I can’t tell you my name.

Over the years I had encountered confusing and problematic things about the church that I did not have an answer for. Instead of pausing and examining those problems, I did what good Mormons do and put those issues and problems on the shelf in the back of my mind and ignored them.

A few years ago I came across some information in some old church books written in the 1950’s by Joseph Fielding Smith. He talked about how lesser spirits were cursed of God and punished with black skin, the fraud of evolution, and the need to accept Joseph Smith in order to be saved (among other things). I saw these teachings of a modern day prophet as demonstrably false and evil. This had the effect of crashing the shelf in the back of my mind. I had to make sense of these problems and get rid of the nagging doubts that were plaguing me.

I started my search for answers with the desire to be a defender of the Church, to validate my faith and find the solutions to the problems that I was encountering. However, as my research progressed, I had to acknowledge that I did not know as much as I thought I did, and that this new information I had encountered was more accurate than I originally thought. My excuses felt less and less valid, I was stretching for a way to make the pieces fit. I needed to find the honest solutions that I was sure existed. However, the more I searched, the more elusive these desired answers became. After 8 months of heart breaking research, I was forced to conclude that the claims of the church were not true and neither was the church. It was my preconceived beliefs that had been in error.

I spent the next 6 months trying to find a home in the church as someone who believed most of the principles taught in the church, but not in its exclusive truth claims or divine origins. After the church got involved and passed Prop 8 in California, I could not in good conscious continue to pay money to the church, or continue to represent it in anyway. I felt the need to resign my calling as a member of the bishopric.

This posed a bit of a problem since my bishop was also my boss at work, which made it dangerous to talk to him about the problems and objections I was having with the church. I did not want to risk my employment. Fortunately, my bishop was at the end of his tenure and a new one was called the next month. While this made it easier to quit my calling, I did not want to run out on the new guy just a couple of weeks before the year end tithing settlement. So I kept quiet and helped with the paperwork and the stake financial audit the following January.

I felt so hypocritical helping the bishop take in hundreds of thousands of dollars in tithing from good hardworking families and children, when I had stopped doing so. I had to get out of my calling as fast as I could. I had to stop living a lie.

When I told my new bishop that I needed to be released, he asked why and I only told him about my objection to the church’s involvement in Prop8 and how it contradicted LDS doctrine (see D&C 134:9). I told him that I did not want to simply run out on him and offered to stay on and train my replacement. He reluctantly agreed, but did not release me or call anyone else. After three months of him not releasing me, I had had enough. I told him I would work 2 more Sundays, and then I would be done. Again, he agreed, but did not call anyone or extend a release to me. So, after my timeline had passed, I handed the second counselor my office keys and released myself.

During the next several months, my bishop kept trying to get me to meet with him. Even though I kept on finding excuses not do, he started talking to my believing wife. He was pushing her to get me to come in and talk with him. While I did not want to meet with him, I was tired of his constantly pushing for it to happen, I was did not want it hanging over my head anymore. Against my better judgment, I agreed to meet with him at his house.

Before we talked, I had him watch a Youtube video created by an active believing member called “Why people leave the LDS church”. Afterwards we talked for about 90 minutes during which he said some very amazing things. He told me that he already knew it all and that even if Joseph Smith were to appear to him and tell him that the church was not true, he would still believe in it. I asked him if that scared him. He had to think about that for a minute, but it didn’t. I pointed out that there is no scientific evidence for the stories of Genesis or the Book of Mormon, and lots that refuting them. I asked him what the implications for the church are. He then bore his testimony to me that the church was still true (3 times), but had no answers for anything I had brought up.

I had previously written a paper where I had described in detail the results of my research, and he asked me to leave a copy with him so he could better understand what my objections were. After another month, the bishop cornered me in the hallway at church, said he had read my essay, and asked if we could talk about it. So we met once again, this time in my living room.

He started off this meeting with more testimony bearing and telling my wife and me how much he loved us. After listening to this for several minutes, it was obvious that he had nothing to say about my essay or had even read much, if any, of it. After lots of more meaningless discussion I finally asked him, “Can I be considered a member in good standing if I don’t believe that Adam and Eve lived in the Garden of Eden in Missouri 6000 years ago, if I don’t believe in the reality of Adam-Ondi-Ahman?” He leaned forward and said “No”. I have not been back to church since.

I think that I would have left the church eventually anyway. I was so frustrated with the church, and its desire to control the membership and protect its image. I could not stand the lying and whitewashing of our history and the brethrens attempt to control the lives of those who are not members. I saw the way the church was being run as being more like a corporation than a religion. I had to separate myself from it, and in the process I found freedom.

I look at my loss of faith in Mormonism as an opportunity for personal growth. No longer do I have fear or guilt as a motivator. I am forced to take a hard look at what I really believe, and why I do. This forces me to take ownership of my belief system on a more personal level than I ever have before. This has given me a freedom that I had never known. No longer do I view everything through the lenses of Mormonism, or reject anything that contradicts it. No longer do I fear offending God or my church leaders if I don’t obey all of the rules with exactness. I can love myself and others for who we are without worrying about being good enough, or believing and thinking only inside the little box of Mormonism. I am free for the first time, and the world is beautiful.

I can’t tell you my name. I am an Ex Mormon.