Hello, my name is Emma

Starting at the beginning, I never felt that I belonged. It seemed that it was a chore for the other youth to include me, when they would include me. I was the only plus sized person in my ward. I always felt out of place, like I didn't look like a Mormon girl. A woman from the stake agreed with that and grew obsessed with "fixing me". Her grooming probably started when I was about 5 years old. She would touch my hair constantly without asking if it was okay to touch me. She even took extraordinary steps to try to force my parents and the state to make me her daughter so she could turn me into a pretty and skinny molly Mormon. All of her attempts failed. The next big thing that happened is really what triggered my shelf breaking. In 2019 all of the youth in my stake went to Nauvoo, Il. Wards were supposed to stick together, but the other youth in my ward abandoned me in old Nauvoo, not knowing the area or where I was supposed to go. I eventually found the bishop and his wife(not my favorite people as they accused me many times of faking my health issues.) His wife said I could walk with them. Back then, I had severe asthma, if I had an asthma attack I was supposed to be taken to a doctor, which the bishop knew. We started to walk through the groves to get to the temple. I started having an asthma attack and I collapsed to the ground. The bishop looked back at me and said, "I promised to be at the temple in 5 minutes and you're not going to be the reason I'm late." And they left me there. I got sunburned laying there. Eventually the Albuterol kicked in and I made my way to the temple. No one in my ward was concerned about me missing from the group or what happened to me. After that trip I didn't feel safe at church, mostly around my bishop. I took a hiatus from church to mentally prepare to go back to church. My young women's leader noticed I wasn't attending church and took me out for ice cream. She asked what was going on and I explained to her what happened in Nauvoo. She laughed in my face. I didn't know what to think of it and awkwardly laughed too. After that, I definitely didn't want to go to church. I started questioning why God would choose such awful people for those callings. I didn't have anyone who had gone through a faith crisis in my circle, in fact the church had me believe that hardly anyone ever leaves the church. I found Zelph on the Shelf, and that started my branch to finding the ex-mormon reddit, and ex-mormon content creators. I soon saw patterns in how other people were treated in church and how I was treated in church. I started learning about church history and the amount of abuse the church has hidden. I was disgusted and wanted nothing to do with the church. I decided to leave the church. I was 17 at this time and couldn't remove my records yet, so I told the people at church that I thought were supportive, of my decision. I faced a lot of backlash from them. I was told that I was just confused, or it's okay to step away for a little, but I have to come back or else I won't go to heaven. The relief society even got together to call the stake presidency and tell them that my soul was corrupt. No one would respect my decision or boundaries, so I cut out everyone I could. When I did get to remove my records, my father told me that all ex-mormons are bad people with bad agendas. It felt like the whole world was telling me not to remove my records, but I held firm and removed them anyway. I started feeling more, my personality could finally start to grow. It was kind of amazing. Of course there is the faith crisis and realizing you've been brainwashed your whole life, and I do still struggle with how much the church took from me. Since I left I've been running an ex-mormon women's support group with my best friend. Life is definitely better without the church. I can recognize abusive relationships now, and think about my needs. It's a decision I've never regretted.