Hi, I’m Lilik
I was a mormon.
I’m from Indonesia and I was a Muslim and a Mormon.
I grew up in a Muslim community just like people in Utah mormon I think. From family, friends, school, everything of my life until 16 y/o was Muslim. I never enjoy being Muslim but I was a good Muslim. I went to Muslim school and study the Arabish. I have a very good grade and teachers were impressed about my grade and they offer me to memories the whole Quran. I declined the offer.
My parents were very poor. I dropped off school when I was 14 and went to another city to work as a nanny. I was very sad and angry but I was happy to get away from people in my village. At 16 I went to Singapore to work as a nanny too. I don’t have higher education so I only do rough job. My heart was broken by my parents by letting me go just like that to another country as a 16 y/o girl. I was lucky I was not trafficked and sold to be a sex worker.
During this time in Singapore my believe in God has shifted. I don’t like how he make my life so miserable. While other children go to school and enjoy their teenage life, I was there working and getting scolded by my boss if I made mistake. What did you do when you are 14 and 16? I work. Full time.
Singapore was a hell for me. My boss fired me on my 18th birthday. I went back to Indonesia with little money and I was afraid to go home. I went home and I hate to see my parents only want to see my money. 4 months later I went to Hong Kong to work as nanny again. There my life begin. I have holidays and my boss were nice. We are still friends until now. During holiday I can go wherever I want. My English was very bad so I like to go to library during holiday to read free books and play on the computer.
One year after I stay in Hong Kong I met the missionaries. It was during the time I wanted to know about Jesus since I was not religious at that time. I thought it was an answered prayer from God. Life in Hong Kong for a 18 y/o girl nanny was lonely. The church has introduced me to other friends from Indonesia and other countries. Church were open every beside monday. So they held sacrament meeting and classes from tuesday to Sunday. Back then I thought the church was the safest place in Hong Kong for a young girl like me.
So fast forward 4 months later I got baptized. I broke the news to my parents and sister and they were miserable. I was angry too on my side. Why did they let me go just like that to another country to earn money for them? So I decided to make used of my freedom to do whatever I want and they cannot have anything to say because I give them money every months. I don’t really understand the church doctrines at first but I keep learning. I feel so safe and loved in the church. There are some people who are bitchy but wherever you go you will find this kind of people. I payed my tithing diligently and generously. 4 years after that I served mission and called back to my home country. I was scared if I met someone I know from my village and they find out that I had changed my religion. I didn’t tell anyone beside my parents but soon they found out. Mission was itsy pitsy for me. I used to live abroad and have a hard life. But in the mission I learned to be less fanatic. I started to dare to question about the church doctrines in my head. Never brought it up to other members or leaders.
During my mission my sister sent me letter stating for me to not come home to my village because the people in the village found out I changed religion and they will capture me and never let me go. So after I finished my mission I went back to Hong Kong as a tourist, life was difficult with limited money. Luckily there was a member who is kind enough to let me stay there until I found a job. I’m grateful to this day for this member.
I told you I became less fanatic as I served mission. I used to be so fanatic that I only make friends with members. But after my mission I started to be open to people. Discrimination is very high in Hong Kong with the kind of job I’m doing and no education. Even the local church members are very discriminative towards people like me. I forgot to mention that the branch I belong to was mostly women who work in Hong Kong as migrant workers like me. So finding a husband is hard. No men interested with us lowly workers. Many members go for online dating and some are fortunate enough to find a member husband from US. Some don’t or just stay single until they turned old and waiting for the rewards to married in the after life with priesthood man who already died. I was afraid to be like those old lady waiting for priesthood holder to bring them to the temple. So I decided to just married to someone who will love me unconditionally. Then one year after my mission I married to my husband. He is local guy who born overseas and is atheist. I was hoping to bring him to the temple. I was very hopeful. Then I moved to his country and settled down there now.
So after I married my husband I was very hopeful to bring him to the temple. But with my less fanatic spirit I never forced him and he is very kind and always supported me with the church activities. He always sent and pick me up from church. But it was getting difficult for me after 3 years living with him. I was disappointed in God why did he sent me non member husband. But beside that he is a very nice guy. I don’t feel belong in this new ward. I started to question the church doctrines like the concept of family can be together forever. I just don’t get how are we going to be together when our children will have family of their own. And beside I don’t really want to be with my parents. I decided to be less active spiritually. I didn’t read the scriptures as often and I started to don’t wear my garments as often. In my head I think I was tired of waiting for my husband to find interest in the church and he is still so kind to me. And he is kind without expecting rewards from heaven. He is just kind as a human and it hit me so bad.
Then I fell pregnant. I keep thinking about the future of my baby. What kind of life I want her to have. And as I pictured it I don’t think church is actually a happy place to stay. Then one day I discovered the masonry handshakes how it is similar to the temple handshakes. I already feel so weird about the handshakes in the temple and to found out about it online I was so upset. I dig deeper and that’s lead me to this exmormon or anti-Mormon literature.
It was difficult leaving the church. I have already caused damaged to the people in my village. I already losing my childhood friends and family and now to encountered another same experience, I’m glad I’m out while im still in my 30s.
My life now is pretty simple focusing on the goodness of everyday life without making it complicated to think about what’s life after death. Doing good thing and be decent human being without expecting anything in return. Love selflessly.