I was raised in the church and my family tried to be the perfect mormon family. We held weekly FHE, daily morning family scripture study, multiple times a day, on your knees, family prayers. We went to church every week, even on vacations. My mother always made use to volunteer us all to take over the tiny branch when we spent the summers in Maine. I held every calling a teenage girl could have. Always volunteered to do music for the church. Went to every youth event including EFY (three times, multiple states). I did my undergrad at BYU-Idaho where I eventually met and temple married my now ex-husband. We couldn't have children together, so we made the decision together, based on the church, to adopt a child. My child is now 16. I taught in Southern Utah for the first half of my career. I was a dedicated temple goer, going often by myself when I had a question for god. I wanted to talk directly to God in the celestial room so I knew he could hear me. My faith was so strong that I often brushes off my doubts as "these answers will show up eventually and then everyone will see"
On my shelf
On the Mormon Spectrum
I have had a nagging question in my mind since I was ten. The memory is still fresh. I was leaving the pew behind my siblings at Christmas time. I stopped in my tracks and thought "why hasn't anyone found any evidence of the Book of Mormon yet?" We were learning about the Aztec in school and it triggered my thought. My ten year old brain brushed it off as, "it will show up later" and went to class. But the evidence never showed up. I tried to be the best mormon I could for my family. I didn't want to disappoint them. Looking back now, I felt the spirit depending on my depression. If I was trying to numb my emotions I wouldn't be moved to tears by the spirit. I thought I was a sinner because I didn't feel anything. As my depression started to get better and I allowed myself to feel again, I would get caught up in the emotions of the room and call it the spirit.
My patriarchal blessing states that if I was faithful I would have child in the Covent. I would find a worthy priesthood holder to get married to. When I did get married, the sealer told us that he saw that we had met in heaven, and were friends and made promises to each other to find each other and help and grow. We were going to have kids together. We were going to live a long and happy life together. But you know where this is going... 5 years later, there are no children despite being faithful. Ex husband has a birth defect that caused complete infertility on his end. I had my own problems that never resolved despite lots of medicine and time and money.
There was one time in my marriage where there was a strong chance I could of been pregnant (being knowing about the defect). I had tested and there was two lines. I tested again and again two lines. I prayed and asked God if this was real. I went and did a session as soon as I could because I wanted to talk to God in the celestial room. I sat there in meditation for a good hour until I was sure I had received the answer I was meant to receive. And that was, yes you are pregnant. I wanted to be really sure, so a week later I took a digital pregnancy test and it was negative. I blamed myself that I misheard God wrong.
We adopted because that's what the church wanted. I wanted to get donors. We did church because he was the male and had the final say. But God should of known what he promised us. My ex and I drifted apart as he took started acting like a Utah Mormon Male, arrogant and always right. He finally came out as pansexual and we decide to separate so he could be happy. If we were suppose to be together, as the sealer told me that he saw, why is this happening? Why did he let us get together and adopt a child together if we were just going to separate later?
I was already on my way out when we separated. I had dealt with a lot of misogyny with my Utah and AZ wards. I hold a M.Ed in STEAM Education and have a decades worth of experience in the classroom and I was expected to take teaching education classes through the church from someone who's reading out of a book. Any real life suggestion I made was turned down, but any male suggestion was taken. Don't worry it was uncomfortably mentioned and laughed at that I should be teaching these classes but can't because I'm a female. God also apparently always wanted me to be a primary teacher and a primary pianist. My occupation is Elementary Music Teacher. Not suspicious.
I found myself correcting my child's church lessons to what I wanted her to learn. I.e. you are not chewed gum or using up your heart, whenever you decide it's right for you please make sure you're safe and with the right person. I felt like I was brainwashing children in primary. I hated that I was teaching them things I didn't believe in anymore.
When my ex and I decided to officially separate, I left the church about 3 months afterwards. I kept my word at got the kids to the primary program, turned in my binder and never went back. I started looking at the CES letter for the first time. Right in the beginning of the letter, my now twenty year long question was being answered. And it's being answered by learned men of science. I believe in science and the black and white of it. These people said that there is zero evidence of the Book of Mormon ever exsisting. My shelf broke right there.
Questions I've answered
Are you happy? More was mormon answers about 'Are you happy?'
Very! The happiest I've been in a long time. I am no longer pressured to keep a persona that isn't me. I can do what I need to do to be the best version of myself without guilt. I am away from a man who would bring the worst out in me. Im raising my child free from unnecessary guilt and sin and that makes me happiest of all!
Are you still christian? More was mormon answers about 'Are you still christian?'
No. I do not believe in Christianity. My family does and I respect that. I choose to mediate and practice self reflection instead.
Are you lazy? Is that why you left? More was mormon answers about 'Are you lazy? Is that why you left?'
🤣🤣 oh I'm lazy but not when it came to the church. I did a lot for primary and for the music aspect of the religion. I left because I felt like I was lied too, on more than one occasion.
Have you had any profound spiritual moments in your life? More was mormon answers about 'Have you had any profound spiritual moments in your life?'
Yes I have, both in and out of the church. One of the biggest spiritual experience I've ever had was when I was in college, before I had met my then husband. I was in my "rebellious" phase. I was just trying to experience everything I was forbidden to try when I was in my parents house. One night I had a very vivid dream. I still remember it and how I felt. The dream went as followed; I was sitting in a generic celestial room while I was going through my endowments for the first time. There was a group of people on the other side of the room that were being loud and obnoxious. I turned to my left and Jesus was sitting next to me and I asked him "why are you allowing these people in here when it's suppose to be my special day. Why aren't you stopping them?" He turned to me and said "my child, you do the same thing in my temples when you come in and you aren't worthy. Your spirit is creating loud noises for other. You need to stop what you're doing."
It felt real. Very real. I felt overwhelmed with the spirit while I was talking to Jesus. I felt like I touched him. I heard the people talking. I still feel like it was real today.