My name is Eric

The first struggle of faith I experienced was soon after I returned home from my full-time mission. I had dealt with chronic infections the throughout the two years (bacterial, viral, fungal), but what most bothered me was the digestive trouble. I acquired horrendous heartburn about half way through, which continued to worsen. I had taken every proton pump inhibitor and OTC bandage to keep my insides from dissolving apart, but nothing was working. To make a long story short, I discovered a diet system that vaguely contradicted the Word of Wisdom. I was required, per the advice of the book’s author, a Naturopathic physician, to eat according to my genetic/ancestral “type”. For me this meant high protein, low grain, zero wheat, and inclusion of beverages like green tea. What happened was that following this dietary advice completely eradicated every health problem I’d had since childhood. Problems for which I’d had countless priesthood blessings and made endless personal supplications to God. And for the first time in my life, man and science healed me when God could not.

But due to my obedient nature, I didn’t want to start questioning the faith. From that time until I left the church (a span of 5 years) I had attended every week, paid a full tithe, gone to the temple, and held multiple callings. I was a home teacher, a sunday school teacher, a genealogy record extractor, an activities coordinator, and often participated in passing/blessing the sacrament. I held a temple recommend during those years, and read my scriptures every single day. Personal prayers were uttered twice daily, and I felt like I was well on my way to Celestial glory.

The second challenge to my faith happened during my last semester at BYU-Idaho. I had done well at the school for about a year 1/2 until I moved into a freshman ward, where I seemed to experience multiple encounters with adolescent-minded tattletales. One in particular was a manic-depressive roommate. He turned me into the Honor Code enforcement office, where I was mandated to report once a week so they could check on my behavior. What was this all about? A bag of USDA Organic ground coffee. I liked the smell, so I kept a bag of beans in one of the kitchen drawers. Never drank it, just wafted the aroma. Well apparently this was enough to get under the radar, where I stayed until I eventually broke. I refused to comply with their demands, which included writing a three page essay explaining my love for the honor code, which was the only way I would be able to redeem my academic standing, so I dropped out.

Though angered by Brigham, I was still OK with Joseph. The church itself hadn’t offended me; just those who professed under its name in Idaho. So I took about six months off and regained my sanity with the family back in Arkansas. Since my time in Rexburg had granted me Idaho residency, I decided to finish school at Boise State University, where I was luckily able to transfer without any problems.

At BSU I became even more enraged at BYU, because for the first time in my life I attended a college where they treat you like a college student. The contrast was stunning. But just as stunning was when I realized that the student wards were the same as in Rexburg. Though I felt liberated and in control of my own life, every weekend reminded me that the church really is the same no matter where you go, whether for good or bad. I was hoping for an open-minded experience not just educationally but spiritually. BSU did a fantastic job of cleansing my academic palate, but the bitter cup was re-filled every time I went to church. More hypocrisy, more self-righteousness. It had bitten at me my whole life, but I finally had to confess that I simply did not fit in with Mormon culture.

This confirmation was sealed and dried after the Summer of 2010, when I spent a few weeks in New York, followed by a trip to Europe. I ended up in Ireland when all my student loans became exhausted. So, in need of money, I set up a sort of health practice and depended on nutrition consulting to earn my Euros, while metaphorically living off the land. Though I had little cash and few friends, it was the most incredible experience of my life. I was supported by others who were simply looking after me from the goodness of their hearts, not motivated by any god or religion. I befriended dozens of individuals who operated wholesome and “Christ-like” lives not founded by any denomination. By the time I got home, my faith in the LDS world had stricken out, and I needed some answers.

Almost as if directed by God, I picked up a copy of the school paper and turned straight to an article about Ex-Mormon Bishop Dan Fitzgerald. His words were penetrating, and I had to know how he went from Bishop to “apostate”. So I found him on Facebook and commenced a correspondence. Dan was happy to answer my questions, and directed me to postmormon.org. There I created the pseudonym “In the Closet” and began asking questions about denying the faith, and how one can leave behind the Book of Mormon while ignore prophetic counsel. Within minutes I was sent links to articles and videos, addressing these concerns. One after another, I watched video clips of lectures about the Book of Mormon, the Book of Abraham, the wives of Joseph Smith, the different versions of the First Vision. I’d never heard of any of this stuff in my life – the Kinderhook Plates, Mark Hoffman, the Masonic influence of the endowment session – and I was blown away. For the next two weeks all I did was read. Mormonthink.com was especially helpful, as it not only discusses each point of historical fallacy, but does so with the inclusion of apologetic statements from the church. After all, the site is owned and maintained by current members of the church, and therefore lacks a tone of “Anti-Mormon”, which I deliberately wanted to avoid. I needed facts, not emotions.

To shorten yet another long story, I learned what most Ex-Mormons learned during their own departures from the church. I.e., truth. The untold history of the church, and portions that rock its credibility. I could understand where some of the points wouldn’t be significant enough to demolish one’s faith, but there was no doubt whatsoever after learning what happened with the Book of Abraham in 1967. This was the “smoking gun”, and left absolutely no room for excuses. I sent a letter of resignation to my local bishop and requested removal of my name from the records.

Though subconsciously afraid of being taken over by evil, I felt the same “spirit” after leaving the church as I always had as a member. Satan never came knocking at my door, demons never tried to possess me, and I didn’t start smoking heroin. My prayers ceased, while the ratio of good to bad events happening in my life remained exactly the same. I was simply appalled by all of the stories I’d heard growing up about what happens to those who leave the church. Life went on just as it had before, but tremendously better. For the first time ever I felt 100% free, and could love people for who they were and not for their potential to become Mormon. I didn’t have to judge those whose lifestyles weren’t in
accordance with mine. I could really connect with the world. I could really love, and really live.

Things weren’t as bad as many stories I’d heard from others leaving the church, regarding the family unit. To my surprise, my older brother had ceased believing for years, though he never told anyone why he’d become inactive. He broke the ice for me, so my parents were far more understanding than they could have been. But the real problem was several months later, when they realized that I wasn’t kidding. I really left the church, and I wasn’t coming back.

Regardless of the conflict and occasional family turmoil, I continue to experience life in more fulfilling ways than I ever have before. Leaving the Mormon church was the single best decision I’d made in my life, and I constantly reap the intellectual, emotional and social benefits. No longer to pledge loyalty to a group of bureaucratic leaders, I am able to expand my mind and enrich my life. The world that was once an evil place is now a fascinating and enchanting realm of people, culture and exciting new discoveries. All I can say to those who judge LDS after leaving the church is to remember the often quoted Matthew 7:16. “By their fruits ye shall know them.” Life is amazing.

My name is Eric and I’m an Ex Mormon.