Yearly Archives: 2025

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This is a spotlight on a profile shared at wasmormon.org. These are just the highlights, so please find the full story at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/. There are stories of Mormon faith journeys contributed by hundreds of users like you. Come check them out and consider sharing your own story at wasmormon.org!
This is a spotlight on a profile shared at wasmormon.org. These are just the highlights, so please find the full story at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/. There are stories of Mormon faith journeys contributed by hundreds of users like you. Come check them out and consider sharing your own story at wasmormon.org!
"I am so much happier in the life I live now than the life I might have pressured myself into if I had stayed. I wouldn't have started my transition, I might have married a man I didn't love, we might have had children, I wouldn't be working in the field I am now. I live on my own terms, I love my husband dearly, I like my job and I like working on Sundays, and I like not having kids. I am exploring my mental health issues, healing, and becoming a better person every day." - Bennets "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/
"I am so much happier in the life I live now than the life I might have pressured myself into if I had stayed. I wouldn't have started my transition, I might have married a man I didn't love, we might have had children, I wouldn't be working in the field I am now. I live on my own terms, I love my husband dearly, I like my job and I like working on Sundays, and I like not having kids. I am exploring my mental health issues, healing, and becoming a better person every day." - Bennets "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/
"I would take my shower in the morning, fill the tub up with water, and lay face down. It never worked, but each morning I gained a little more determination to do something more drastic, more real. One day, I finally had the courage to committ the more drastic action. Obviously I survived, but it DID kill the remaining belief in the church. No matter how hard I tried, I could no longer summon up a testimony, could no longer pretend to pray, could no longer act the part of the good Mormon girl. I had to give in to who I knew I really was. And that meant leaving." - Bennets "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/
"I would take my shower in the morning, fill the tub up with water, and lay face down. It never worked, but each morning I gained a little more determination to do something more drastic, more real. One day, I finally had the courage to committ the more drastic action. Obviously I survived, but it DID kill the remaining belief in the church. No matter how hard I tried, I could no longer summon up a testimony, could no longer pretend to pray, could no longer act the part of the good Mormon girl. I had to give in to who I knew I really was. And that meant leaving." - Bennets "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/
"Eventually, it got to the point where I was passively ready to die at any moment. I was slowly losing my faith, sneaking onto the internet at night and doing research into church policies, exmormom accounts, history. Sometimes it got to be too much and I would log off and try to repent, but that never stopped the "what ifs" and the "whys" running through my head. I was miserable, I was suffering. Why was God doing this to me?" - Bennets "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/
"Eventually, it got to the point where I was passively ready to die at any moment. I was slowly losing my faith, sneaking onto the internet at night and doing research into church policies, exmormom accounts, history. Sometimes it got to be too much and I would log off and try to repent, but that never stopped the "what ifs" and the "whys" running through my head. I was miserable, I was suffering. Why was God doing this to me?" - Bennets "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/
"When I was 15, a girl who was a member of my ward and who went to my school, a girl I thought was my friend, had found out from someone else that I was trans and that I was dating a girl. She waited until a day I was sick and not at church and told my parents everything. My home life got significantly worse afterwards." - Bennets "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/
"When I was 15, a girl who was a member of my ward and who went to my school, a girl I thought was my friend, had found out from someone else that I was trans and that I was dating a girl. She waited until a day I was sick and not at church and told my parents everything. My home life got significantly worse afterwards." - Bennets "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/
"The next morning at school, I told two of my closest friends I thought I was trans. That really was the beginning of the end. Instinctively, I knew I couldn't tell anyone at church or anyone in my family. I kept it a secret for a long time. I was trying desperately to reconcile my faith with my newfound identity. I was a firm believer in God, in Joseph Smith's righteousness, in my duty to spread the good word. I did everything to remain a devout follower and prove to myself it wasn't a sin to be Mormon AND trans." - Bennets "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/
"The next morning at school, I told two of my closest friends I thought I was trans. That really was the beginning of the end. Instinctively, I knew I couldn't tell anyone at church or anyone in my family. I kept it a secret for a long time. I was trying desperately to reconcile my faith with my newfound identity. I was a firm believer in God, in Joseph Smith's righteousness, in my duty to spread the good word. I did everything to remain a devout follower and prove to myself it wasn't a sin to be Mormon AND trans." - Bennets "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/
"Leading up to this period of my life, I realized I was bisexual. A year later, I heard the word "transgender" for the first time. It changed everything. Secretly finding out the password to our family computer, I snuck on in the middle of the night and Googled "transgender", "transgender man", "can you be transgender without a surgery", "if i'm a girl can I be a transgender man", for hours I was locked onto the computer screen, reading people explain feelings I had pushed away as the devil speaking to me for ages. It all clicked. I cleared the browsing history, logged out, and went back to bed." - Bennets "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/
"Leading up to this period of my life, I realized I was bisexual. A year later, I heard the word "transgender" for the first time. It changed everything. Secretly finding out the password to our family computer, I snuck on in the middle of the night and Googled "transgender", "transgender man", "can you be transgender without a surgery", "if i'm a girl can I be a transgender man", for hours I was locked onto the computer screen, reading people explain feelings I had pushed away as the devil speaking to me for ages. It all clicked. I cleared the browsing history, logged out, and went back to bed." - Bennets "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/
"Basically, my life was one constant anxiety attack. I lived in a blur, too caught up in my own head to take notice of what was going on around me. To this day, I can hardly remember what elementary, middle, or high school was like, but I can remember exact anxieties I would have. I left because I had tried to kill myself." - Bennets "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/
"Basically, my life was one constant anxiety attack. I lived in a blur, too caught up in my own head to take notice of what was going on around me. To this day, I can hardly remember what elementary, middle, or high school was like, but I can remember exact anxieties I would have. I left because I had tried to kill myself." - Bennets "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/
"I was at the church doing something almost every day of the week. Despite always being in the house of the Lord, I never felt His presence. I was riddled with anxiety every waking moment since well before I was baptized. Being Mormon taught me that even thinking bad thoughts was a sin. If I had an unkind thought or I accidentally saw something my mom would disapprove of, I would panic and try to erase it as fast as I could before God found out. My anxieties only grew with age: when I was told that I was apart of the "chosen generation" or that we would see the second coming in our lifetime, I would panic about the end of the world." - Bennets "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/
"I was at the church doing something almost every day of the week. Despite always being in the house of the Lord, I never felt His presence. I was riddled with anxiety every waking moment since well before I was baptized. Being Mormon taught me that even thinking bad thoughts was a sin. If I had an unkind thought or I accidentally saw something my mom would disapprove of, I would panic and try to erase it as fast as I could before God found out. My anxieties only grew with age: when I was told that I was apart of the "chosen generation" or that we would see the second coming in our lifetime, I would panic about the end of the world." - Bennets "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/
"I work with dogs. I am a trans man married to a fellow trans man. I grew up with a lifelong LDS mom (from generations of Mormons) and a convert dad (he converted because of drug and alcohol recovery in his youth). It was a very strict upbringing. I was a Mormon." - Bennets "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/
"I work with dogs. I am a trans man married to a fellow trans man. I grew up with a lifelong LDS mom (from generations of Mormons) and a convert dad (he converted because of drug and alcohol recovery in his youth). It was a very strict upbringing. I was a Mormon." - Bennets "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/bennjh/

Jeffrey R. Holland, Logical Fallacies, Manipulation, Guilt, and Fake Testimonies

In his MTC address, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s statement is filled with logical fallacies that manipulate emotions rather than provide actual evidence for the LDS Church’s truth claims. The “Borrowed Testimony” Fallacy “If there is anyone in the room who’s struggling with a testimony, you have one — mine!” This is similar to advice from …

Continue reading “Jeffrey R. Holland, Logical Fallacies, Manipulation, Guilt, and Fake Testimonies”

"I had a missionary ask me once if I would give my life for the Church. I said, “Elder, I am giving my life for the Church.” I know what he meant. What he meant was, “Would you die for it?” Well, that’s the easy part. That’s a snap! On some days it looks really appealing. That’s the easy part, to die for it. Well, what God needs is people who will live for it, people who will go the distance, people who are in this race we’re talking about that will go all the way to the tape. And some may die along the way and that’s wonderful, but He needs people who will finish the work." - Jeffrey R. Holland, LDS Apostle | MTC Fireside, January 2001 | wasmormon.org
"I had a missionary ask me once if I would give my life for the Church. I said, “Elder, I am giving my life for the Church.” I know what he meant. What he meant was, “Would you die for it?” Well, that’s the easy part. That’s a snap! On some days it looks really appealing. That’s the easy part, to die for it. Well, what God needs is people who will live for it, people who will go the distance, people who are in this race we’re talking about that will go all the way to the tape. And some may die along the way and that’s wonderful, but He needs people who will finish the work." - Jeffrey R. Holland, LDS Apostle | MTC Fireside, January 2001
"We want you to run all the way, every day, every step until this is over. To give the Lord a full 24-month or 18-month mission, for your sake, for the church’s sake, for integrity’s sake, for the prophet’s sake... We don’t want you to ruin your health. We just want two years from you. We just want 18 months from you. So start now. Just don’t look back. Just put your face to the sun and put your shoulder into this work, and give it everything you’ve got and savor every day." - Jeffrey R. Holland, LDS Apostle | MTC Fireside, January 2001 | wasmormon.org
"We want you to run all the way, every day, every step until this is over. To give the Lord a full 24-month or 18-month mission, for your sake, for the church’s sake, for integrity’s sake, for the prophet’s sake... We don’t want you to ruin your health. We just want two years from you. We just want 18 months from you. So start now. Just don’t look back. Just put your face to the sun and put your shoulder into this work, and give it everything you’ve got and savor every day." - Jeffrey R. Holland, LDS Apostle | MTC Fireside, January 2001
"If there is anyone in the room who’s struggling with a testimony, you have one — mine! I’m giving my life to this. You’re giving two years. I’m giving my life! Everything I own, everything I possess is on the line. I would not come tell you a fairy tale. I wouldn’t wear myself into the ground, nor would President Hinckley do the same for something we did not know beyond a shadow of a doubt was God’s almighty truth! Give me a little more credit than that! I’m not an absolutely stupid man. This is the truth! And I’m giving everything that I know to give for that declaration." - Jeffrey R. Holland, LDS Apostle | MTC Fireside, January 2001 | wasmormon.org
"If there is anyone in the room who’s struggling with a testimony, you have one — mine! I’m giving my life to this. You’re giving two years. I’m giving my life! Everything I own, everything I possess is on the line. I would not come tell you a fairy tale. I wouldn’t wear myself into the ground, nor would President Hinckley do the same for something we did not know beyond a shadow of a doubt was God’s almighty truth! Give me a little more credit than that! I’m not an absolutely stupid man. This is the truth! And I’m giving everything that I know to give for that declaration." - Jeffrey R. Holland, LDS Apostle | MTC Fireside, January 2001
Now if anyone wants to go home, talk to me. I will not let you! I will throw my life before the barred door. I have chains in every room. I have skyhooks and cables. I have things you’ve never seen before. If you think President Palmer’s tough on you, you haven’t seen anything yet! If you have any feeling about going home, you cannot. You must not... I would do anything to keep a missionary in the mission field. I would hang on, I would grab your leg, I would twist your ankle, I would put a full nelson and a judo chop, and whatever it takes. I would make an absolute fool out of myself, which is about what I’m describing, just to have you know how much it matters. - Jeffrey R. Holland, LDS Apostle | MTC Fireside, January 2001 | wasmormon.org
"Now if anyone wants to go home, talk to me. I will not let you! I will throw my life before the barred door. I have chains in every room. I have skyhooks and cables. I have things you’ve never seen before. If you think President Palmer’s tough on you, you haven’t seen anything yet! If you have any feeling about going home, you cannot. You must not... I would do anything to keep a missionary in the mission field. I would hang on, I would grab your leg, I would twist your ankle, I would put a full nelson and a judo chop, and whatever it takes. I would make an absolute fool out of myself, which is about what I’m describing, just to have you know how much it matters." - Jeffrey R. Holland, LDS Apostle | MTC Fireside, January 2001

Would You Die For The Church?

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland illustrates the extreme, manipulative, and abusive expectations that LDS leadership places on its members—especially young missionaries. He spoke at the MTC to all missionaries in training in 2001. He set the expectation that serving a mission for the church, the church “wants you to run all the way, every day, every …

Continue reading “Would You Die For The Church?”

"Meetinghouses of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints also have been made available for community staging and shelter." - Deseret News | January 10, 2025. What do they mean by shelter? Discussions on Reddit meanwhile reveal that no one has been able to verify a single LDS chapel being used as a shelter. These meeting houses are not available or listed on any official shelter lists by government agencies or other news outlets. This isn’t the first time the church has been accused of inflating its charitable efforts for publicity.
"Meetinghouses of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints also have been made available for community staging and shelter." - Deseret News | January 10, 2025. What do they mean by shelter? Discussions on Reddit meanwhile reveal that no one has been able to verify a single LDS chapel being used as a shelter. These meeting houses are not available or listed on any official shelter lists by government agencies or other news outlets. This isn’t the first time the church has been accused of inflating its charitable efforts for publicity.
This is a spotlight on a profile shared at wasmormon.org. These are just the highlights, so please find the full story at https://wasmormon.org/profile/curtishartley/. There are stories of Mormon faith journeys contributed by hundreds of users like you. Come check them out and consider sharing your own story at wasmormon.org!
This is a spotlight on a profile shared at wasmormon.org. These are just the highlights, so please find the full story at https://wasmormon.org/profile/curtishartley/. There are stories of Mormon faith journeys contributed by hundreds of users like you. Come check them out and consider sharing your own story at wasmormon.org!
One can speculate that the god of Mormonism is testing my faith. Perhaps this is true, but the cards are still stacked against me. Any god who condemns me for the unfair situation resulting from his confusing arena is not a god worth worshiping. Why can God take time out of his day to bless my greasy pizza or help my neighbor find her car keys, but refuses to take time out of his day to answer questions that keep me from believing? Members are promised further light and knowledge in exchange for increased faith. Was my three decades of complete devotion not enough? Why, when I have a question, am I encouraged to just "focus on what I already know?" That doesn't answer my question and encourages me to ignore it. - Curtis' "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/curtishartley/
One can speculate that the god of Mormonism is testing my faith. Perhaps this is true, but the cards are still stacked against me. Any god who condemns me for the unfair situation resulting from his confusing arena is not a god worth worshiping. Why can God take time out of his day to bless my greasy pizza or help my neighbor find her car keys, but refuses to take time out of his day to answer questions that keep me from believing? Members are promised further light and knowledge in exchange for increased faith. Was my three decades of complete devotion not enough? Why, when I have a question, am I encouraged to just "focus on what I already know?" That doesn't answer my question and encourages me to ignore it. - Curtis' "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/curtishartley/
As a former member who was incredibly devout, I find it insulting and hurtful when I'm belittled simply because I no longer believe. I try hard to be respectful to all members of the church, but sometimes that kindness isn't reciprocated. Unfortunately the general leadership (and sometimes local members) will take it upon themselves to speak unkindly of those who've left the faith. Comments can range from name calling, or marginalizing former members by minimizing their experience and reasons for leaving. - Curtis' "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/curtishartley/
As a former member who was incredibly devout, I find it insulting and hurtful when I'm belittled simply because I no longer believe. I try hard to be respectful to all members of the church, but sometimes that kindness isn't reciprocated. Unfortunately the general leadership (and sometimes local members) will take it upon themselves to speak unkindly of those who've left the faith. Comments can range from name calling, or marginalizing former members by minimizing their experience and reasons for leaving. - Curtis' "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/curtishartley/
Much of what's discussed in the Gospel Topic Essays, Joseph Smith Papers, etc. were once described as "anti-mormon lies" by local and general leaders of the church. Discovering that those "anti-mormon lies" were true was heartbreaking because it meant that the church I'd grown to love had lied to me solely to protect its image. - Curtis' "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/curtishartley/
Much of what's discussed in the Gospel Topic Essays, Joseph Smith Papers, etc. were once described as "anti-mormon lies" by local and general leaders of the church. Discovering that those "anti-mormon lies" were true was heartbreaking because it meant that the church I'd grown to love had lied to me solely to protect its image. - Curtis' "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/curtishartley/
The SEC charges filed against the church in February of 2023 broke my shelf. The church collects tithing donations throughout the year to accommodate operating expenses and humanitarian aid throughout the world. According to the SEC filing, surplus tithes and offerings had been collected between the years of 1997 and 2019. These surplus tithes, when received, were invested through the investment entity of the church, Ensign Peak Advisors. In order to mislead faithful tithe payers, the church created 13 different shell companies to obfuscate the amount of their holdings and either failed to file federal forms or blatantly lied on federal forms. I do not believe that lying in the name of god is ever ok. No one is above the law, and anyone who claims divine authority to break the law is a danger and not to be trusted in things temporal or spiritual. - Curtis' "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/curtishartley/
The SEC charges filed against the church in February of 2023 broke my shelf. The church collects tithing donations throughout the year to accommodate operating expenses and humanitarian aid throughout the world. According to the SEC filing, surplus tithes and offerings had been collected between the years of 1997 and 2019. These surplus tithes, when received, were invested through the investment entity of the church, Ensign Peak Advisors. In order to mislead faithful tithe payers, the church created 13 different shell companies to obfuscate the amount of their holdings and either failed to file federal forms or blatantly lied on federal forms. I do not believe that lying in the name of god is ever ok. No one is above the law, and anyone who claims divine authority to break the law is a danger and not to be trusted in things temporal or spiritual. - Curtis' "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/curtishartley/
Navigating a faith crisis/transition can feel incredibly lonely for both the believing spouse and the non-believing spouse. As my wife and I navigated through my faith transition, we both felt a strong desire to reach out to those around us for guidance. I am so grateful that my wife and I were able to work through our differences. I do not believe that any healthy relationship should end because of a difference in religious affiliation. Contrary to what the president of the church (Russell Nelson) teaches, counseling with those of different beliefs can strengthen relationships of all types because it fosters empathy among all participants. No one should ever have to feel alone out of fear of nonacceptance. The Mormon church has been dishonest about many things from its history to ethical behaviors by the general leadership. Families should not be broken because of a global organization's dishonest behavior. - Curtis' "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/curtishartley/
Navigating a faith crisis/transition can feel incredibly lonely for both the believing spouse and the non-believing spouse. As my wife and I navigated through my faith transition, we both felt a strong desire to reach out to those around us for guidance. I am so grateful that my wife and I were able to work through our differences. I do not believe that any healthy relationship should end because of a difference in religious affiliation. Contrary to what the president of the church (Russell Nelson) teaches, counseling with those of different beliefs can strengthen relationships of all types because it fosters empathy among all participants. No one should ever have to feel alone out of fear of nonacceptance. The Mormon church has been dishonest about many things from its history to ethical behaviors by the general leadership. Families should not be broken because of a global organization's dishonest behavior. - Curtis' "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/curtishartley/
I feared for the loss of my family. What would they think if they knew I no longer believed. I eventually reached a period of acceptance wherein I am happy and comfortable not knowing what comes next and have learned to more deeply appreciate what I have now (my family, etc.). I still travel back and forth between these stages. For this reason, I may still be angry at times, I may be content at times, I may be inquisitive at times, and I may be apathetic at times. My emotions are valid and matter. It can be hurtful when those who leave the religion are labeled as prideful, sinful, or lacking in faith. The best advice I can give to those deconstructing is to prove the unkind members wrong and not become the stereotype that they believe you to be. - Curtis' "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/curtishartley/
I feared for the loss of my family. What would they think if they knew I no longer believed. I eventually reached a period of acceptance wherein I am happy and comfortable not knowing what comes next and have learned to more deeply appreciate what I have now (my family, etc.). I still travel back and forth between these stages. For this reason, I may still be angry at times, I may be content at times, I may be inquisitive at times, and I may be apathetic at times. My emotions are valid and matter. It can be hurtful when those who leave the religion are labeled as prideful, sinful, or lacking in faith. The best advice I can give to those deconstructing is to prove the unkind members wrong and not become the stereotype that they believe you to be. - Curtis' "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/curtishartley/
As my testimony shattered, I exhibited emotions of over-zealous behaviors and church activity in an effort to deny what I had discovered about the church and put the pieces of my testimony back together. I grew angry at the church for the dishonest history I had been spoon fed and the general unethical behavior by the general leadership of the church. I bargained with the Lord and pleaded for forgiveness because of my "blindness" and begged for the church to be true. I became incredibly depressed because I felt like I had lost my safety net and spiritual assurance that everything would be ok after I died. - Curtis' "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/curtishartley/
As my testimony shattered, I exhibited emotions of over-zealous behaviors and church activity in an effort to deny what I had discovered about the church and put the pieces of my testimony back together. I grew angry at the church for the dishonest history I had been spoon fed and the general unethical behavior by the general leadership of the church. I bargained with the Lord and pleaded for forgiveness because of my "blindness" and begged for the church to be true. I became incredibly depressed because I felt like I had lost my safety net and spiritual assurance that everything would be ok after I died. - Curtis' "I was a Mormon" story. Read more at https://wasmormon.org/profile/curtishartley/