Hi, my name is Wes

I was born and raised in a devout Mormon home but questioned it from a very early age. The first incident I recall that caused me confusion happened in grade school. Growing up in Portland, Oregon during the 80’s, I was the only Mormon kid in my grade. Somehow, one of my classmates learned that I came from a Mormon family and posed the following question to me: “How many moms do you have?” He was clearly making fun of me, but I didn’t have even the slightest idea of what he was talking about.

Later, I asked my dad what this kid was talking about and got the following response: “Well, that’s something people in the church did a long time ago and there was a time and a place for it, but we don’t do it anymore. Don’t worry about it right now, you’re too young to understand, but someday you will.” His words not only left me unsatisfied, but even more confused and troubled. It made no sense to me at all that such a thing would ever be a good idea and the whole thing just seemed very odd to begin with.

The next few incidents took place as an adolescent. The first was in deacon’s quorum. Here’s how that conversation went:

Me: “Who made God?”
Deacon’s Quorum President: “His father.”
Me: “Who made him?”
Deacon’s Quorum President: “His father.”
Me: “Who made him?”
Deacon’s Quorum President: “His father.”
Me: “Then who was the first father?”
Deacon’s Quorum President: “There are some things we will never understand in this life.”
His answers sounded very familiar and they were just as unsatisfying as my dad’s. I began to wonder if and when I would ever understand any of these things that made absolutely no sense to me at all. This, combined with my utter dread of Sundays which meant 3 hours of sheer boredom in scratchy clothes, no playing with friends (my parents very strictly observed the Sabbath), and then family home evening (my dad worked nights during the week so we did it on Sunday) left me feeling pretty unenthusiastic about Mormonism. And then came the big one.

My dad told me about the pre-existence war in heaven and how people who were less valiant in the war had darker skin on earth. I had already suspected some potential racist leanings in our family when my dad forbade us from watching the show Good Times, but this was on a whole new level and I just wasn’t buying it. Shortly after this conversation, I sat down with both my parents and told them I did not believe in Mormonism and felt that I should not have to participate in it. My dad informed me that it was his duty to God to see to it that I did participate until I was 18 at which time I was free to do as I pleased. He said the conversation was now over. This caused serious conflict between us that continues to this day. I had my name removed in 1993 at age 19 after my dad continued sending home teachers to my apartment. He said this was better than remaining a member since I didn’t want to keep the commandments of the church and that God would go easier on me later. I got a letter from the church saying they regretted my decision and that I had 30 days to change my mind. I never did.

Due to my dad’s unwillingness to even consider what I had to say, I felt both dismissed and frustrated which was the perfect recipe for some good old fashioned adolescent rebellion. I chose an identity that was the polar opposite of what Mormonism sanctioned. It took me about 5 years before I realized that I had based my entire identity on a reaction which led me down some paths that started out both fun and exciting but ended much less so.

I found myself in a place of existential angst, feeling pretty alone in the world and started thinking about all the big questions (i.e. what is the meaning of life?). I decided I needed to look into Mormonism again to see why my parents (they were both converts who met at a church dance) joined. This was in 1995 when there was no internet so I went to the public library and found titles like Early Mormonism and the Magic Worldview by D. Michael Quinn and Wife No. 19 by Ann-Eliza Young. Needless to say, these books shocked me and just confirmed my original doubts about Mormonism.

Now I was in a position of certainty about what I did not believe but was uncertain about what I did believe. Due to the beautiful complexity I saw in the natural world, I believed there was a God but I had major problems with religion. Nonetheless, I looked into numerous different religions anyway just to see what was out there. Nothing really impressed me so I decided to read the Bible on my own with an open mind in order to see what I thought it meant rather than what someone else thought it meant. I was totally blown away by what I read. Several Old Testament books (Ecclesiastes, Proverbs, etc.) were very interesting and contained pretty deep wisdom that applied to me right where I was even though it was written thousands of years ago. In fact, the book of Ecclesiastes in particular very much reminded me of punk rock icon Henry Rollins, whom I had become a huge fan of.

In the New Testament, I was impressed with many things including Jesus' condemnation of the religious leaders of his day who frankly sounded very much like most of the Mormons (there were a few exceptions) I had grown up under. It was so refreshing to read that Jesus was not about religion! The way he treated people was amazing and after studying his life it seems highly unlikely to me that he was trying to start a new religion. There were also some passages about false prophets that seemed to be describing someone very much like Joseph Smith which I found worthy of note.

So, I concluded that Jesus was the real deal but that human beings had messed things up with religion. Thankfully, people came into my life who were not about religion, but rather were about relationship (Jesus' real message) and actually demonstrated the love of Christ (of course, not perfectly) in a way that was both transformative and healing. It took me awhile to trust they were for real but eventually I came around. My study of the Bible continued and as I came to understand the stunningly beautiful message of Jesus, who he really is and what he really came for, I learned just how much of a counterfeit gospel Mormonism really offered. A few years later, I began reading some books on counseling which deeply intrigued me.

There was something in me that hungered for a deeper knowledge of the human psyche and the problem of suffering. My interest grew and before I knew it, I was taking classes and writing papers. Little did I know that graduate school would be as personally disruptive as it was, especially in light of the fact that I had just gotten married a few weeks before my first class, not to mention moving to another state. The school I went to has the philosophy that counselors cannot be truly effective unless they have done their own deep personal work which has a major emphasis throughout the program. The phrase often heard there is, “You can’t help anyone go any further than you’re willing to go yourself.”

My study of Mormonism and spiritual abuse has also continued over the years. The fact is that the problems experienced by people in Mormonism are happening to people everywhere in all kinds of religious groups (non-religious groups too). It’s a difficult reality for many that needs more attention as well as more support. My hope is to be a part of both.

Since graduation I have been enjoying life in the Pacific Northwest with my two kids. I’ve attended numerous ex-mormon gatherings and events over the years and thoroughly enjoy conversation with those who have the courage to follow their convictions regardless of the price which is all too often quite high. As a non-religious follower of Jesus, I am usually in the minority at many of these functions, but hanging out among folks of differing perspectives is one of my favorite past times. I love it in much the same way that I love the works of people like Friedrich Nietzsche, who challenge me to examine what I really believe and force me to ask whether or not I am merely using God as a way to avoid facing unpleasant truths.

For more information visit: cautherscounseling.wixsite.com/…