Hello, I'm Penelope Clearwater.
I was as true and believing of a Mormon as I could be.
About me
I was born into the Church. As an 8, 9, 10 year old I shared Books of Mormon with my friends. When I was 11 I developed OCD, which meant I lived as a very stressed sister missionary from ages 11-19. I proselyted in my high school and went on splits and prayed and studied scriptures for hours and hours and hours and obsessed over whether I would go to Hell. Then I was diagnosed several years ago. It was a slow fade out from there to a much healthier frame of mind. I began to live according to my conscience more than according to what the adults in my life told me. Although I was happier, I began to see that the Church was harming me and those I care about by deeply ingraining messages of sexism and homophobia and "my family before others" into us. Although it hurt me and caused me endless shame, I felt bound to live according to Church policy because it was God's One True Church.
# Why I left More stories of 'Why I left' the Mormon church
For a long time I struggled, but then someone close to me said they were leaving the church. It caused me to reflect on where I wanted to be with much more urgency. I tried to listen to Conference to make me feel better and it sucked. And then I went to a ward campout and testimony meeting sucked and got painfully political. Then the same story for a couple more fast Sundays.
I listened to a YouTube pastor to try to fill the spiritual void church wasn't filling. And I would feel dread whenever something church related showed up on my feed. The pastor reviewed a book called something like "sick and tired of apologizing for a church I don't belong to" and that resonated with me.
Eventually I looked up some questions I had about Joseph Smith and other things. It didn't look good. I had 95% decided to leave, then I read the CES letter and that finished me off.
I plan to remove my records this week and I'm terrified to tell my family. Others have left and they have been kind to them, so maybe they will too even though I've always been the golden child.
I've decided I'd rather worship a God of love instead of a fake one that oppresses the vulnerable. Jesus wouldn't have done that.
Questions about Mormons My Answers to Questions about Mormonism
#Link to this answer of 'What do you believe now?' by Penelope Clearwater What do you believe now? See more answers about 'What do you believe now?'
I'm not super sure. I know there's a God, and I've had specific experiences with him I hold to. I know there's an afterlife and family members on the other side.
I believe there is something good and just in the universe that encourages us to be kinder and have more independence than chimpanzees. (No offense to chimpanzees).