My name is Alex Stout
and I’m an Ex Mormon
About me
I’ve actually been solidly an atheist since last Winter semester, but the process began in earnest years before that, and the first indications are among my oldest memories. In CTR 6 or 7, my Mom was once the substitute teacher, and she gave a lesson on giving your testimony. She wrote “I know the church is true” on the board and called on me to say it. I refused, because I was not aware of any such knowledge, and I didn’t want to lie. I got in a bit of trouble for this. I never thought I knew the church was true–not for sure. And later when various things led to an active search for truth, I could not find a single person who could tell me how they actually knew the church was true–how do you know the feeling was the spirit? Nothing was logically convincing. I questioned various avenues, getting so anxious that I simply wanted to have the answer, so I allowed myself to consider the possibility that the church was not true. Once that was on the table, things started lining up.
# Why I left More stories of 'Why I left' the Mormon church
The issue of faith was the problem, and the basic form of faith and the foundation of all the religion I knew was a faith in God. Now I could understand the idea of trusting God–but to trust that he existed seemed unreasonable. I familiarized myself with the arguments for and against God’s existence, and I found that there was absolutely no convincing argument that God was there. In fact, I found no reason to believe at all. Learning more about psychology and later anthropology made me realize just how simple it would be for masses of people to fool themselves into all sorts of states of mind, including a witness of the spirit. I’d even experienced such a feeling when dealing with a matter which made apparent that I had created the feeling myself–and this obvious impostor was as strong as any supposedly real spiritual experience I’d known. Then of course there was the fact that many people from many contradictory religions had similar convictions–with no outside reference, how could I trust the nature of my own experience?
In a final act of exhaustion, I directly attempted “Moroni’s Challenge” for weeks, until the obvious futility of my efforts broke the chain and I gave in to my reason’s demand to accept a godless universe. This was last February, 2010. I’d been some sort of deist for a year or so before that. For a while I was depressed, jealous of those who could still believe. I thought to myself that ignorance was bliss and that my nature condemned me to misery, and if God were real after all, to damnation. The emotional threat of God still lingered in my mind. My comfort was that any good God could not condemn me–but this was also taken when I realized the only God possible would either be a great deceiver, both inept and cruel, or an extremely limited God of the afterlife or of creation alone (a deistic God). My recent theology would have been describing the former. Further exploration solidified in my mind all the details and reasons that convinced me that the idea of God is so unlikely it is nearly impossible, certainly not worth worrying about. Examination of my sense of morality followed. I realized that not only could I not justify my moral beliefs, but I never did have any logical foundation. I’ve since found my own footing.
Critical evaluation of all my assumptions cascaded, and I found who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. Truth became my only guide–I attempt to be a philosopher–and I vowed to keep true to myself–I attempt to be an artist. Despite the church’s warnings of heartache and misery, I’m now happier than I ever have been, even surrounded by those who would reject me. I have a sense of purpose, a driving force curiously absent before. Now missing from the back of my mind are undertones of guilt and anger. I have a greater appreciation for this one life I have, and I see nature and hear music and feel sensation like never before. I’ve discovered passions that I previously dismissed off-hand. I’ve become socially aware, and I have more fulfilling connections with those around me. Even my poetry has vastly improved.
I will not hide if I do not have to, and I will not apologize for my persistence in truth-seeking. And so it is that I will officially leave the church as soon as I can, and I expect an even greater sense of freedom and purpose to follow. I am now of the opinion that religion, in every dogmatic form, is both dangerous to society and harmful to the self. I don’t want to push anyone, but I hope you will consider what I’ve written, and don’t be afraid to question anything.
My name is Alex Stout and I’m an Ex Mormon.