The shelf breaking is a demoralizing, crushing experience. What hurt the most was the feeling that I had nowhere to turn. Looking back I see the extreme cultural pressure on people to stay active, to "stay in the boat", to stay away from "anti-mormon" influences. This builds an unhealthy community of fear, judgment, and shame for anyone who feels on the fringes. What's worse is this is the community that I had given everything to. Feeling betrayed about the control of information was hard, but feeling like the community I gave my life to had no place for me was even worse.
image or book of mormon translation process from south park, Joseph smith with his head in a hat looking at a peep stone and dictating to martin harris with the caption "And that's how the book of mormon was written"
joseph smith putting stones into hat to read to martin harris in book of mormon translation from south park
For the Church to remain strong it has to reconstruct its narrative. The dominant narrative is not true; it can’t be sustained. - Richard Bushman, a Mormon Historian
But therapy and many long, raw talks with my husband have helped. I have come to the realization that we all have confirmation bias, and ultimately most of our beliefs are just that–ideas that we come up with to make ourselves feel better or to motivate ourselves. So now my new journey is examining my beliefs and deciding which ones serve me and which don’t.
It's really effing hard to live your whole life with certainty and then to come to the realization that it's all an illusion.