Is there only one way to be an ex-Mormon?

No, there is not only one way to be an ex-Mormon.

For many of us who lost their belief in Mormonism, this loss is comparable to the loss of a loved one. As someone who was born into the religion, church participation was always a central part of my upbringing. My parents would take us to church every Sunday, and wake us up before school every day for scripture study. Each night we would have family prayer, and participate in several church-sponsored activities throughout the week (mid-week youth activities and daily seminary).

For believing members, the church serves as a refuge from the evils of the world and is almost like an extra member of the family.

As the cracks start to form, and the testimony breaks, it can feel as though someone close to you has died. This brings a lot of grief.
The 5 stages of grief are denial, anger bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages aren't always sequential, and it is possible to move back and forth between stages.

As my testimony shattered, I exhibited emotions of over-zealous behaviors and church activity in an effort to deny what I had discovered about the church and put the pieces of my testimony back together. I grew angry at the church for the dishonest history I had been spoon fed and the general unethical behavior by the general leadership of the church. I bargained with the Lord and pleaded for forgiveness because of my "blindness" and begged for the church to be true. I became incredibly depressed because I felt like I had lost my safety net and spiritual assurance that everything would be ok after I died. Likewise, I feared for the loss of my family. What would they think if they knew I no longer believed. I eventually reached a period of acceptance wherein I am happy and comfortable not knowing what comes next and have learned to more deeply appreciate what I have now (my family, etc.).

I still travel back and forth between these stages. For this reason, I may still be angry at times, I may be content at times, I may be inquisitive at times, and I may be apathetic at times. My emotions are valid and matter.

It can be hurtful when those who leave the religion are labeled as prideful, sinful, or lacking in faith. The best advice I can give to those deconstructing is to prove the unkind members wrong and not become the stereotype that they believe you to be.

curtishartley

Hell no. I know exmo's that don't drink coffee. I know asexual exmo's. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to exmormonism, and claiming there is is equivalent to church thinking

bakiraka01

The majority of exmos lose all faith. My wife did. Mormonism really does a number on people.

You get to find your own path. And take your time. There is a big world out there. I spent 10 years exploring various faith traditions before choosing one. I was not sure I would choose a new faith. For a long time I figured on just doing my own thing, without an organization or a defined path. Eventually I decided that spirituality requires community, and I found a tradition that made sense to me and that matched my needs. I don't think it is "the one true church" or that it gets to lay claim to me--my brain, my time, my money--I have certain boundaries now, after Mormonism.

Some suggestions:

Don't assume that what Mormonism taught you is correct: about God, about Christianity, about scripture. There are other ways of thinking about God, about the Bible, about why we are here, etc. Be open to learning new ways of thinking.

Don't read one book and assume you have all the answers. Explore different viewpoints. Don't replace the Mormons telling you how to think with someone else telling you how to think.

It is a big world out there. Mormonism is so small and insignificant. My search passed through Taoism, Buddhism, Judaism, Universalism, and a variety of Christian options. I read history and Biblical scholarship and devotional texts. I attended a variety of services. Explore! It is fascinating, all the ways that humanity has expressed its desire for meaning and for community.

Many exmos feel anger, or bitterness. This is justified--we were lied to, exploited, abused by an organization that claimed to represent God and goodness. Feel those feelings if you need to. But keep in mind that they *did not represent God*. Don't let their lies and abuses cut you off from the real goodness that is out there.

frank

There’s an infinite amount of ways to be ex Mormon. Whether you switch religions to Protestant or Islam, or become an atheist like me. Whether you leave it behind and not look back or you reach a hand out to help those wanting to leave. There’s no one way to be it.

greensockninja