Did you ever question your sexuality or gender in the church? How you identify now?

I admit I picked this question to answer because the way the mormons deal with any other sexuality besides heterosexuality is both amusing and sad.

I also wanted to share my stories in regards to being not straight and growing up mormon.

Okay, so I'm bisexual, we've established that.

Yes, I questioned my sexuality. I questioned it over and over!

The first time I became aware of it has become a core memory, and it happened at church, so it is relevant to the topic of mormonism and my experience with the church.

I was about 12 or 13, so I had started puberty and was beginning to get those whirlwind teenager crushes. We had a Sunday school lesson on homosexuality, and if I remember right, I did not know anything about homosexuality before that lesson. It was a brand-new concept to me.

The lesson was as basic as "So there are boys that like boys and girls that like girls, but God says that's a sin because he made boys to like girls and girls to like boys so they can get married and make babies. If a boy marries a boy, they can't make babies, and that'd bad."

I was so shocked by that, it's funny. When I got home I was like, "All I ever did when I played pretend with my toys was imagine the girls with the boys and the boys with the girls but there are OTHER combinations that sinners came up with?!"

Back in the classroom though, before I got home, I discovered something else. Right as I had grasped this basic concept of there being more than one kind of sexuality that people experience, the door opened. In walked a new girl that I had never seen. Her name was Mary. The first thing I thought of when I saw her was: "Wow, she's so pretty."

And she was. Immaculate makeup for a 13-year-old, hair the color of milk chocolate at about bob length, a soft voice, and deep, dark eyes like a deer's. I think her eyes were dark brown. They might have been blue.

But wait! Did I LIKE her? Already? Was I... A sinner? A... A lesbian?

I had no concept at that time that people could actually also like both men and women and all genders, so I thought you were either a lesbian or a "normal" person. I had only ever liked boys before. Thus, I panicked, and my confusion began.

I shoved whatever those feelings were as deep into the unknown darkness of my brain as I could, and as a blush rose to my cheeks I somehow invited Mary to sit next to me. She did. She was a shy, introverted person, like I was. She just didn't have the ADHD to make her seem louder, like I did.

To my memory I was awkward the whole time, but I asked Mary her name and found out later she knew karate. I have always loved ninjas and I thought and still think marshal arts are fucking awesome.

So yes, I developed a secret crush on Mary.

I found out later that my inviting her to sit in class meant a lot to her and when we were at girl's camp (youth church camp for only teenage girl) in the summer, she stood up during testimonies around the campfire the last night before the end of camp, and said that I had made her feel so welcome at church and that she'd really needed a friend. She even cried over it.

I remember feeling confused that she saw me as a friend since I'd only talked to her here and there because I'd actually avoided her as much as I could without making it obvious. I didn't want to not be her friend or anything, I was just crazy smitten by her and I didn't want to blush in her presence.

Maybe Mary liked me back, who knows. I didn't think I was very pretty since I had glasses and didn't know much about doing my hair or makeup. I had only brothers and I usually hung with the boys as a teen. But I still to this day have wondered why on earth she talked about me in front of everyone at camp, in front of me, and we never talked after that.

Anyway, I was terrified about telling my parents I also liked girls as well as boys so at first I didn't tell them. Then I asked hypothetically what they would do IF I liked girls. Their answer gave me enough bravery to then tentatively suggest that *maybe* I liked girls to my mom. It was more of a question, really. Like, "Do I like girls? Here's some evidence to suggest that maybe I do," and my mom was like, "Ohhhh, you don't like girls, that's just platonically finding them aesthetically pleasing."

No, I in fact did get nervous in a different way around some of my female friends that was not in fact platonic attraction. It was romantic attraction.

Sadly for years I let my mom gaslight me because I did not want to be a bisexual mormon. I wanted to believe I didn't like women that way. I brought up my worries for years and still my mom insisted on dismissing it.

I finally came to grips with my reality after I got married to my wonderful husband. I shared my embarrassing "secret" with hin, and he considered it with me for a while before saying, "I think you might actually be bi." I of course checked to make sure that he wasn't bothered by that if that were the case, reassuring him that it did not mean that I didn't love him or would find him any less attractive, and he reassured me that he actually found it cute that I was also attracted to women.

I felt very validated and relieved, since I had thought about it for so long and had so many other experiences that I felt like I couldn't hide it anymore. Coming out was a good feeling. My hope is that many more people can feel that way about their own sexualities in the future.

rainbowaxolotl

Yes, I did, and thanks to the church's shitty treatment of the LGBTQIA I stayed silent about it for years because I was afraid of judgement. (Thanks for the religous trauma, LDS inc!) How do I identify now? It's kind of complicated. When people ask I usually tell them I'm lesbian or queer because those are good umbrella terms for my identity. But to be a bit more specific, I am an aromantic asexual who feels queerplatonic attraction and possibly some romantic attraction to women and nonbinary aligned genders. I am a demigirl, which means I feel partially nonbinary and partially female, if that makes any sense. I use she/her and they/them pronouns but I am comfortable with xey/xem and most other neopronouns as well. Make sense? Of course not. I use these labels to express myself and feel a sense of identity and wholeness, not to seem special or quirky.

amethystp