Hey! I'm Chelsea

Where to begin this long and complex story? The very first time I had an issue with church leadership was when I was 16 years old and brought into my bishop's office to have a check-in "interview" where we talked about driving and, of course, dating. The two big milestones when you turn 16! I remember feeling so excited about those two new privileges. My bishop talked to me about general safety and joked that he would stay off the roads for a little while. Then we started talking about dating. He advised me to go out in groups and never be alone with a boy. Then he said something that resonated with me negatively. He said "please make sure that you dress in a way that will not distract any young man from straying from the path" I didn't mind dressing modestly so that was fine, but why was it MY responsibility to keep HIM from going off the path? My bishop has good counsel, so I decide to push my feelings aside and just listen. My first item on the shelf.

A few months later, we got a new bishop in my ward. He was older than the last one so I had a couple more items added to my shelf as I stayed in this ward. I was about to be a YCL at girls' camp. One of my leaders had asked me to give a lesson on self-worth and to include a small thing about purity because it might be less awkward coming from someone the girls really look up to. I said I would and looked for examples. All I could find were terrible things involving fear. So I changed my plan and didn't tell anyone. I start my lesson and go through the importance of standing up for what you believe in and determining your own worth for yourself. I pulled out a brand new $20 bill and started to ask the girls what they would buy with it. After they gave me their answers, I crumpled it, stomped on it, rubbed it in the dirt, tore a small piece off of a corner, and taped it back together. I turned back and asked, "now what can you buy with this?" They all looked confused and gave me the same answers. I told them that it didn't matter how dirty, broken, or crumpled they felt, they would always be worth the same amount. The female leaders thought it was great, but the priesthood leader who was listening did not and immediately called my bishop. The next Sunday, I got called into my bishop's office and he was very upset with me. I did not follow the teachings of the church and that "was simply unacceptable." He told me I needed to apologize to the girls' parents for telling them things that didn't coincide with our leaders. I told him no and asked him to go and ask the girls who were in my group how the lesson made them feel instead. What did I do that was so bad? I walked out of his office and thought that maybe I should have just done what they asked so I wouldn't have gotten in trouble. Guilt started to set in and I didn't tell anyone. Another heavy item on my shelf.

Almost 2 years later, I was about to graduate from high school. I was the Laurel president and managed to not make any more waves since I got in a lot of trouble. Every time I felt the need to question something or speak up about something I disagreed with, I forced myself to push it aside because that feeling of guilt hit me. More little items were added to my shelf over those years. The Sunday before we all graduated, our bishop came in to talk to our class about our next steps. It was filled with the most misogynistic bullshit I had ever heard! He told us that we would all be wives and mothers before we knew it (nothing about education except that it MIGHT be a good idea in case something happened to our husbands). He told us that we needed to make sure that our appearance was desirable and reminded us to maintain that in our marriages. He told us that we should wake up before our husbands and make sure we look pretty for them, make sure to get everything ready that they need for the day and make sure they have a nice clean home to come home to every day. I can't make this up and oh boy did my mom have some things to say to him after church! I didn't want to get in trouble so I just set it aside yet again. More things for my shelf.

In 2017, right after I had graduated high school, I did what most girls in the church did and headed off to BYU-I. Before I left I had been in a relationship for over a year with a boy who was about to serve a mission. His whole family told me that I "better not distract him by going on dates at BYU-I DO"......

I left for school in January, he left for his mission in March, I helped him break mission rules so we could talk every night through a word document, and I stayed very true to my word. The plan was for us to get married and be together for all of time and eternity, right? I slowly realized that I was meant for more than a small-town life and being with him would not help me reach my full potential. I broke it off and with time, we both wished each other the best.

When I came home from school, my parents told me that they were going to be taking some time a part for a while. They ended up divorcing at the end of 2018. I was 20 years old, and just watched my past and future fall apart in just one year. So I dove further into the church just praying and hoping that it would be the thing to save me. I was the best mormon. I was attending institute classes, my local YSA ward, I went to FHE, only hung out with the friends I made in church, prayed all the time, and I was reading my scriptures more than I had in my entire life. I needed something to hold onto and make me feel like it was all going to be okay and I would be happy again.

When nothing worked and I hit my lowest, I asked to meet with my bishop and cried to him for an hour about everything I had been going through. And I will never forget what he said to me. He said, "As your bishop, I will tell you to have faith, keep doing what you are doing, and offer you a blessing. But as your friend, I think it would be a good idea to seek guidance from a professional counselor."

So I did. I learned a lot about myself with my counselor. I also was still attending church and activities pretending like the church was healing me. I so badly wanted to be happy and be mormon. I just wasnt getting there. So in 2020, when an opportunity to move to Utah arrived for me, I jumped at it. New place, stronger influence, I could do it. Then the world shut down because of the pandemic and suddenly, I couldn't establish new connections with people.

2020 was such a difficult year for everyone. That year I learned so much about mysrlf and the church. The leaders of the church had the ability and the resources to help a lot of people through the pandemic and actively chose not to. There were so many things that the leaders were doing that didn't feel right to me, especially towards the LGBTQ+ community in Provo.

That year I realized that who I was and what was going to make me truly happy no longer aligned with the LDS church. I so badly wanted to be happy and be a good mormon. But I couldn't. My shelf broke, I realized how much more harm than good all of my own experiences caused. I knew I could not be happy in this religion anymore.

From there, I got my letter from Quitmormon.com, followed all of the steps, and I left. There is not a day that goes by where I experience any kind of regret with leaving. You do find true joy and happiness outside of the church despite how much they try to convince you otherwise. You get to move forward with your life and be who are meant to be. It is okay to walk away.