Hi, I’m Alan.

I always struggled with the history and lack of proof surrounding the Book of Mormon. I was able to leave that on my shelf waiting for the day that the evidence would be found. I knew a day would come that a bunch of buried swords would be found proving it was all true. In late 2015 I was talking to a fellow soldier during our monthly national guard assignment. He was expressing concern with a new policy excluding children of LGBT members from becoming members. It hadn’t really bothered me prior since no one I knew was affected. He had a family member that had been closeted and married to a female trying to start a family. He came out and got divorced and started a relationship with another man but continued to live the faith as much as possible. When my friend told me the story of how his family member would not be permitted to baptize their children it put a face to the abusive nature of the policy. That was the beginning of the end of my testimony. I told my wife and she did not take it well. So I continued going and going… for years. I stopped taking callings unless they directly impacted my kids. Primary pianist is easily the best calling in the church. I still went to Elders Quorum but instead of listening to someone read me the manual I would read books on my phone. I never again brought up the loss of faith in the church with my wife. At the end of 2018 one of the counselors of the bishopric confronted us to have tithing settlement. I had been avoiding them for years but this time I couldn’t, he already had my wife and kids in the office with the bishop. When the bishop asked if we were full tithe payers my wife said yes. The bishop looked at my statement and saw the $0 my wife freaked out. That night was not pleasant. It was the first time in years we had brought up the problems I had with the church. We went for another year until COVID hit. During that time of at home church my wife was able to really deconstruct enough and we were never really active again. We returned after COVID a couple of times but all the lessons never really resonated with us. We could see it for what it was and stopped attending completely going on three years now.