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Hi, I'm Olivia.

I'm a paramedic and love learning and helping people however I can. I was a mormon.

livandletlive profile image for wasmormon.org

    About me

    I was born in Utah in the church and spent 22 years trying my best to fit into it and belong. My whole family was mormon, except for a great grandmother who drank coffee and a couple aunts and uncles I rarely saw and didn't know well. The church meant everything to my parents, but there were always pieces of it I could never reconcile with.

    On my shelf

    • tithing spending
    • LGBTQ issues
    • polygamy
    • Book of Mormon anachronisms
    • polyandry
    • book of mormon origin and translation
    • eternal family
    • Heavenly Mother
    • blacks and the priesthood
    • blind faith
    • temple garments
    • temple endowment
    • worthiness interviews
    • the word of wisdom
    • authority

    On the Mormon Spectrum

    • Atheist

    # Why I left More stories of 'Why I left' the Mormon church

    When I was a teenager, I had a typical rebellious phase where I didn't want to be involved in anything church related. I remember fighting with my parents because I was supposed to go do baptisms for the dead for mutual and I was refusing to go. Eventually I lashed out and yelled at them that I wouldn't go because I didn't believe. Back then, however, that was a lie- I always thought to myself during that stage of my life that I 'knew' it was true but that I wished it wasn't. Spirituality brought me no joy and I always felt like everyone was just faking it as they went because that's what I was doing. I hated church activities and my parents getting me to voluntarily participate in things like scripture study was like pulling molars. The idea of having to live forever was abhorrent to me- I just hated it all.

    I don't know what changed, but it was probably due to peer pressure from family and friends that that stage didn't last long. I threw myself full on into the church the way my family wanted. I went to BYU for my undergrad, served in young single adult relief society presidencies, and even took out my endowments at 21 without serving a mission or being engaged. I was the kind of person who would have spiritual talks with my friends for fun and would even go sit on the temple grounds singing hymns together.

    That all changed again, very rapidly considering how devout I was for so long. At the beginning of 2020, I had the realization that I was bisexual. I spent a few weeks frantically researching to try to find fellow bisexual mormons, and initially came to the conclusion that I could still be accepted if I only married a man and never explored that other side of me.

    That stage didn't last long. My shelf was already splintering. One day in my research, I came across the story of Sam Young and his Protect LDS Children campaign. That was the real beginning of the end for me, and within a matter of days, my shelf was broken. I learned things about the church I'd never known before, I found To A Mormon Man, Letter For My Wife, the CES Letter. It was all over.

    Most importantly, I got tired of trying to cut off the pieces of myself that would never fit into the box the church had designated for me.

    It was some relief that church was canceled in person during covid. However, the real issue was that I was still attending BYU at that point. I knew I couldn't bring myself to go to church again with how angry I was, and so I had a plan- I chose to work my one, 24 hour shift a week on Sundays, pretending I had no choice but to work that day due to scheduling. It was only because of this, and finding new community volunteering as an EMT on campus, that I survived those final couple years at BYU. I lost all the friends I had apart from coworkers and fellow volunteers, including friendships I'd had since before I could remember. But I made it out.

    I graduated without being caught by the Honor Code Office, and I've never looked back. I went to UVU to get my paramedic license and I currently work as both a firefighter and a paramedic with many of my coworkers also being ex mormon. The things I've seen in my admittedly short career have, to me, confirmed the lack of a caring higher power I was raised to believe in.

    I love drinking coffee and alcohol without any guilt. I have piercings and tattoos without shame. I wear what I want, when I want. I'm not ashamed of my sexuality, and I even enjoy doing boudoir photoshoots sometimes! My money is mine to do with as I want and need, and any volunteering or donating is done out of desire rather than peer pressure. I know that religion isn't what makes a person good or bad, and even though I'm still angry at the church, even though my family is still deep in the church with the exception of one of my older brothers, I try to keep my resentment from running my life.

    Questions about Mormons My Answers to Questions about Mormonism

    #Link to this answer of 'Are you happy?' by livandletlive Are you happy? See more answers about 'Are you happy?'

    I'm the happiest I've ever been. After years of dealing with depression, self worth issues, and suicidal thoughts, I'm finally at peace with who I am and where I am.

    Spotlight on livandletlive

    • "I was born in Utah in the church and spent 22 years trying my best to fit into it and belong. My whole family was mormon, except for a great grandmother who drank coffee and a couple aunts and uncles I rarely saw and didn't know well. The church meant everything to my parents, but there were always pieces of it I could never reconcile with. I'm a paramedic and love learning and helping people however I can. I was a mormon." - Olivia's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/livandletlive/
    • "When I was a teenager, I had a typical rebellious phase where I didn't want to be involved in anything church related. I remember fighting with my parents because I was supposed to go do baptisms for the dead for mutual and I was refusing to go. Eventually I lashed out and yelled at them that I wouldn't go because I didn't believe. Back then, however, that was a lie - I always thought to myself during that stage of my life that I 'knew' it was true but that I wished it wasn't. Spirituality brought me no joy and I always felt like everyone was just faking it as they went because that's what I was doing. I hated church activities and my parents getting me to voluntarily participate in things like scripture study was like pulling molars." - Olivia's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/livandletlive/
    • "I don't know what changed, but it was probably due to peer pressure from family and friends that that stage didn't last long. I threw myself full on into the church the way my family wanted. I went to BYU for my undergrad, served in young single adult relief society presidencies, and even took out my endowments at 21 without serving a mission or being engaged. I was the kind of person who would have spiritual talks with my friends for fun and would even go sit on the temple grounds singing hymns together." - Olivia's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/livandletlive/
    • "That all changed again, very rapidly considering how devout I was for so long. At the beginning of 2020, I had the realization that I was bisexual. I spent a few weeks frantically researching to try to find fellow bisexual mormons, and initially came to the conclusion that I could still be accepted if I only married a man and never explored that other side of me." - Olivia's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/livandletlive/
    • "That stage didn't last long. My shelf was already splintering. One day in my research, I came across the story of Sam Young and his Protect LDS Children campaign. That was the real beginning of the end for me, and within a matter of days, my shelf was broken. I learned things about the church I'd never known before, I found To A Mormon Man, Letter For My Wife, the CES Letter. It was all over. Most importantly, I got tired of trying to cut off the pieces of myself that would never fit into the box the church had designated for me." - Olivia's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/livandletlive/
    • "It was some relief that church was canceled in person during covid. However, the real issue was that I was still attending BYU at that point. I knew I couldn't bring myself to go to church again with how angry I was, and so I had a plan - I chose to work my one, 24 hour shift a week on Sundays, pretending I had no choice but to work that day due to scheduling. It was only because of this, and finding new community volunteering as an EMT on campus, that I survived those final couple years at BYU. I lost all the friends I had apart from coworkers and fellow volunteers, including friendships I'd had since before I could remember. But I made it out." - Olivia's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/livandletlive/
    • "I graduated without being caught by the Honor Code Office, and I've never looked back. I went to UVU to get my paramedic license and I currently work as both a firefighter and a paramedic with many of my coworkers also being ex mormon. The things I've seen in my admittedly short career have, to me, confirmed the lack of a caring higher power I was raised to believe in." - Olivia's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/livandletlive/
    • "I love drinking coffee and alcohol without any guilt. I have piercings and tattoos without shame. I wear what I want, when I want. I'm not ashamed of my sexuality, and I even enjoy doing boudoir photoshoots sometimes! My money is mine to do with as I want and need, and any volunteering or donating is done out of desire rather than peer pressure. I know that religion isn't what makes a person good or bad, and even though I'm still angry at the church, even though my family is still deep in the church with the exception of one of my older brothers, I try to keep my resentment from running my life." - Olivia's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/livandletlive/
    • "I'm the happiest I've ever been. After years of dealing with depression, self worth issues, and suicidal thoughts, I'm finally at peace with who I am and where I am." - Olivia's "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/livandletlive/
    • This is a spotlight on a profile shared at wasmormon.org. These are just the highlights, so please find Olivia's full story at https://wasmormon.org/profile/livandletlive/. There are hundreds more stories of Mormon faith journeys contributed by users like you. Come check them out and consider sharing your own story at wasmormon.org!
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    Though this site discusses mormonism, topics related to mormons, the mormon church and people who refer to themselves as unorthodox mormons, ex-mormons, post-mormons or any other form of wasmormon, it is not officially affiliated with or managed by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or even the Corporation of the Presiding Bishop. They don't want to be called mormon anymore anyways. All of the content, stories or opinions expressed, implied or included in this site are solely credited to those sharing their own personal stories and not those of Intellectual Reserve, Inc. or The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

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