Hi, I'm Jessica

I grew up in a nuanced LDS household in Northern California. I moved to the Phoenix east valley for high school. I graduated college and got married at the ripe young age of 21 to an understanding, kind, and intellectual Mormon. Unfortunately, he died less than 2 years later and I was left widowed with a brand new baby.

I stayed faithfully in the church for another 4 years. I remarried during this time to another Mormon. We were not allowed to be sealed because of my gender and previous sealing. Being allowed no more than one man in what can only be described as a ‘male controlled polygamist heaven’ seemed flawed to me. I met other young sealed widows that had great conflict in their second marriages because of the sealing inequality. Simply being able to find a man that was okay with the prospect of giving up a temple marriage and sealing forever was excruciatingly painful for many in my subgroup. So, I didn’t know it at the time, but I began to research my way out of the church, looking into how Joseph Smith performed polyandry (reverse polygamy). I found many many things to be troubling in his practice of these marriages, but in particular, the consent issues were extremely alarming for both the teenaged girls and the adults.

I still find many of the basic principles to be healthy in the church such as prayer (meditation), charity work, kindness and an emphasis on education. However, I continue to be shocked at the consent issues today young people have in the church. I think this is perpetuated by the time in which non-consensual marriages were allowed for females younger than 16. It does not matter what era children grow up in, an adolescent isn’t developmentally old enough to marry at all, let alone marry a man almost three times her age. I began to see lots of people in my own church community stuck in the abuse/victim cycle. I formally resigned in October 2016 because I think the leadership is blind to the amount of abuse that occurs and victims created within the church. I joined as an 8 year old child, not knowing the nature of ethics; I found I could not live with myself if I retained membership because I joined as a non-consenting child.

Waking up from Mormonism is like no other experience I’ve ever had. It’s painful, exciting, shocking, sad, even perhaps funny, but the experience is also fascinating to me. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the suffering I’ve endured in this religion. It’s been two years since I’ve walked into a church building. I have finally allowed myself freedom of thought uninhibited by what my family or friends think. The leadership may have you believe it’s hollow leaving the church. The opposite is true; I found happiness and peace outside the confines of Mormonism to the beat of my own drum.

In conclusion, It’s a brand new worldview, full of awe and wonder for the advancement of our kind and planet. So many possibilities for the future. I’m am impatiently awaiting the day ‘Siri’ and ‘Google Now’ float effortlessly behind us as we interact with the environment.