Hi, my name is Mike!

Growing up in the church I believed most everything I was taught, from time to time something wouldn’t make sense and I would think about it for a moment then discard my concern to keep my mind pure. I remember wondering at a young age why we didn’t kill adulterers or blasphemers; the same person that god would have stoned ages back can now with a little time get a temple recommend and pursue an eternal partnership. I didn’t understand so I pushed it aside because I had a feeling that it was all true and I wasn’t going to let a little concern sideswipe my deep feelings. I served an honorable full time mission and sometimes people would talk to us missionaries about this fact or that fact that contradicted church teachings and I briskly ignored evidences levied at the church. I remember one fellow told me that the Smithsonian museum had evidence or information that proved The Book of Mormon false one way or another. I assured this misguided fellow that Heavenly father will reveal the evidence of The Book of Mormon’s truth at the second coming and that all the contrary evidence in the world will not overturn gods work.

The year I returned home from the mission I started reading philosophy; I was big into gaining knowledge and seeking truth. I read a bit of Rene Descartes and he proposed conducting a personal experiment to determine truth: discard all preconceptions and personal beliefs and look at the world with fresh eyes. Growing up I often thought about how grateful I was that I was born into the church because I knew that as a nonmember I wouldn’t believe the Joseph Smith story. This is why I did not attempt Descartes exercise because I knew that on a clean slate I wouldn’t return to the church. These thoughts scared me as a true believing member and I resolved to be as diligent as I could to do only those things that would be conducive to keeping the spirit with me.

My intended plan to redouble and be more devoted worked well; for a time I was able to deflect doubts and contrary evidence that came my way. My defensive walls came down in university while I was taking a philosophy of the brain class. The professor asked in class for believers in god to give reasons for god or the soul; I knew that my proof was my spiritual experiences and feelings of the Holy Ghost. I did not raise my hand because I anticipated the professor’s response: “and how can you be sure that is the Holy Ghost and not just your mind?” My honest answer to that question was “I don’t know.” As a side note, I did not like my philosophy instructor or enjoy the class because he made jokes against god, tore apart ideas of eternal life and showed evidence that pointed to a godless universe.

From then on I went to church with an open mind; it was as if I was finally accepting Descartes challenge to discard preconceptions and think critically about things. When I speak of being critical I do not wish to mean the negative notion associated with the term, rather it is to consider alternative explanations instead of freely accepting what is taught. Things said in church or concerning the church’s teachings began to scare me such as, the virtue of having complete faith in God to the point of taking life, and that greater credence is given to personal feelings over new and emerging evidence. I was lead to ponder revelations that I had received in my own life that made it only so far as the garbage can: I felt that I was going to be sent to Australia on my mission and I went to the states instead; my revealed ‘wife’ married someone else; and I observed significant priesthood blessings that seemed to be ignored even though I received spiritual witnesses that they would be fulfilled.

I was deeply bothered that the Lord would select a means of revealing truth that is so fallible and open to interpretation. Since I stopped believing in the gospel I have found that I still receive ‘spiritual promptings/confirmations’ that are in accord with my present belief system. I now find that I receive ‘feelings of the spirit’ when I hear something contrary to gospel teaching that resonates with my own musings; these experiences happen on a weekly basis.

I believe in being a good person, in treating others as they would want to be treated and in respecting others beliefs. I also believe that the measure of the depth of an individual is in how one relates with others and not in what he/she professes to believe. My name is Michael Golobic and I am an Ex Mormon.