Maria Schnurr

As to my current private background – in the fall of 2010, Henning and I moved to the bustling city of Cologne, the 4th largest city of Germany, located in the west on the Rhine river, and we love it here! And I’m pregnant, due with our first child, a boy, in May! While we’re preparing our home for our baby, we are also preparing our minds for raising it in liberty and love without the spiritual (and other) limitations of institutionalized religion.

A year ago I would not have guessed I would ever be an Ex-Mormon, especially not so soon. I believed most of what was preached, I felt comfortable at Church, we belonged to a nice ward, and had (and have) wonderful friends and family in the Church, so I had no intention of leaving the Church. The doctrinal issues that bothered me were put on a shelf and never made me question the “restored truth”. Among these were:

* Why does the Church hardly address important global issues (social disparities, poverty and hunger, organized crime, environmental destruction and climate change, global migration) and instead put so much effort into other, from a global perspective less important causes like homosexuality, pornography “addiction”, and the moral decline of the youth? I’ve been involved in foresight and sustainability consulting for some years now and have a pretty clear overview of the major global challenges humanity faces. I could never figure out how a Church led by a modern prophet could be so silent on these pressing issues.

* Why were blacks denied the Priesthood until 1978? If it was due to “culture” (i.e. American racism) as it was claimed by some Church leaders, why wasn’t the Church ahead of its time? After all, Jesus Christ never cared for the traditions of his time but rather stuck to his (or God’s) principles.

* Why do we have to be loyal to our government? It’s easy to be loyal to any of the Western democratic governments, but having grown up in socialist Eastern Germany I know how hard (and courageous and important) it is not to be loyal to your political leaders. In an act of civil disobedience, my parents left Eastern Germany because it suppressed free press and opinion and many more civil rights. So I think there is a cause for civil disobedience!

* Why did the Church practice polygamy in its beginnings – and will we have to practice it again in eternal life? Already for a few years I was thinking: I would rather not “live together with Heavenly Father” than having to practice polygamy in eternity. Polygamy in my opinion is the worst form of family life as studies and eyewitness reports from around the world show. And why should only males be allowed to marry plural wives, not the other way round? This never made sense to me. Polygamy, in my eyes, is just outright disgusting, serving the sexual desires of men.

* Why does the Church stress formalities and outward appearance so much if God only “looks at our heart”? I always thought he probably won‘t care whether I attend Sunday service in jeans instead of a skirt. Actually, at the time I got to know the Church 15 years ago, I did not even own a skirt or dress, I always had to borrow one.

* Why can‘t women lead the Church and hold the Priesthood? Why is their role reduced to the auxiliary organizations and the home? I don’t want to belittle women’s role as mothers as I will be one myself very soon, but I think they should have more options than just wife and mother.

* Why is the Church so patriotic, especially U.S.-patriotic while I‘m living in Germany and couldn’t care less about the U.S. and its dominant, aggressive politics and lifestyle? It really upset me some years ago when in General Conference they prayed for the American soldiers in Iraq – why would they not pray for all soldiers there, even the Iraqi ones, or even better: why did nobody pray for peace? Prayers for peace are even institutionalised in other churches, and Christ is called the “King of Peace” – why were any references to global peace missing in Church leaders’ rhetorics?

* Why did the Republicans, especially during the second election of this warmongering criminal George W. Bush, always get the highest votes in Utah?

I hoped to find satisfying answers to these questions one day. Even though I figured that there probably might be one or two things wrong about the Church’s history and teachings I would have never thought that I would soon find out that there are HUNDREDS of such problematic issues. This still leaves me bewildered, and every time I find out something more it’s hard for me to take. I feel a little betrayed; however I’m aware of the fact that most members and even top Church leaders are probably not aware of these issues. Therefore, I don’t hold a grudge against them.

Henning had harboured similar doubts for some years, but while I could put mine on the shelf for most of the time, Henning at some point couldn‘t bear it anymore. Last summer came a point in his life where he had to find out and went to Church-related sources like FARMS and FAIR. What he stumbled upon led him to the decision to leave the Church for good. He told me on the day I found out I was pregnant which I thought was not a perfect point of time but I would understand later. Of course I was sad about his decision but I accepted it – because Henning was sincere about it and already then I realized how much happier he was because he could finally follow his own conscience. I just wasn‘t quite ready to follow his path because 1) besides being pregnant I also was finishing my PhD thesis and we were about to move to Cologne because I had found a new job there, all of which did not leave much time for deeper doctrinal inquiries and 2) I felt comfortable at Church despite my doubts. Yet I wanted to understand Henning’s concerns and to study some of the materials that had pulled him off the Church. A couple weeks later, I eventually found the time and nerves to study and ponder for myself. Even though I initially had no intention of leaving the Church the basis of my faith was shattered pretty quickly by what I read (as with Henning, most if it was on Church-related websites such as FAIR and FARMS!). I was shocked what I found out about Joseph Smith, polygamy, racism and the Masonic origin of the temple ceremony. The whole Church a big fraud? I felt so betrayed. How could I have been so wrong for so many years? (Through further studies I have found out that other denominations and “Gods” also seemed man-made – so now it does not shock me that much anymore.) I realized though that I did not have to blame myself because I had no idea of most of these disturbing facts – if I had known them before, I certainly would have left the Church much earlier. For example, had I known that the temple ceremony used to include cruel death oaths or resembles the Masonic ritual so closely I would have never attended the temple in the first place. Had I known that the Book of Mormon contains over 4000 corrections (most of them grammar/spelling related, but some of them also content related), contradicts later writings of Joseph Smith in several points and contains a vast number of untenable scientific contradictions (see utlm.org/newsletters/…) I would not have taken it for the word of God translated by Joseph Smith. It truly was not fun finding all these things out (and I‘m still shocked every time I find out more), yet it felt liberating.

You can imagine how relieved my husband was when I told him that I had come to the same conclusions. It became one of the happiest times in our marriage. And it laid a completely new foundation for our little family which we would be starting soon. I am so glad that I will never have to answer skeptical questions of my children regarding the Church to which I would either not have the answers or feel uncomfortable telling them. I will not have to raise them within a strict and tight worldview, and nobody, neither the Church nor we as parents, will expect them to become some “standardized” person which has to follow prescribed paths of obedience, service and “enduring to the end”.

When we stopped going to the Church, we did not immediately tell our family and closest friends which did not live in our ward (plus, we had just moved to a new town where nobody knew us anyway). We did not want to hurt anybody – even though we felt somehow hurt ourselves by all the lies and inconsistencies in the Church’s history and doctrine – and we did not want to lose cherished friendships or even break family ties. We carefully selected whom we would tell in which order and what to say or write (see our 24-page German “exit letter” for download below). Surprisingly, most took our decision very well! Nobody accused or condemned us even though, understandably, most were not happy about our decision. Ever since our decision which obviously was perceived as really well thought through has affected some members we know, even to the point that a few have come to the similar conclusions as we have. This was not our primary intention and still isn’t but we can’t say that we are not happy for those who come to face reality as we did and feel the liberating effect of it.

Faced with the reality about the Church, several reactions are possible. Denial and apologetic rhetorics are very common ones, but also retreat as a closet doubter. Becoming an overt Ex-Mormon certainly is not the easiest option and not everybody is able (or allowed) to take this “leap of faith” out of the Church, but it is certainly worth it and allows the individual to live up to his/her conscience. I hope that websites like this one and other internet resources will help others to “take a leap of faith” and make the transition into a new, wonderful world. I‘m grateful that we were given the opportunity to take this path out of the Church because it has held so much joy and liberty for us. For me, the benefits of being an Ex-Mormon include:

* Our marriage was strengthened. We can now freely talk about our doubts. I do not have to be concerned about my husband’s lack of commitment to the gospel, leadership qualities or faith. I’m not expecting him to make a typical “Church career” anymore. I’m grateful that he is so authentic and happy.

* I don’t have to defend the Church on issues that I’m not comfortable or familiar with myself, like polygamy, temples or racism.

* I don’t have to harmonize my opinions and attitudes with Church doctrine but with my conscience only. I don’t have to comply with the Church’s standardized role of women or people in general.

* I don’t have to be concerned about anybody’s salvation anymore and “preach” the gospel or be a good example. I can be a good example for its own sake, not for the Church or any other institution.

* I can invest my time and efforts into causes which are really important to me and, in my opinion, to the world. I always thought that the Church is missing out on some of the most important problems the world faces right now – climate change, environmental destruction, poverty and injustice, war and catastrophes – while putting disproportionate efforts into less important (or in my opinion even wrong) causes like genealogy, missionary work, and the fight against homosexuality and the supposed “moral decline” of society.

* I’m much less judgemental about people. I don’t divide them into members and non-members anymore.

* I don’t have to try to understand weird doctrines and rituals anymore. I will not have to explain them to my children.

* Because I don’t have the answers to all of life’s questions anymore I’m searching much more intensively and sincerely than before – and I’m not afraid of generating even more questions with the answers I find.

* I don’t have to adopt dichotomous (black or white) perspectives anymore. Nothing is either 100% good or 100% bad (not even the Church!).

* My husband and I enjoy having a long weekend every week now with two days of time off. This will be even more rewarding once our son is born. We can spend our time more freely, deciding which activities we want to do on which day of the week.

I’m grateful for the course my life has taken. Without the Church I would have never met my wonderful husband, and for most of the time, I had a fairly good time in the Church, got to know many wonderful, sincere people and became acquainted with Christ’s teachings which I still think to be very beneficial to mankind if applied correctly. But I know now that good people don’t make a Church or any other institution “true”. Even though I feel somewhat betrayed especially by the founders of the Church I’m not bitter but I’m grateful for the reflection process my transition into and out of Mormonism has initiated. Now I have de-institutionalized my spirituality and de-personalised my image of “God”, considering myself a believing agnostic – but my worldview may evolve further.

One of my favorite scriptures was and is “Prove ye all things and hold on to that which is good” in 1 Thess. 5:21. I can take a lot of good things from what I learned in Church and add to it by looking around me – all this without having to “harmonize” my new findings with Church doctrine each time. I feel closer to reality and life because the barrier of Church doctrine does not stand between me and reality anymore.

My name is Maria and I’m an Ex Mormon.