I'm Crime Dog

But I never, ever gained a real testimony. Ever. Oh, I stood up in F&T meetings once in a while and bore my testimony. I knew how I was supposed to feel, what I was supposed to say, but I just never got my burning bosom, or my "perfect knowledge" that the Church was true and that Joseph Smith was a prophet. I guess I was in "fake it till you make it" mode. So why did I stick around? Because I believed the Church was true, and the Book of Mormon was true, and I believed that one day I would know it. Besides, I had my family to think about. They needed this as much as I did, to make it through this cold, hard world.

I remember a friend lending me his copy of Lord of the Ringsby JRR Tolkien back in 1979. I'm not really a fantasy kind of guy, but I was stationed overseas at the time, and it gave me something to do on those long midnight tours of duty when it was just me and my radio. The books fascinated me, and I recall clearly thinking when I finished them, that if Tolkien could have created all of these worlds, civilizations, and even languages....could it be that Joseph Smith could have done the same? I mean, that was the argument, right? That neither Smith nor any other man was capable of that level of creativity?

I was discharged in 1980, and headed back home to raise my family and go to college. With my faith in decline for a couple of years already, I entered my senior year in college as a History major. One class that fit my schedule well was Jacksonian Era Democracy. It was there that I read Alice Felt Tyler's Freedom's Ferment. I learned that the Mormon Church was founded by Joseph Smith at a time when a lot of other churches and oddball groups were getting their start. It was a time of great ferment (hence the title), and people were enjoying their freedom in this new nation to believe whatever they wanted to believe.

So, my term paper objective was clear: Show that Joseph Smith was the only one who got it all right. If anything would build my testimony, this would. I'd prove the Church true in a secular class, through secular research, utilizing source materials that had neither Deseret nor Bookcraft stamped into the binding.

It was there that I met folks like Fawn Brodie and the Tanners, among others, and the veil began to lift from my eyes. Needless to say, I hardly proved the truthfulness of Mormonism. Not even close. Just the opposite in fact. (By the way, I ended up writing the paper on the "United Order," and I got an 'A', thank you very much!)

It was shortly after that, in 1985, that my wife and I were browsing a bookstore. By this time, I had serious questions and doubts about the Church and my involvement and activity in it, and had begun using whatever excuses I could create to avoid going to church and doing my duty, without actually quitting. In this bookstore, I unexpectedly stumbled across James R. Spencer's Beyond Mormonism. We were both intrigued, so we bought and read it together. This Spencer guy was me.That was the real beginning of the end. I delved even heavier into the Tanner's work, as well as Ed Decker's, and that was it. Sayonara. We made our decision based upon knowledge, reflection, study, and soul-searching - not some odd burning of the bosom.

These days, with the Internet, this type of research seems pretty simple. I don't know how anyone gets sucked into this faith, other than by blind obedience. If they would look around a bit, and think for themselves, they would have no choice but to reach the logical conclusion I did: That Joseph Smith was conning snake-oil salesman and charlatan, Brigham Young was a bigoted sociopath, and the Book of Mormon is a work of fiction - and not a very good one.

I suppose I am today what could be called a spiritual agnostic. I believe there is a higher power out there, I just don't know it. I don't know what form that power is, where it lives, how it works or is organized. I know that I've felt that higher power move in my life, at a time when it seemed darkest. And I know that religion will never have a place in my life again. Oh, I've tried a few churches since leaving Mormonism, and the members' hearts generally seem to be in the right place, but it's just not for me. It's religion that's at least been partially responsible for bringing us oppressive politics and an idiot president, not to mention the fanatics who want to kill us.

But enough of that! I've been out 21 years, and I've never been happier or more fulfilled in my life as I am right now. If religious fundamentalism is what makes your life work and makes you happy, more power to you. Just keep it off my doorstep, please.