Hi, my name is Wes

I was born and raised in a devout Mormon home but questioned it from a very early age. The first incident I recall that caused me confusion happened in grade school. Growing up in Portland, Oregon during the 80’s, I was the only Mormon kid in my grade. Somehow, one of my classmates learned that I came from a Mormon family and posed the following question to me: “How many moms do you have?” He was clearly making fun of me, but I didn’t have even the slightest idea of what he was talking about.

Later, I asked my dad what this kid was talking about and got the following response: “Well, that’s something people in the church did a long time ago and there was a time and a place for it, but we don’t do it anymore. Don’t worry about it right now, you’re too young to understand, but someday you will.” His words not only left me unsatisfied, but even more confused and troubled. It made no sense to me at all that such a thing would ever be a good idea and the whole thing just seemed very odd to begin with.

The next few incidents took place as an adolescent. The first was in deacon’s quorum. Here’s how that conversation went:

Me: “Who made God?”
Deacon’s Quorum President: “His father.”
Me: “Who made him?”
Deacon’s Quorum President: “His father.”
Me: “Who made him?”
Deacon’s Quorum President: “His father.”
Me: “Then who was the first father?”
Deacon’s Quorum President: “There are some things we will never understand in this life.”
His answers sounded very familiar and they were just as unsatisfying as my dad’s. I began to wonder if and when I would ever understand any of these things that made absolutely no sense to me at all. This, combined with my utter dread of Sundays which meant 3 hours of sheer boredom in scratchy clothes, no playing with friends (my parents very strictly observed the Sabbath), and then family home evening (my dad worked nights during the week so we did it on Sunday) left me feeling pretty unenthusiastic about Mormonism. And then came the big one.

My dad told me about the pre-existence war in heaven and how people who were less valiant in the war had darker skin on earth. I had already suspected some potential racist leanings in our family when my dad forbade us from watching the show Good Times, but this was on a whole new level and I just wasn’t buying it. Shortly after this conversation, I sat down with both my parents and told them I did not believe in Mormonism and felt that I should not have to participate in it. My dad informed me that it was his duty to God to see to it that I did participate until I was 18 at which time I was free to do as I pleased. He said the conversation was now over. This caused serious conflict between us that continues to this day. I had my name removed in 1993 at age 19 after my dad continued sending home teachers to my apartment. He said this was better than remaining a member since I didn’t want to keep the commandments of the church and that God would go easier on me later. I got a letter from the church saying they regretted my decision and that I had 30 days to change my mind. I never did.

Due to my dad’s unwillingness to even consider what I had to say, I felt both dismissed and frustrated which was the perfect recipe for some good old fashioned adolescent rebellion. I chose an identity that was the polar opposite of what Mormonism sanctioned. It took me about 5 years before I realized that I had based my entire identity on a reaction which led me down some paths that started out both fun and exciting but ended much less so.

I found myself in a place of existential angst, feeling pretty alone in the world and started thinking about all the big questions (i.e. what is the meaning of life?). I decided I needed to look into Mormonism again to see why my parents (they were both converts who met at a church dance) joined. This was in 1995 when there was no internet so I went to the public library and found titles like Early Mormonism and the Magic Worldview by D. Michael Quinn and Wife No. 19 by Ann-Eliza Young. Needless to say, these books shocked me and just confirmed my original doubts about Mormonism.

Now I was in a position of certainty about what I did not believe but was uncertain about what I did believe. Due to the beautiful complexity I saw in the natural world, I believed there was a God but I had major problems with religion. Nonetheless, I looked into numerous different religions anyway just to see what was out there. Nothing really impressed me so I decided to read the Bible on my own with an open mind in order to see what I thought it meant rather than what someone else thought it meant. I was totally blown away by what I read. Several Old Testament books (Ecclesiastes, Proverbs, etc.) were very interesting and contained pretty deep wisdom that applied to me right where I was even though it was written thousands of years ago. In fact, the book of Ecclesiastes in particular very much reminded me of punk rock icon Henry Rollins, whom I had become a huge fan of.

In the New Testament, I was impressed with many things including Jesus' condemnation of the religious leaders of his day who frankly sounded very much like most of the Mormons (there were a few exceptions) I had grown up under.

Around this time I joined the US Air Force and started attending a Bible study on base that was run by some well-meaning Protestants. I learned about the concept of grace and their understanding that Jesus offers everyone salvation if they make a one time decision to follow him.
I became pretty involved with this group and am grateful for their care for me at that time.

As time went on, I began to question certain Protestant doctrines, especially Penal Substitutionary Atonement (PSA), which says that the wrath of God was poured out on Jesus instead of humans. He took our place and endured the punishment that we deserved. The more I sat with it, the more troubling it was to me and the idea of grace that I was so initially attracted to, seemed to be very much diminished and even corrupted by the doctrine of PSA.

Eventually, I would discover that there was an entire branch of Christianity that I never even knew about called Eastern Orthodoxy. It has historic roots that go all the way back to Jesus and the Apostles. The doctrine of PSA came much later and is not an Orthodox teaching. I won't say much more about Orthodoxy other than that an early church father described the church as a spiritual hospital. I don't know about you, but my soul definitely needs a hospital and I have finally found rest (and many other treasures) in the Orthodox church.

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