Hello, I'm Amethyst!
I love books and the forest. I'm a lesbian. I'm an artist, poet and writer. The church took 13 years of my life, and I'm lucky it didn't take more. I was a Mormon.
About me
I'm an introvert and a queer person. My identity is a bit complicated. I use she/they pronouns. I'm a demigirl (meaning I'm partially female and partially nonbinary) and an aroace lesbian (I don't experience romantic or sexual attraction, but I feel queerplatonic attraction towards women and nonbinary oriented genders.) I was born into a mormon family and raised in the belief. Even though I had a gay uncle, I didn't learn about the LGBTQ+ until fourth grade.
In fourth grade I was introduced to the concept of "Transgender" and "Queer." I didn't fully undestand, but I wanted to call myself nonbinary. I asked my teacher to use they/they pronouns for me. Everything seemed fine.
When my parents found out...things did not go well.
Anyway, I ended up moving into a town half an hour away from the city where we had lived. I was miserable. I had no friends, I hated church, I hated my parents. After half a year of being depressed and angry, I decided to "let the gospel into my life", so to speak. I regained my happiness, but at a price. The church took my agency, my identity. As years passed by, I blocked out memories of fourth grade. I had doubts, but I satisfied myself with the church's (somewhat weak) apologetics. Anything with queer related content made me uncomfortable. I would read over and over the copy of "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" in the church library. I hated the LGBTQ+ community, especially transgenders. I blamed them for my past depression. I tried to forget they existed.
On my shelf
On the Mormon Spectrum
# Why I left More stories of 'Why I left' the Mormon church
In 7th grade, I read some books with LGBTQIA+ characters. I related to them, so much that I started to question my own beliefs. I decided the LGBTQIA+ wasn't so bad after all. Secretly, I began wondering if I was bi.
Eventually, I discovered my identity. I tried to believe that I could be mormon and queer, tried to find a reasonable explanation for the Procolamation to the Family, but in the end I decided to put that question up high on my proverbial shelf, and trust god that things would work out in the end.
I explored my queer identity and made queer friends. One of those friends's family was exmormon. Their grandparent's were dedicated to the faith, but their parents were inactive. He was atheist/agnostic, and had no interest in rejoining. I felt confused by this, but hoped they would rejoin so I wouldn't be the only queer kid at church.
When my parents found out I was queer (history repeats itself, doesn't it?) I was terrified. I told them as little as possible about my queerness. As a result, they thought I was ashamed of it and wasn't really queer. My mom showed me the church article about transgender people and said I was "piling on all these identities to feel special." I was so scared. I didn't have the courage to talk about it. I felt angry, suicidal and betrayed.
To this day I still resent them for it. I have a role in the blame - I should have handled the situation better - but when your own parents invalidate you like that, it hurts. It breaks your heart and your trust and leaves you desperately trying to pick up the pieces.
For months afterward, I felt resentful - not just towards my parents, but towards the entire church. The article they showed me had been comprised of multiple apostle's opinions. It said that socially, physically, or medically transitioning was "counseled against" and said that should you transition, several consequences could occur, like not being able to have a temple recommend and being denied access to the priesthood. I felt angry. How could a bunch of cisgender, straight men tell me that transitioning was "counseled against?" From then on, I began to view the church through a more critical lens. It was the first big crack in my shelf.
I listened to talks about what I should do when I was doubting. The responses were the same: pray, study the scriptures, and what ever you do, don't talk about it with other doubters. I tried, I really did. I begged god for an answer. I poured over the scriptures looking for a verse to describe what I was feeling. I wanted to be confident in my faith again.
The second big crack came when I began thinking about paganism. It seemed like such a beautiful religon, and I desperately wished I could be a part of it. I hated myself for those treacherous thoughts. Thoughts that caused me to begin researching the religon, hating myself for doing it. I really wanted to be pagan. But at the same time, how could I abandon god? How could I do that to god, who had given everything for me? In my mind, I was in a great debt to the church for being raised in the faith, and leaving would be betraying god.
The questions still kept coming. Why do we have literal worship hymns (like "Praise to the Man") to Joseph Smith if we don't worship him. Why would god forbid queer love and police our identities if he loved us for who we are? Why would god withhold priesthood from women, and why would he deny black people the priesthood and then change his mind about it? If god was loving, why would he describe in great detail how he he's going to slaughter everyone who isn't mormon, and why would god ask Abraham to murder his only son? A loving god wouldn't do that. I accidentally found my dad's patriarchal blessing and read it - it seemed so generic and uninspiring. They all seemed to be the same - the blood of [insert tribe here] flows in your veins; you will be blessed with [insert virtue here] and will have lots of children.
Then one rainy day driving to a hiking destination, my mother elaborated for the three hundredth time on the importance of marriage in our lives and I snapped. I decided that I would rather go to the telestial kingdom with my friends then live in that church. It was the first time I truly felt free in all my life. I was thirteen.
I'm a minor, so I have to pretend to be a TBM every sunday and a young women's councilor every young women's meeting. That last part is especially awkward because I have to hear about how we can convert my inactive friend to the church. I am a PIMO (physically in, mentally out). And while I despise the cult and their teachings, it hurts to see so many good people who are still chained to the church.
The strange thing is, despite having to go to church, I feel so free now that I've left the spiritual and emotional burdens that came with mormonism. I am happier than I have ever been. There is hope. There is hope for me and there is hope for everyone in the church. And I hope that one day I can fight for their freedom. I hope that one day I can tell another lonely kid "You are not alone. Open your eyes. There is a way out. You can get out." Because deep down inside, even the most faithful missionary still has doubts. It's our choice whether to think for ourselves or blindly stand by the church's teaching.
Questions about Mormons My Answers to Questions about Mormonism
#Link to this answer of 'How do you currently feel about the church?' by Amethyst How do you currently feel about the church? See more answers about 'How do you currently feel about the church?'
I am angry. I am so fucking angry at them for the religous trauma and gaslighting they brought me. I am angry they made me stay in denial for years. It's not an anger that comes from hate, but love.
#Link to this answer of 'When did you learn about blacks being denied the priesthood and therefore attending the temple?' by Amethyst When did you learn about blacks being denied the priesthood and therefore attending the temple? See more answers about 'When did you learn about blacks being denied the priesthood and therefore attending the temple?'
When I was in around 7th grade. I had been raised believing that the church was always anti racist and accepting of all, so it was suprising. I still wasn't ready to deconstruct, though.
#Link to this answer of 'Why are you sharing your story?' by Amethyst Why are you sharing your story? See more answers about 'Why are you sharing your story?'
To let every deconstructing or questioning mormon know that you can get out. No matter whether you were born into or converted, whether you belong to the mainstream or a splinter group, no matter what your story is, you can get out. I want to tell the girl who cries at night wishing she had died before the age of accountability so she'd go to heaven that she can get out. I want to tell the woman who's church leaders did nothing when she told them about the abuse that was happening to her that she can get out. The BIPOC folx who feel cursed or inferior, that they can get out. The queer kids who beg god to forgive them for their "desires" that they can get out. You can get out. Please, get out.
#Link to this answer of 'Is being queer a sin?' by Amethyst Is being queer a sin? See more answers about 'Is being queer a sin?'
No. Queer love - be it gay, lesbian, bisexual, aspec or other- is never a sin. It is not lust, it is not a disease. It cannot be "cured" or "repented" of. Marriage is about love, not gender, and choosing not to be married at all is just as valid. Love is love.
#Link to this answer of 'What role does religion or spirituality play in your life now? What does it mean to you?' by Amethyst What role does religion or spirituality play in your life now? What does it mean to you? See more answers about 'What role does religion or spirituality play in your life now? What does it mean to you?'
I identify as pagan. I could call myself a hellenic polytheist since both goddesses I worship are greek/hellenic, but I'd rather just call myself a pagan. I'm certainly not an expert on paganism but I try to learn as much about it as possible. It is a very big deal to me. I have secret "pocket altars" which I hide in my room, and I try to write in my prayer journal every night. My goddesses are so kind. I was once in the forest when a large swarm of mosquitoes started bothering me. I prayed to Gaia to make them go away, and when I opened my eyes they were gone. My spirituality makes me so happy and grateful for my existence. My self esteem is getting better, and every time I look in the mirror, I can think "wow, I'm beautiful. I am divine and worthy of my own love." without worrying about being prideful. It means so much to me.
#Link to this answer of 'Are you happy?' by Amethyst Are you happy? See more answers about 'Are you happy?'
I am so happy. I am so grateful to be, at least mentally, out. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad sometimes. Church every week feels like torture. I have religous trauma and every time I'm near a temple I want to throw up. I feel horrified learning about the abuse and suffering so many children were subjected to- things that could very well have happened to me. Deconstructing my toxic beliefs is painful. But it's so much better than staying in the dark, trying to balance my queerness and mormonism, trying to fit the mold but always sticking out. I know I made the right choice.
#Link to this answer of 'Why don't you leave the mormon church alone?' by Amethyst Why don't you leave the mormon church alone? See more answers about 'Why don't you leave the mormon church alone?'
"If you're not angry, you're not paying attention."
Because evil wants you to stay neutral, to let it grow and thrive. The rise of christian nationalism is testifying of this. The mormon church is evil. I will not sit back and watch as it tears families apart. I will not stay silent about the abuse children have suffered at their hands. I will not ignore them as they hurt women and BIPOC and queer people.
#Link to this answer of 'What does the Mormon church teach about LGBT people?' by Amethyst What does the Mormon church teach about LGBT people? See more answers about 'What does the Mormon church teach about LGBT people?'
They used to teach that it is possible to "cure" LGBTQ people of their attraction, but don't teach that anymore. "The Family: A Proclamation to the world" states "We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife." and "We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity [including same gender marriage], who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets." The church has attempted to end gay marriage many times. It's one of the things I hate the most about mormonism.
On transgender people the general handbook states: "Worthy individuals who do not pursue surgical, medical, or social transition away from their biological sex at birth may enjoy all the privileges of Church membership...Church leaders counsel against pursuing surgical, medical, or social transition away from one’s biological sex at birth."
It should be noted that according to the mormon gospel, as gay marriage is seen as an abomination in the sight of the lord, queer married people are going straight to the telestial kingdom when they die, along with liars, thieves, adulterers, murderers, etc. They will be unable to be with God or Jesus Christ because they commited the great sin of falling in love.
#Link to this answer of 'Is the Mormon church a cult?' by Amethyst Is the Mormon church a cult? See more answers about 'Is the Mormon church a cult?'
If you look at the BITE model and the characteristics of a cult, yes. I would say that the splinter groups are definitely cults, but the mainstream church still qualifies. I was brainwashed and traumatized so much that I was terrified of accidentally drinking coffee or alcohol because I thought it would make me impure. They controlled every aspect of my life. I had to give my money, my mind, my soul to them.
#Link to this answer of 'What are the biggest misconceptions about Mormons?' by Amethyst What are the biggest misconceptions about Mormons? See more answers about 'What are the biggest misconceptions about Mormons?'
That you can easily talk them out of their religon. That if you show them solid evidence, they'll change their minds. Most of the time, mormons are so brainwashed that no matter how much evidence you have, they'll either 1) dismiss it as anti mormon lies, 2) attempt to refute it with very weak apologetics, or 3) start whining at you to "respect their religon."
#Link to this answer of 'Did you want to sin? Is that why you left?' by Amethyst Did you want to sin? Is that why you left? See more answers about 'Did you want to sin? Is that why you left?'
If accepting my identity is a sin. then heck yeah.
#Link to this answer of 'Does the Mormon church protect sexual predators?' by Amethyst Does the Mormon church protect sexual predators? See more answers about 'Does the Mormon church protect sexual predators?'
I didn't even realize the church had such a horrendous sexual abuse rate until I started doing my own research. So many awful stories. It makes me sick reading about what the victims had gone through. How could the church I had been raised to believe was good do that? As I began to look into my childhood, it became more and more disturbing. I am very lucky to not have been sexually abused or asked sexually explicit questions, but I was taught that a grown man asking me deeply personal and sexual questions was okay, and that I had to answer him. I was groomed. This realization hit me like a lightning bolt.
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